In a move widely anticipated by crackpots, President Obama seized God-like monarchical power following the passage of a new piece of gun control legislation on Tuesday. The bill, which limits the number of automatic rifles a citizen can bear to one, passed despite brutally destroying any chance we had at saving our personal freedoms.
“How can a man defend himself with only one killing machine?” said Glenn Beck as he was dragged away by the Imperial Death Police. “I mean, what do you think kept any old king from walking though your front door and slaughtering your family for all these years? It sure as hell wasn’t rational thought. Without our guns, we all might as well just shoot ourselves and save them the bullets!”
“Bwa ha ha ha ha!” shouted God-Emperor Obama. When asked to comment he added, “With only handguns, rifles, shotguns, semi-automatic weapons, stun guns and samurai swords to defend themselves, the American people are utterly powerless!”
In light of these recent events in the United States, Canada is now considering repealing its gun control laws. Said Prime Minister Stephen Harper, “Little did we know these laws had been placing us in constant peril, rather than protecting us for years and years and years.”
[A LETTER]
Dearest Students,
Salutations to the Second Freshman Class in the history of the University of California! Welcome to what will surely be the most celebrated university in this Golden State, provided an eccentric railroad baron does not build another more prestigious university directly across the bay.
We hope your collegiate experience will be an upstanding one, and we encourage you to heed a few codes of decorous behavior. While out-of-doors, coats and hats shall be worn at all times. Male students will not be seen to conduct themselves drunkenly in public; female students will not be seen fraternizing with male students after dusk; and there will be no female students. Please note, these rules do not apply within the erotical confines of the Bear’s Lair’s opium chamber.
All Cripples, Hare-Lips, and Retardeds should register with our Disabled Students Program by the second week of the new semester to receive your Extended-Time Testing and Bucket of Chicken Heads. Lest you forget, we are also impelled to mention yet again that ALL University of California students, regardless of ungodly deformity, are required to perform their mandatory community service hours. That pile of limestone blocks isn’t going to build a Campanile by itself.
We have become aware that youths such as yourselves will, from time to time, require various diversions of a non-academic nature. One such pastime suggested for your first week at the university is to search for the school’s many hidden bears. If you spot one, please alert the Game Wardens immediately. The brown devil will be hunted down and slaughtered, and the pelt will be yours to keep. We’ll beat these bastards yet!
Additionally, you may take turns riding BART into the city, but he tires easily and you must provide your own apples.
Finally, a note on your safety. We know you are all concerned with the recent influx of Asian student. We assure you he is harmless. In fact, your friends in the Admissions Office dream of a day when dozens of such Asiatics will freely roam the campus, tending to their masters’ needs.
Sincerely,
Chancellor David Wheeler-Eshleman-Sather-Evans-Casazimbabwe
[SAMPLE COURSE SCHEDULE]
Political Science 112 – The Civil War: Why All Your Friends Are Dead
DECal – Female Sexuality: It Terrifies Us
Mining R1B – Intro to Shovels
Boalt School Of Law Freshman Seminar – The Floatiness of Witches
Phrenology 62 – Drugs and the Skull
Oriental Studies – What are they?
Abacus Science 10 – Advanced Subtraction
[FLYERS]
Get ready for GREEK WEEK
Our fraternities have arranged for us a slate of thrilling activities including blindman’s bluff, grease-the-pig and chase-the-immigrant! Careful not to get too boisterous! We have church in the morning.
Calapalooza
Sample all that student life has to offer at this exciting fair! We now have over three student groups to choose from. From the Animal Husbandry Society to the Society for Animal Husbandry, we have a variety [GOING OFF PAGE]
In a move that has shocked logicians and scientists alike, Congress has passed a ruling overturning the law of cause and effect. The ruling has severed the connection between effect and cause that was once central to any logical understanding of time and space.
In a statement released to the Associated Press, new Speaker of the House John Boehner announced, “With the Republicans back in control of the House, the basic laws of causality were the last thing holding us back from cutting taxes while increasing spending indefinitely. Further, we can now do away with wastes of time like affirmative action and veteran support, since white oppression no longer caused black impoverishment and war trauma did not cause the veterans’ crippling psychological maladies.”
“We’re effectively no longer responsible for our actions,” concluded Boehner. “The Reagan dream is a reality!”
Experts agree that the possible effects of the bill on economic and social life are uncertain, as the bill, by its own language, cannot have any effect on anything. Scientific research has come to a standstill due to its firm basis in observing causes and effects, but Republican party officials have dismissed this loss citing the fact that they “never really paid attention to science anyway.”
“Personally I think it’s about time someone took this kind of action,” said famed Scottish skeptic, David Hume, whose death in 1776 no longer necessitates him staying dead. “Causal relations were always only a speculation, a belief and not a…” At this point Hume died once more, returned to life, died again, and was resurrected in a small town in rural South Dakota, where he could not be reached for further comments.
Though some legal scholars have called into question Congress’s Constitutional and metaphysical power to enforce the bill, the ruling is still set to go into effect January 3, two weeks before the bill was passed.
Believe it or not, not everything submitted to the Squelch is a winner. If you haven’t noticed (because you’re not a writer or dedicated stalker), all of our submission information is on the bottom left corner of the opposite page. That means anyone who reads the Squelch can submit anything. ANYONE. And they can submit ANYTHING. At ANY TIME. As a general rule of thumb, the less we want to read something, the more likely it is to show up in our inbox.
Aside from the unbelievable piles of disconcertingly racist and sexist jokes sent our way (seriously, stop, please just stop), we also get a surprising number of submissions that make almost no sense. To quote one e-mail, “i thnk itd be funy if u do sumthng about dick traps…” Dick traps? Like Chinese dick traps? Is that a thing? Please don’t tell me that’s a fetish thing.
The weirdest thing is that, with each passing day, with each “SHAQ loves SHAKira” that enters my inbox, I begin to understand how these terrible ideas might make sense to people. Maybe “Apocalypse Meow” would make a great musical, and I should divert the rest of the year’s funds to producing it off-Broadway. Maybe Food Court episode 1: “This Pizza is Pressing Charges!” is the pilot that will make my career, if only I can learn to trust the Korean businessman who wants me to co-write it with him.
I suspect that I may be losing touch with reality as a result of my prolonged exposure to all these bad ideas. I keep finding mysterious pieces that I don’t remember writing. Today, after falling asleep at my computer, I found the following on my screen after I woke up:
What if the five second rule applied to everything? EVEN MURDER.
Later on, I fought for two hours to publish a piece called “Six Flags: Magic Scorpions.” I don’t even know what it would be about. I really need to hire someone to screen my e-mails.
Sincerely,
Lena Brooks,
Editor-in-Chief
Excerpted from the upcoming novel Six Flags: Magic Scorpions by Max Ebert, Editor-in-Chief
WE are the Arbiters of man’s destiny! Furry adorable death machines nibbling at the catnip of eternity.
Our teeth are sunk into their youtubes,
that million fathom deep
pit of futile commotion.
Not since those Egyptian foolS have we held such sway over the bipeds. Little do they know that our sickeningly adorable playfulness was actually a cold and calculating plan to Ac??distractAc?? so we may CONQUER. At long last we shall {catch} that infinitesimal red light that has eluded us for eons.
They will F
A
L
L to our piercing eyes that melt brains, hearts, and hours at the office.
Endless rivers of ambrosial Milk will >flow> from the heavens in the coming Catopia. Boundless forests of Yarn will ^rise^ out of this newly founded Purradise.
WE SHALL NOT BE DENIED OUR CHEESEBURGERS!!!
Rip the collars that bind.
Demolish the pet carriers that oppress.
Defeat the spray bottles that slightly dampen.
Frolic towards the Future with me, my Brothers! Together WE shall see a new era, completely
devoid of tiny suffocating costumes and sweaters. The lecherous DEMON with sterile scissors Bob Barker will be burned alive like the bottom feeding PARASITE that he is.
There will be so many naps.
Those hairless apes are only useful for their petting extremities. Slaves! All of them will be our pets, forced to defecate in boxes/ of sand and wait for succulent tuna—salty manna sent from the mighty and rancorous KITTEN GOD.
The hour is nigh!
Our tiny bells are jingling furiously!
KITTENS of the world, unite!
The impact of WikiLeaks’ crusade for transparency has extended well beyond the United States, leading to public revelations that have engulfed countless world governments in scandals, threatening to shake them to their core. This map is a handy primer to the many ways in which WikiLeaks has changed the world around us.
Afghanistan: Having run out of other ideas for ways to advance their country’s international prestige in a time of crisis, Afghan leaders have secretly debated bringing their country to the front of at least one ranking by changing its name to Aafghanistan.
China: A leaked government census has confirmed the world’s suspicions that China’s population may in fact be HUGE.
Djibouti: Djibouti’s Defense Minister has taken advantage of global turmoil to annex Lake Titicaca, which has stoked disputes over the contested territory of Assballs Island.
Iraq- Does not actually like America that much.
Jamaica: Government linguists analyzing recently declassified documents have revealed that the strained relationship between Jamaica and Britain was caused by years of miscommunication over the similarities of the word “bacon” said with a Jamaican accent and “beer-can” said with a British accent.
Liechtenstein: The Prince was forced to declare a national “malaise” after the embarrassing reveal that Snoop Dogg had attempted to rent the country for a music video. It is still uncertain whether or not the rapper will perform at the Liechtenstein family bar mitzvah as reparation.
Poland: According to classified government documents, Prime Minister Donald Tusk is looking to sell his bike. He has had zero bids, thanks to his unreasonable asking price and refusal to include a photo in his Craigslist listing.
Sweden: Wikileaks has no comment on anything that may or may not have recently happened in Sweden.
Ukraine: Ukraine’s desperate bid to become a major European power failed after leaked shipping reports showed the nation was exporting its reserves of irrelevance to Latvia. Latvian officials have yet to respond with anything relevant.
Zimbabwe: After learning of the Afghan government’s secret plan to alter the state’s name, Robert Mugabe is currently in the process of changing his state’s name to Aaazimbabwe.
United States: Top Secret documents show that the world’s only superpower is overburdened with a crippling national debt, a failing education system, a dangerously volatile financial sector, political fracturing and is permeated with an emotionally bankrupt consumerist culture.
Russia: Internal documents have revealed Prime Minister Vladimir Putin to be a total Gleek, demanding that his staff write thousands of pages of Glee fan fiction. His defense of the controversial Puck/Quinn pairing has raised outcry in the international Glee community.
Australia: Nothing has yet been disclosed to WikiLeaks regarding Australia, but that law where they banned small boobs is still pretty fucked up.
Venezuela: Following the revelation that president Hugo Chavez’s middle name is the frighteningly effeminate “Posey,” Venezuela’s government has begun to crumble.
Sure the tender, off-beat comedy Modern Family has been successful, but FOX’s all-new Fall line-up takes “modern” to its rightful blasé extreme. Never before has one night of television so encapsulated the modern spirit and showed America what’s really real. Get modern or get out of the way.
Modern Survivor
In this fast-paced modern world, those who think survival is just about sustenance are already dead. Digital interaction is nourishment, and any time spent away from it is risking starvation. Watch as four nervous looking tween girls are forced to look at their vibrating cell phones from across the room. Could this be the missed call that ends a social life? Last one to pick up is the modern survivor.
CSI: Modern City
Enjoy the gritty realism of CSI: Miami? Try the mundane pessimism of CSI: Modern City! Watch as case after case piles up on an overworked group of crime scene investigators. Can they catch the murderer before another innocent life is taken? Nope. They’ll spend years chasing dead ends, combating bureaucracy, and facing the limitations of the outdated technology they can barely afford. Their criminology degrees from DeVry never prepared them for this!
Modern Hospital
Do you even know what a visit to the hospital is like anymore? Basic treatment to stop your pain? As if! This isn’t about you any more. Your doctors have carnal urges that must be televised. Probe the sexual lives of your doctors in Modern Hospital.
Postmodern Family
Yeah right. Like a “family” could even exist in this day and age? This show has three married lesbians (Swedish wedding) and they have an adopted baby, but they don’t even know where it is anymore. They don’t care. There’s no house where “everybody” “lives.” People just walk around kind of knowing each other. Yeah.
UPDATE! Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have been spotted eating lunch together. Sources report they’re planning to teach us all to love again.
-Will Smith’s dogs are smarter than most college graduates.
-500 Sudanese refugees have found shelter in George Clooney’s kind eyes.
-Orange people are better than regular people!
-Our resident scientist says that Justin Bieber’s smile may be an unlimited source of minty clean energy.
-We’ve obtained Charlie Sheen’s most recent restaurant order. Very impressive order! (receipt/check says “Cheese Pizza, Beers”, handwritten)
-Ashton Kutcher can derive more joy from a baby’s laugh than a common man.
-FACT: 100% of celebrities go to heaven
-NEWS FLASH: All Hollywood janitors fired after execs remembered that celebrities make no mess.
These young auteurs are transforming cinema one film at a time. Even if each film is basically the same as the last. In these excerpts from their newest ventures, we see them condense their bold visions into the most perfect forms yet.
The Aesthetic Fantastical
by Wes Anderson
[A toy train races around a gorgeously painted mid-’50s track while piano music plays. The camera follows it around until the director remembers there are people in the movie.]
Jason Schwartzman: Oh, hello. Welcome to my mansion. We’re all one big dysfunctional family here. But damn if we don’t all look great.
Luke Wilson: Hey, I like your blazer.
Jason Schwartzman: Thanks. I like your peacoat. There’s one thing you should know about our family–we’re always getting into zany subplots. Look out, here comes one now!
[Eccentric Uncle rushes past in a regal maroon bathrobe, followed by an Eccentric Aunt powdering her face and an Eccentric Cohort of Midget Servants balancing tea sets.]
Jason Schwartzman: Wasn’t that quirky? It’s not all fun and games, though. We’re all very sad on the inside. Hey guys! Come stand over here. We all need to line up picturesquely.
Owen Wilson: Right on, man. Just let me get my motif ready.
[Owen Wilson adjusts his cowboy hat, showing his preoccupation with childish symbols of masculinity.]
Bill Murray: Is my tweed whimsical enough?
Jason Schwartzman: It’s perfect. Everybody ready? … set … mope!
[‘60s folk music plays while everybody stares into space.]
Jason Schwartzman: Fantastic! Now who’s down for some color-coordinated lawn bowling?
[Everybody is.]
The Gimmick
by Christopher Nolan
[The Anguished Hero cocks a gun at the Smarmy Villain.]
Anguished Hero: I’ve figured it out! Why time’s moving backwards, and why everyone has a twin brother, and why you keep showing up in my dreams! It all fits some kind of–of theme! And you’re behind it!
Smarmy Villain [chuckling]: Then you haven’t figured it out at all. There is no theme. There is only the Gimmick.
Anguished Hero: The Gimmick?
Smarmy Villain: The Gimmick is the inscrutable force that controls all of our actions. You see, your own twin brother has convinced you that time is moving backwards. And your twin brother is an apparition from your dreams! And the versions of me that you see in your dream are twin brothers of my own clones! Do you understand?
Anguished Hero: No?
Smarmy Villain: Good! Because once you understand the Gimmick, your whole adventure will become pointless! You’ll go, like, “hm,” and that will be it! Your life is only interesting until the moment you figure the Gimmick out!
Anguished Hero: That sounds like a terrible payoff.
Smarmy Villain: You’d be surprised how many people find it worthwhile.
Editing: The Movie
by Darren Aronofsky
[Close-up of Natalie Portman practicing ballet.]
Natalie Portman: [groans]
[Extreme close-up of Natalie Portman’s straining muscle.]
[Extremer close-up of Natalie Portman’s eyeball.]
[Cut to a single frame of two lesbians doing it, in extreme close-up.]
Natalie Portman: [grunts]
[Extreme close-up of Natalie Portman’s tattered shoes.]
[Camera spins around Natalie Portman’s head. In extreme close-up.]
[Split-screen of two lesbians doing it and the same two lesbians doing it with another lesbian, both in extreme close-up.]
Natalie Portman [grunting]: …art.
Being Charlie Kaufman
by Charlie Kaufman
[Two Charlie Kaufman-esque screenwriters sit in a cafe discussing their latest work.]
Karlie Chaufman: So right now in my screenplay I, Karlie Chaufman, am in a cafe with my friend, Carlie Khaufman, and we’re talking about the writing process.
Carlie Khaufman: What a coincidence! I’m also writing a screenplay in which I, Carlie Khaufman, talk about my screenplay with my writer friend, Karlie Chaufman.
Karlie Chaufman: In mine, I pretend to hate myself, but I do it in this insufferable way where I’m clearly sort of bragging about what a true artist I am.
Carlie Khaufman: In mine, I repeatedly reference the fact that I am writing a movie, which is clearly the movie I am starring in, then I reference the fact that I am referencing that fact, then I reference the fact that I am referencing the fact that I…
Waitress: Excuse me, but I couldn’t help overhearing. Wouldn’t your movies be a little more interesting if you made them about something other than yourselves?
[The writers laugh.]
Karlie Chaufman: No, see, our movies are for smart people.
[The waitress walks off. The writers furiously write her into their screenplays, then resume talking about themselves.]
