Local dog Fido Proletariat achieved the dream of dogs and men alike yesterday, managing to catch his own tail for the first time after years of effort. Upon initially biting the tail, Fido growled with intense satisfaction and ground the … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Closeted Student Plots Homoerotic Shaming
Eric Hill, a gay Berkeley freshman, is planning to pretend to pass out at a fraternity party in the hope that he will be teabagged.
Fraternity members are infamous for pranking people who pass out from alcohol intoxication by doing … Read More
<i>Pirates of the Caribbean</i> Party Results in No Booty
Jeremy Stout, a fifth-year mass communications major, has finally decided to depledge from fraternity Alpha Alpha Alpha after not getting any action at their “Pirates of the Caribbean” party last Friday.
For the party, AAA hired DJ Chentastic, who spun … Read More
Band’s Death Leads Baltic Region to War
Freshman Kyle Watkins sat up suddenly in history class today, stunned to learn that world war had broken out over the death of hot new rock group Franz Ferdinand.
“Shit, I didn’t even know they were from Austria,” he explained.… Read More
Mike “The Bomb” Yu Held for Questioning
Last week the National Terror Alert Level was raised to orange due to a security threat on the UC Berkeley campus. According to officials, a student was heard making a bomb threat after learning of his grade on an exam.… Read More
Hipsters Rally Around Bush
A recent Gallup poll of likely voters shows a surprising groundswell of support for President Bush in the hipster community.
“Bush’s handling of the war in Iraq is so bad, it’s good,” explained Moffitt Library employee Erin Reardon, wearing a … Read More
Man Wasting His Life by Enjoying It
Sources close to Berkeley resident Daniel Arnette report that the 24-year-old percussionist and freelance graphic designer is throwing his life away by habitually seeking happiness and fulfillment from his waking hours.
“Just last week, Daniel was telling me that he … Read More
Tragedy Befalls Guinness
The Guinness Brewing Company, world renowned for championing Irish stereotypes and for its quasi-popular Guinness Book of World Records, witnessed record-breaking bloodshed at its annual World Record Holders Convention in Burbank, California, last weekend.
According to preliminary reports, the incident … Read More
Friends Worried About Joe
Local pedophile Joe Flagherty has started to lose interest in his illegal hobby and is drifting away from his pedophile friends.
Flagherty recently purchased the Sony Playstation 2 and Xbox game consoles to add to his colorful candy-filled living room, … Read More
Stupidity Mistaken for Wittiness
At a recent soiree, the moronic comments of Cal sophomore Tiffany Hilm were mistaken for clever witticisms. Her inane comments dealt with subjects ranging from politics to music.
Social psychologist Andy Dolden explained the phenomenon. “When you have a beautiful … Read More
