Link Stockton, Drug Dealer

What’s got two thumbs and wants to help you graduate college?
This guy!

Would you like to…

  • Study alone in your room for days?

  • Be awake until you see sunrise and then be awake some more?

  • Turn every activity of your waking life into a task to be completed?

  • Cease the regular eating and sleeping patterns of a “human being”?

  • Tell people you barely know personal information at high speeds?

  • Meet interesting people you’re fairly sure exist?


My name is Link Stockton (people call me Scratch, but don’t you call me that, seriously, you DO NOT call me that) and I’ve got everything you need for finals season. Now you’ve probably been told that Adderall has “dangerous side effects” and “high potential for addiction,” but did you know the primary side effect is academic brilliance? You want to be a doctor, right? Isn’t that 4.0 worth the degeneration of your physical, mental and emotional health?

Helpful tips for first-time customers:

  • If you can hear your heartbeat over your music, slow down.

  • If you don’t snort that line right now you’re a fucking pussy.

  • Seeing shadow people? That’s normal. Hearing them talk? Still not a problem. Talking back? See a physician.

  • Don’t you fucking look at my human eyes, or I swear to God I will cut you like a card deck.

For return customers:

*Addy not doing it anymore? I also sell Dexedrine.

*Still below a 3.9? I also have Crystal meth.

*Don’t have my money? I will find you.

So if you’re ready to become the hard-working, focused, productive, focused, focused, focused genius you always wanted to be, then bring your parents’ money to the downstairs bathroom of Wheeler, and turn your academic dreams into tense, anxious reality! Unless you’re a cop, in that case forget you read this.