In a shocking turn of events, Kelly Harrison, a beautiful psychology major, has fallen for Tim Macy, her best friend, her ballroom dancing partner, and a member of the crew team. For years, Macy had feelings for Harrison, who he … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
3 Dead, 12 Wounded After Bear Wanders Into Furry Convention
The San Jose Airport Hilton was the scene of a tragedy Thursday, as fifteen people were attacked by a wayward bear. The Alaskan Kodiak, escaped from a nearby zoo, became enraged when numerous “furry” fetishists tried to have sex with … Read More
Berkeley Bong Ripping Contest Violates Law of Non-contradiction
Last weekend, Berkeley’s most notorious potheads faced off in a battle of lung capacity and “sheer stoner righteousness,” resulting in a logical paradox of G+A|delian proportions.
The paradox arose from the identification of the contest’s apparent winner, David Resinbauch, as … Read More
Architecture Building Collapses
In a shocking and ironic turn of events, Wurster Hall, famous for its training of the architects of tomorrow, collapsed today. The colossal gray building, deemed “goddamned hideous” by countless passersby, simply caved in on itself at 5:42 a.m., crushing … Read More
Deaf-mute Goes Over Cell Phone Minutes
For the fourth consecutive month, eight hundred anytime minutes with free calling after nine and on weekends proved too minuscule a plan for deaf-mute Keith Bagley’s gregarious lifestyle.
Though Keith cannot talk or hear, he still spends much of his … Read More
Jim Caviezel Asks for It
According to Internet rumor mills, renowned film star Jim Caviezel is in negotiations to play the title role in Warner Brothers’ upcoming Superman Returns. Caviezel, who also played the title role in Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ, is … Read More
Veteran Weeps Uncontrollably
The fragile remains of local auto mechanic and Vietnam veteran Jacob Renwood’s feeble grasp on reality disintegrated Thursday night during a commercial for a Vietnam-themed video game. “It brought me back,” sobbed Renwood, lamenting his lost youth, “you know, to … Read More
Dog Analogous to Capitalism
Local dog Fido Proletariat achieved the dream of dogs and men alike yesterday, managing to catch his own tail for the first time after years of effort. Upon initially biting the tail, Fido growled with intense satisfaction and ground the … Read More
Closeted Student Plots Homoerotic Shaming
Eric Hill, a gay Berkeley freshman, is planning to pretend to pass out at a fraternity party in the hope that he will be teabagged.
Fraternity members are infamous for pranking people who pass out from alcohol intoxication by doing … Read More
Iraqi Prisoners Put On Freedom Play
Lt. Col. Rebecca Hastings decided it would be fun for everyone if the Iraqi prisoners put on a play about why they love freedom so much.
“Everyone’s always so glum around here,” she said. “I thought it would be nice … Read More
