Soft serve afficionado and casual homophobe Dave Fulsom proved quite the fool last Wednesday at the Unit 2 DC, where the freshman took advantage of the soft serve machine to unintentionally fashion himself what by all reports appeared to be an eight inch vanilla penis.
According to friend Jeremy Clark, the confectious organ towered far and above any soft serve cone that Fulsom had previously prepared for consumption.
“Dude, okay, so he’s getting up to about maybe four inches – that’s about his usual – and I think, ‘well, better grab one of those fucking stale cones for my turn, because he’s almost done,'” Clark said, almost halfway through the longest goddamn sentence of his life, “…but then he just keeps going and going, and it just keeps getting thicker, and longer, and he just kept packing it in tighter and tighter, until Dave’s got like this eight inch donkey boner in front of his face and he’s smiling like, I dunno, real hungry for cock.”
Once Fulsom realized exactly what in the name of All that is Holy and True he was engaged in, he instinctively spewed forth a milky white smokescreen and bolted for the door, phallus in hand.
Upon being questioned by reporters as to whether he found it enjoyable to have the sweet, creamy white fluid flood his mouth and dribble down his chin, Fulsom ordered all present to go fuck themselves.
“You’re all a bunch of faggots,” Fulsom added.