Local dog Fido Proletariat achieved the dream of dogs and men alike yesterday, managing to catch his own tail for the first time after years of effort. Upon initially biting the tail, Fido growled with intense satisfaction and ground the … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Closeted Student Plots Homoerotic Shaming
Eric Hill, a gay Berkeley freshman, is planning to pretend to pass out at a fraternity party in the hope that he will be teabagged.
Fraternity members are infamous for pranking people who pass out from alcohol intoxication by doing … Read More
Friends Worried About Joe
Local pedophile Joe Flagherty has started to lose interest in his illegal hobby and is drifting away from his pedophile friends.
Flagherty recently purchased the Sony Playstation 2 and Xbox game consoles to add to his colorful candy-filled living room, … Read More
Stupidity Mistaken for Wittiness
At a recent soiree, the moronic comments of Cal sophomore Tiffany Hilm were mistaken for clever witticisms. Her inane comments dealt with subjects ranging from politics to music.
Social psychologist Andy Dolden explained the phenomenon. “When you have a beautiful … Read More
Problem Found
President Bush yesterday announced the identity of the new enemy in the War on Terror. “Gypsies,” he said derisively. “Filthy gypsies who would strangle one another for a sheep’s bladder of wine.”
Following Bush’s fireside proclamation, a general was sent … Read More
Man Wraps Worldly Possessions in Cellophane
A man reportedly oblivious to all that is good and just in the world allegedly wrapped his worldly possessions in cellophane while you were listening to a lecture, sitting in a library, or otherwise attempting to concentrate on what the … Read More
<i>Garden State</i> Soundtrack Gets Local Man Laid
Josh Newbin, a Berkeley junior, got laid last night solely because of the Garden State soundtrack. The album, featuring soul-wrenching songs from such artists as The Shins and Frou Frou, is known to give those listening to it an aura … Read More
<i>Pirates of the Caribbean</i> Party Results in No Booty
Jeremy Stout, a fifth-year mass communications major, has finally decided to depledge from fraternity Alpha Alpha Alpha after not getting any action at their “Pirates of the Caribbean” party last Friday.
For the party, AAA hired DJ Chentastic, who spun … Read More
Band’s Death Leads Baltic Region to War
Freshman Kyle Watkins sat up suddenly in history class today, stunned to learn that world war had broken out over the death of hot new rock group Franz Ferdinand.
“Shit, I didn’t even know they were from Austria,” he explained.… Read More
Mike “The Bomb” Yu Held for Questioning
Last week the National Terror Alert Level was raised to orange due to a security threat on the UC Berkeley campus. According to officials, a student was heard making a bomb threat after learning of his grade on an exam.… Read More
