Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 20- Issue 3

Modern Family Spin-offs

January 1, 2011
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Sure the tender, off-beat comedy Modern Family has been successful, but FOX’s all-new Fall line-up takes “modern” to its rightful blasé extreme. Never before has one night of television so encapsulated the modern spirit and showed America what’s really real. Get modern or get out of the way.

Modern Survivor
In this fast-paced modern world, those who think survival is just about sustenance are already dead. Digital interaction is nourishment, and any time spent away from it is risking starvation. Watch as four nervous looking tween girls are forced to look at their vibrating cell phones from across the room. Could this be the missed call that ends a social life? Last one to pick up is the modern survivor.

CSI: Modern City
Enjoy the gritty realism of CSI: Miami? Try the mundane pessimism of CSI: Modern City! Watch as case after case piles up on an overworked group of crime scene investigators. Can they catch the murderer before another innocent life is taken? Nope. They’ll spend years chasing dead ends, combating bureaucracy, and facing the limitations of the outdated technology they can barely afford. Their criminology degrees from DeVry never prepared them for this!

Modern Hospital
Do you even know what a visit to the hospital is like anymore? Basic treatment to stop your pain? As if! This isn’t about you any more. Your doctors have carnal urges that must be televised. Probe the sexual lives of your doctors in Modern Hospital.

Postmodern Family
Yeah right. Like a “family” could even exist in this day and age? This show has three married lesbians (Swedish wedding) and they have an adopted baby, but they don’t even know where it is anymore. They don’t care. There’s no house where “everybody” “lives.” People just walk around kind of knowing each other. Yeah.

Volume 20- Issue 3

Congress Overturns Law of Cause and Effect

January 1, 2011
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    In a move that has shocked logicians and scientists alike, Congress has passed a ruling overturning the law of cause and effect.  The ruling has severed the connection between effect and cause that was once central to any logical understanding of time and space.
    In a statement released to the Associated Press, new Speaker of the House John Boehner announced, “With the Republicans back in control of the House, the basic laws of causality were the last thing holding us back from cutting taxes while increasing spending indefinitely. Further, we can now do away with wastes of time like affirmative action and veteran support, since white oppression no longer caused black impoverishment and war trauma did not cause the veterans’ crippling psychological maladies.”
    “We’re effectively no longer responsible for our actions,” concluded Boehner. “The Reagan dream is a reality!”

Experts agree that the possible effects of the bill on economic and social life are uncertain, as the bill, by its own language, cannot have any effect on anything. Scientific research has come to a standstill due to its firm basis in observing causes and effects, but Republican party officials have dismissed this loss citing the fact that they “never really paid attention to science anyway.”

    “Personally I think it’s about time someone took this kind of action,” said famed Scottish skeptic, David Hume, whose death in 1776 no longer necessitates him staying dead. “Causal relations were always only a speculation, a belief and not a…” At this point Hume died once more, returned to life, died again, and was resurrected in a small town in rural South Dakota, where he could not be reached for further comments.
     Though some legal scholars have called into question Congress’s Constitutional and metaphysical power to enforce the bill, the ruling is still set to go into effect January 3, two weeks before the bill was passed.

Volume 20- Issue 3

The Kitten Manifesto

January 1, 2011
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WE are the Arbiters of man’s destiny!  Furry adorable death machines nibbling at the catnip of eternity.

                                   Our teeth are sunk into their youtubes,
              that million fathom deep
pit of futile commotion.

Not since those Egyptian foolS have we held such sway over the bipeds.  Little do they know that our sickeningly adorable playfulness was actually a cold and calculating plan to Ac??distractAc?? so we may CONQUER.  At long last we shall {catch} that infinitesimal red light that has eluded us for eons.

They will F
               A
                  L
                                L to our piercing eyes that melt brains, hearts, and hours at the office.

Endless rivers of ambrosial Milk will >flow> from the heavens in the coming Catopia.  Boundless forests of Yarn will ^rise^ out of this newly founded Purradise.

WE SHALL NOT BE DENIED OUR CHEESEBURGERS!!!

         Rip the collars that bind.

         Demolish the pet carriers that oppress.

                    Defeat the spray bottles that slightly dampen.

Frolic towards the Future with me, my Brothers!  Together WE shall see a new era, completely
                devoid                   of tiny suffocating costumes and sweaters.  The lecherous DEMON with sterile scissors Bob Barker will be burned alive like the bottom feeding PARASITE that he is.

There will be so many naps.

Those hairless apes are only useful for their petting extremities.  Slaves! All of them will be our pets, forced to defecate in boxes/ of sand and wait for succulent tuna—salty manna sent from the mighty and rancorous KITTEN GOD.

The hour is nigh!
Our tiny bells are jingling furiously!
KITTENS of the world, unite!

Volume 20- Issue 3

Things I Wouldn’t Mind Raising Tuition For

January 1, 2011
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With all the talk of budget cuts and fee hikes, no one has considered the blunt reality: tuition increases could be totally awesome. Sure, there are a few drawbacks, but here’s some of the cool shit we could afford if we paid higher tuition.

Turning Sproul Plaza into a Giant Ball Pit
What it is: The major center of student activity, recreation, and activism would be replaced with the world’s largest ball pit.
Why it’s awesome: Every trip to Dwinelle would become a candy-colored adventure.
How it benefits our education: Anyone attempting to give you a flyer would have have to fight through thousands of balls to reach you.
What it would cost: After converting Sproul Hall into a multi-level bounce house, a few million.

Robo-Regents:
What it is: Cutting-edge robotic replicas of all the regents.
Why it’s awesome: Nothing is cooler than a needlessly expensive robot.
How it benefits our education: If they’re programmed to only say, “MORE MONEY BZZT! FEED ME MORE MONEY BZZT!”, nothing will be different.
What it would cost: Basically the same as we’re paying the current regents.

Professor Angelina Jolie
What it is: Angelina Jolie would make an excellent permanent faculty member.
Why it’s awesome: There’s that one scene in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider where she’s running and her boobs jiggle forever.
How it benefits our education: She probably knows a lot about…anthropology?
What it would cost: $30 million plus a producer credit.

Replacing Textbooks with Free Cable
What it is: We could finally make textbooks affordable by getting rid of them.
Why it’s awesome: You pick Food Network over Introduction to Organic Chemistry most nights anyway.
How it benefits our education: Watching The Wire will change your life, man.
What it would cost: Depends on whether or not we get the dirty channels.

A Living Golden Bear Made from Real Gold
What it is: A golden bear. Made of solid gold.
Why it’s awesome: His glittering paw crashes upon the earth, his goliath jaw swings low to loose his glorious roar, and every muscle shimmers as his 24-karat teeth rip into those who oppose school spirit.
How it benefits our education: Okay fine, it wouldn’t. But it would be rad.
What it would cost: Billions in advanced genetic research, cross-breeding experiments, and gold.

Money-Powered Jet Packs
What it is: Jet packs that can only be fueled by hundred dollar bills.
Why it’s awesome: Instead of burning up our money on an overpriced “public” education, we could literally burn it in a machine that lets us fly!
How it benefits our education: Access to the transportation of the future would allow students to reach new heights of efficiency and also of height.
What it would cost: Only what little prestige our school has left.

Volume 20- Issue 3

Heuristic Squelch’s Treasury of Soul-Crushing Quotes

January 1, 2011
  1. Beggars can’t be choosers, but choosers could be beggars after one little fuck-up.
  2. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re a fucking failure.
  3. I think therefore I’m sad.
  4. A bird in the hand would peck your eyes out if it had the chance.
  5. Love is like a lucky penny. If it slips through your fingers, you’ll never find it again.
  6. People in glass houses will probably get skin cancer.
  7. Time flies when you’re on your deathbed.
  8. Nobody’s perfect. We’re alone in an indifferent universe.
  9. One man’s trash will sit in a landfill forever.
  10. When in Rome, your American dollars are nearly worthless.
  11. A stitch in time will stop the bleeding, so be sure to lock the bathroom door before you slit your wrists.
  12. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are drowning in the gutter.
  13. Shoot for the moon: even if you miss, you’ll starve to death in a tiny capsule.
  14. If it ain’t broke, you’ll probably break it, you clumsy little shit.
  15. The apple never falls far from the tree, where its seeds will never grow because sunlight cannot reach underneath that selfish goddamn tree.
  16. Tragedy plus time equals alcoholism.
  17. You can’t teach an old dog that its life is almost over.
Volume 20- Issue 3

Celebrities: They’re Better than Us!

Brought to you by Us Weekly

January 1, 2011
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UPDATE! Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have been spotted eating lunch together. Sources report they’re planning to teach us all to love again.

-Will Smith’s dogs are smarter than most college graduates.

-500 Sudanese refugees have found shelter in George Clooney’s kind eyes.

-Orange people are better than regular people!

-Our resident scientist says that Justin Bieber’s smile may be an unlimited source of minty clean energy.

-We’ve obtained Charlie Sheen’s most recent restaurant order. Very impressive order! (receipt/check says “Cheese Pizza, Beers”, handwritten)

-Ashton Kutcher can derive more joy from a baby’s laugh than a common man.

-FACT: 100% of celebrities go to heaven

-NEWS FLASH: All Hollywood janitors fired after execs remembered that celebrities make no mess.

Volume 20- Issue 3

United States Established as Monarchy Following Gun Control

January 1, 2011
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In a move widely anticipated by crackpots, President Obama seized God-like monarchical power following the passage of a new piece of gun control legislation on Tuesday. The bill, which limits the number of automatic rifles a citizen can bear to one, passed despite brutally destroying any chance we had at saving our personal freedoms.

“How can a man defend himself with only one killing machine?” said Glenn Beck as he was dragged away by the Imperial Death Police. “I mean, what do you think kept any old king from walking though your front door and slaughtering your family for all these years? It sure as hell wasn’t rational thought. Without our guns, we all might as well just shoot ourselves and save them the bullets!”

    “Bwa ha ha ha ha!” shouted God-Emperor Obama. When asked to comment he added, “With only handguns, rifles, shotguns, semi-automatic weapons, stun guns and samurai swords to defend themselves, the American people are utterly powerless!”
    In light of these recent events in the United States, Canada is now considering repealing its gun control laws. Said Prime Minister Stephen Harper, “Little did we know these laws had been placing us in constant peril, rather than protecting us for years and years and years.”

Volume 20- Issue 3

Something Happened in Tunisia

January 1, 2011
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Today, according to the Yahoo! News Homepage, something important happened in Tunisia. As of this hour, it is unclear what has occurred, or where Tunisia is. Wikipedia confirms only that Tunisia is a country located in Africa which exports textiles and phosphates.

    “It is a Maghreb country and is bordered by Algeria to the west, Libya to the southeast, and the Mediterranean Sea to the north and east,” claimed the free encyclopedia, which later added, “The Maghreb, also rendered Maghrib, is a region of North Africa.”
    The Google News Feed  offered only pictures of people carrying red flags and looking mad about something. Further Googling indicates that it all has something to do with WikiLeaks. Even further Googling suggests that maybe it doesn’t.
    “Without justice, we will not have proper peace and reconciliation in Tunisia,” said somebody from an online Washington Post article, who seems to have been either pro- or anti- Tunisia.

CNN’s website had some good pictures and a few bullet points, but they were soon obscured by by a pop-up claiming that it is in fact possible to make $73 an hour working from home.

Volume 20- Issue 3

Man Wears Clearly Ironic Shirt Non-Ironically

January 1, 2011
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     San Francisco resident Jake Moyle surprised fashion critics this week by believing the sentiment expressed on his ironic T-shirt. The shirt, purchased at a Goodwill on Mission and 19th Street, ironically displays a picture of former president George W. Bush underneath the hilariously outdated phrase, “Not My President.”
    “It’s a great shirt because it’s informative,” Moyle said in a press conference last week. “George W. Bush isn’t my president. Barack Obama is. People need to know that if they don’t already.”
    Fashion experts suggest that wearing ironic clothing non-ironically might be the next big move in street fashion. Some of San Francisco’s younger residents are already catching on, including 20-year-old Kate Rawson.
    “My new shirt finally lets me show the world how much I loved going to Math Camp in ’79. And it’s in my favorite color: brown-green.”
    When asked for comment, old women wearing ironic “God Bless America” sweaters looked confused.