Fun Things I Would Do as a Ghost

While being alive and being dead both have their jollies, for jollies nothing beats a state of unbeing twisted between death and life. You can walk through walls, jog through walls, even do a cartwheel through, yes, a wall. Other fun activities:

With the Family

ME: OOOooooOOOOhhhhhhh!
GRANDCHILD: Great-Grandfather Earl! Why have you returned?
ME: You must avenge my death, young Hortense! Avvvvennnggee meeee!
GRANDCHILD: Of course, Grandfather! How did you die?
ME: Heart attack.


MINISTER: We will never forget Deenihanson’s laughter, his love of life, his charity work.
ME: -In bed!
MINISTER: Everywhere he walked, people would say, “There goes a man dedicated to bettering his community.”
ME: -In bed!
MINISTER: Ghost of Deenihanson, please stop tormenting me with that tired Chinese Fortune Cookie joke. Go join your breathern in the bliss of eternity.
ME: -In bed!


ME: Arise, Jerry Zucker!
JERRY: What? What? Who’s there??
ME: I have seen your movie “GHOST,” Jerry Zucker!
JERRY: Oh lord! It was just a movie! I didn’t mean to offend the afterlife by making a stupid movie with stupid Whoopi Goldberg in it!
ME: No, no, it’s okay. [Pause] I thought she was pretty good in it.

With the Church

CARDINAL: So there IS a Heavenly Choir, but it’s NOT composed of the souls of just the virtuous.
ME: Warmer… warmer…
CARDINAL: And thus, the Heavenly Choir is actually a subset of…
ME: Hot! Hot!
CARDINAL: …a subset of the larger Love that God has for us all!
ME: Ooh, cold… cold.

At the Red Sox Game

MARTINEZ: I don’t know if I can do it. I’m going to…give…up.
ME: NoooooOO! Don’t ever give up! You see, I’m your guardian angel and I’m here to tell you that you’re going to win! God has made it so!
MARTINEZ: Wow, really?! Now I know I can do it![Red Sox win game]
ME: [Later, at bookie’s] Yes! 5 large in the pocket. Guardian angel, my dead ass.

At a Brothel

ME: But–

At a Taping of Crossing Over with John Edwards

JOHN EDWARDS: I’m sensing an “M.”
AUDIENCE MEMBER: That’s my dog, Muffy!
ME: Woof! Woof!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh Muffy! John, will you ask Muffy if being hit by a truck was painful?
JOHN EDWARDS: All right Muffy, give me one woof if you suffered, and two woofs if your death was calm and tranquil.
ME: Woof! Woof! Woof!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: What does that mean!? Please, tell me! I miss you so much Muffy!
ME: Meow?