Top Ten Worst Ways to Defend Yourself in Prison

  1. Crying like a woman
  2. Your scary gay lisp
  3. Attempting to break up riot with rousing game of Magic: The Gathering
  4. Introducing yourself as “Fish”
  5. Pre-emptive cocksucking
  6. Gently turning down their advancements
  7. Shaving your legs
  8. Making cell key into knife
  9. Becoming Jimmy the Bitch’s bitch
  10. Bending over