Words from the Top

Prescience – No, Not the Science Fiction Kind

One of the advantages of the Heuristic Squelch as a magazine is the long period of time from when the issue goes to press and when it actually reaches the anxious sweat-drenched and abnormally sticky palms of the student body. What this means is that, although you won’t be reading this article until probably a week or so after the October 7th recall election takes place, it was written several days before that election. I will now take advantage of this opportunity to make some predictions about what the current state of the State of California will be in the weeks following that tumultuous election.

Gray Davis Will Not be Recalled. That’s right, Governor Davis will keep his job by the slimmest of margins. He’ll take advantage of this reprieve as a mandate from the people to seize dictatorial control of the state and secede from the US. The revolution will be aborted when Arnold Schwarzenegger runs into Davis on the street, punches him in the face, and dangles him upside down until all his “revolution money” falls out of his pockets. In the ensuing power vacuum, Larry Flynt will take over as governor, instantly ending all of our state’s problems by establishing extensive work programs for the state’s recent high school graduates. He will also push for the construction of accessible wheelchair ramps into all filthy Tenderloin back alleys.

Proposition 54 Passes. Although denounced by opponents as a measure designed only to hide California’s racial inequities, Proposition 54 passes by a wide voter margin, obviously due to the inherent racism of the majority of Californians. No On 54 organizers will go on record as saying, “If only we had been able to keep that illegal unreported $35,000 from the ASUC, Proposition 54 would have failed for sure. Theoretically speaking, we mean.” In related news, the ASUC will be formally dissolved due to gross mismanagement and replaced by a comical robot with a built in decibel meter wearing a judge’s wig and robe that allocates money and makes policy decisions based solely on who makes the most noise. In the end, student government observers will note little difference.

Jay Leno will Retire. Following the conclusion of the Recall Election, Jay Leno will retire, citing a total lack of comedic material. Growing restless and needing to revitalize his comic portfolio, Leno will himself personally finance another recall election and will also put up the funding to have the Dancing Ito’s placed on the ballot, only to finally tearfully realize that he is nothing but a mediocre comedian. As a result, Leno will commit seppuku on Steve Allen’s grave while Kevin Eubanks cries good-naturedly.

My Man-tool will Grow 18 Inches. Because of a hidden rider in Proposition 53, which will pass handily, my penis will double in size, reaching a whopping 1 yard in total length. This will come in particularly handy when I walk-on to the Cal football team as a nude running back used only in close fourth-down situations, necessitating extensive NCAA football rules changes, not to mention revised ESPN broadcasting policies.