What’s got two thumbs and wants to help you graduate college?
This guy!
Would you like to…
- Study alone in your room for days?
-
Be awake until you see sunrise and then be awake some more?
-
Turn every activity of
Author Archives: The Squelch
Heuristic Squelch’s Treasury of Soul-Crushing Quotes
- Beggars can’t be choosers, but choosers could be beggars after one little fuck-up.
- If at first you don’t succeed, you’re a fucking failure.
- I think therefore I’m sad.
- A bird in the hand would peck your eyes out if it
Welcome Week Packet for Incoming Freshmen, 1869
[A LETTER]
Dearest Students,
Salutations to the Second Freshman Class in the history of the University of California! Welcome to what will surely be the most celebrated university in this Golden State, provided an eccentric railroad baron does not build … Read More
Celebrities: They’re Better than Us!
Brought to you by Us Weekly
UPDATE! Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have been spotted eating lunch together. Sources report they’re planning to teach us all to love again.
-Will Smith’s dogs are smarter than most college graduates.
-500 Sudanese refugees have found shelter in George … Read More
The Kitten Manifesto
WE are the Arbiters of man’s destiny! Furry adorable death machines nibbling at the catnip of eternity.
Our teeth are sunk into their youtubes,
that million fathom deep
pit of futile commotion.
Not since those Egyptian foolS have … Read More
Words from the Top
Some Ideas Are Not Very Good
Believe it or not, not everything submitted to the Squelch is a winner. If you haven’t noticed (because you’re not a writer or dedicated stalker), all of our submission information is on the bottom left corner of the opposite page. … Read More
Atom & Eve
Online Dating for the Modern Molecule
Atom & Eve is the first atomic dating site for atoms by atoms. While other atomic dating sites base their matches on superficial criteria like the number of your valence electrons, our sophisticated matching algorithm takes into account factors you … Read More
Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn’s Finishing School for Men
Hello Potential Customer,
I’m Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn, proud owner and operator of Deathfuker’s School for Etiquette and Deportment. We at Deathfuker’s are committed to transforming candy asses into confident and successful citizens through an intensive ten-step program.
Step 1: … Read More
Campus Coupons
These coupons are redeemable on the UC Berkeley campus only. Some restrictions may apply. Reproduction of these coupons is prohibited by law. Any other use is prohibited by law.
From your GSI:
Redeemable for one irrelevant tangent during section.
Tangent … Read More
Diary Confessions of a Community Service Frat Boy
9/1 Got my bid for Alpha Phi Omega community service frat today. Guess I’m a “bro” now. Just bought my first pair of sunglasses!
9/23 It’s tough being a bro. The fast times, the women, the endless hours of mind-numbing … Read More
