For the fourth consecutive month, eight hundred anytime minutes with free calling after nine and on weekends proved too minuscule a plan for deaf-mute Keith Bagley’s gregarious lifestyle.
Though Keith cannot talk or hear, he still spends much of his … Read More
According to Internet rumor mills, renowned film star Jim Caviezel is in negotiations to play the title role in Warner Brothers’ upcoming Superman Returns. Caviezel, who also played the title role in Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, is … Read More
President Bush yesterday announced the identity of the new enemy in the War on Terror. “Gypsies,” he said derisively. “Filthy gypsies who would strangle one another for a sheep’s bladder of wine.”
Following Bush’s fireside proclamation, a general was sent … Read More
A man reportedly oblivious to all that is good and just in the world allegedly wrapped his worldly possessions in cellophane while you were listening to a lecture, sitting in a library, or otherwise attempting to concentrate on what the … Read More
Josh Newbin, a Berkeley junior, got laid last night solely because of the Garden State soundtrack. The album, featuring soul-wrenching songs from such artists as The Shins and Frou Frou, is known to give those listening to it an aura … Read More
Jeremy Stout, a fifth-year mass communications major, has finally decided to depledge from fraternity Alpha Alpha Alpha after not getting any action at their “Pirates of the Caribbean” party last Friday.
For the party, AAA hired DJ Chentastic, who spun … Read More
Freshman Kyle Watkins sat up suddenly in history class today, stunned to learn that world war had broken out over the death of hot new rock group Franz Ferdinand.
“Shit, I didn’t even know they were from Austria,” he explained.… Read More
Last week the National Terror Alert Level was raised to orange due to a security threat on the UC Berkeley campus. According to officials, a student was heard making a bomb threat after learning of his grade on an exam.… Read More
A recent Gallup poll of likely voters shows a surprising groundswell of support for President Bush in the hipster community.
“Bush’s handling of the war in Iraq is so bad, it’s good,” explained Moffitt Library employee Erin Reardon, wearing a … Read More
Sources close to Berkeley resident Daniel Arnette report that the 24-year-old percussionist and freelance graphic designer is throwing his life away by habitually seeking happiness and fulfillment from his waking hours.
“Just last week, Daniel was telling me that he … Read More
