While being alive and being dead both have their jollies, for jollies nothing beats a state of unbeing twisted between death and life. You can walk through walls, jog through walls, even do a cartwheel through, yes, a wall. Other … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Masturbator Retires Jessica Simpson Fantasy
After a single viewing of Newlyweds, the MTV reality series chronicling the married life of pop stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, UC Berkeley sophomore Pete Klein permanently retired his Jessica Simpson masturbatory fantasy, Klein announced Friday.
“She’s still really … Read More
Top Ten Worst Ways to Defend Yourself in Prison
- Crying like a woman
- Your scary gay lisp
- Attempting to break up riot with rousing game of Magic: The Gathering
- Introducing yourself as “Fish”
- Pre-emptive cocksucking
- Gently turning down their advancements
- Shaving your legs
- Making cell key into knife
- Becoming
Top Ten Rejected Star Wars Action Figures
- Borg Cube
- Living off the residuals Mark Hamill
- Hitler-moustache Obi-Wan
- Openly gay C3P0
- George Lucas with bags of money
- Billy Dee Williams with Malt Liquor Action
- The Force
- Identical twins of every character
- A wookie taking a crap
- Han Job
Gay People Amusing
Local man Ray Conners discovered that gay people are amusing after watching last night’s episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Conners, an open-minded heterosexual man, was allegedly charmed by the five main characters’ sassy dialogue and classy yet … Read More
Sow Some Yams Already
Earlier this year I and my team of researchers were granted permission by the government of Brazil to study the Umbato people of the lower basin. Our study would focus mainly on what western civilization could learn from these people … Read More
Kobe Bryant to Donate Ego to Charity
Los Angeles Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant announced Wednesday in a news conference that he will donate part of his gigantic ego to charity.
During the conference, a teary-eyed Bryant said, “I’m one of the greatest basketball players of all time, … Read More
Words from the Top
Prescience – No, Not the Science Fiction Kind
One of the advantages of the Heuristic Squelch as a magazine is the long period of time from when the issue goes to press and when it actually reaches the anxious sweat-drenched and abnormally sticky palms of the student body. … Read More
Computer Seduces Owner
Windows Media Player-A
As the glowing oscillations continually replicated the soft curves of feminine essence in a gently perverted light show, Peterson was moved to epiphany. “When that beautiful gorge repeatedly poured out into infinity in front of me, I … Read More
ASUC Illegally Allocates $10 to No-On-53 Campaign
Student government politics were thrown into further turmoil last week when it was revealed that the ASUC earmarked ten dollars in student fees to oppose Proposition 53. The announcement was made by Graduate Assembly President Jessica Zack Quindel.
“We’ve already … Read More
