The sexual orientation of handsomely disheveled res-comp worker Tom Marcus was called into question this Christmas when he was given a silver Volkswagen Jetta by his parents.
“It’s a really nice car,” said longtime friend Cassie Cho. “Yeah! If I … Read More
A recent survey reveals that, in casual speech, the “Jr.” is omitted from the end of “Martin Luther King” 67% of the time. “This not only detracts from Martin Luther King Jr.’s well-deserved recognition, but also gives undo respect to … Read More
In a shocking turn of events, Kelly Harrison, a beautiful psychology major, has fallen for Tim Macy, her best friend, her ballroom dancing partner, and a member of the crew team. For years, Macy had feelings for Harrison, who he … Read More
Lt. Col. Rebecca Hastings decided it would be fun for everyone if the Iraqi prisoners put on a play about why they love freedom so much.
“Everyone’s always so glum around here,” she said. “I thought it would be nice … Read More
At a formal European Council meeting yesterday, Sweden and Switzerland confirmed what many Americans have long suspected: they’re both really the same country.
For years Europeans had scoffed at Americans who confused the always-neutral Swiss with the oft-noncombatant Swedes, but … Read More
Famed singer Morrissey, formerly of The Smiths, has written a song containing neither irony nor sarcasm. The new single, slated to kick off his forthcoming album, is called “I Actually Drive a Jaguar” and should hit radio airwaves in late … Read More
In a shocking and ironic turn of events, Wurster Hall, famous for its training of the architects of tomorrow, collapsed today. The colossal gray building, deemed “goddamned hideous” by countless passersby, simply caved in on itself at 5:42 a.m., crushing … Read More
For the fourth consecutive month, eight hundred anytime minutes with free calling after nine and on weekends proved too minuscule a plan for deaf-mute Keith Bagley’s gregarious lifestyle.
Though Keith cannot talk or hear, he still spends much of his … Read More
According to Internet rumor mills, renowned film star Jim Caviezel is in negotiations to play the title role in Warner Brothers’ upcoming Superman Returns. Caviezel, who also played the title role in Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, is … Read More
The fragile remains of local auto mechanic and Vietnam veteran Jacob Renwood’s feeble grasp on reality disintegrated Thursday night during a commercial for a Vietnam-themed video game. “It brought me back,” sobbed Renwood, lamenting his lost youth, “you know, to … Read More
