In a shocking turn of events, Kelly Harrison, a beautiful psychology major, has fallen for Tim Macy, her best friend, her ballroom dancing partner, and a member of the crew team. For years, Macy had feelings for Harrison, who he … Read More
In a shocking turn of events, Kelly Harrison, a beautiful psychology major, has fallen for Tim Macy, her best friend, her ballroom dancing partner, and a member of the crew team. For years, Macy had feelings for Harrison, who he … Read More
The San Jose Airport Hilton was the scene of a tragedy Thursday, as fifteen people were attacked by a wayward bear. The Alaskan Kodiak, escaped from a nearby zoo, became enraged when numerous “furry” fetishists tried to have sex with … Read More
Last weekend, Berkeley’s most notorious potheads faced off in a battle of lung capacity and “sheer stoner righteousness,” resulting in a logical paradox of G+A|delian proportions.
The paradox arose from the identification of the contest’s apparent winner, David Resinbauch, as … Read More
Local dog Fido Proletariat achieved the dream of dogs and men alike yesterday, managing to catch his own tail for the first time after years of effort. Upon initially biting the tail, Fido growled with intense satisfaction and ground the … Read More
Eric Hill, a gay Berkeley freshman, is planning to pretend to pass out at a fraternity party in the hope that he will be teabagged.
Fraternity members are infamous for pranking people who pass out from alcohol intoxication by doing … Read More
Lt. Col. Rebecca Hastings decided it would be fun for everyone if the Iraqi prisoners put on a play about why they love freedom so much.
“Everyone’s always so glum around here,” she said. “I thought it would be nice … Read More
At a formal European Council meeting yesterday, Sweden and Switzerland confirmed what many Americans have long suspected: they’re both really the same country.
For years Europeans had scoffed at Americans who confused the always-neutral Swiss with the oft-noncombatant Swedes, but … Read More
Famed singer Morrissey, formerly of The Smiths, has written a song containing neither irony nor sarcasm. The new single, slated to kick off his forthcoming album, is called “I Actually Drive a Jaguar” and should hit radio airwaves in late … Read More
In a shocking and ironic turn of events, Wurster Hall, famous for its training of the architects of tomorrow, collapsed today. The colossal gray building, deemed “goddamned hideous” by countless passersby, simply caved in on itself at 5:42 a.m., crushing … Read More
For the fourth consecutive month, eight hundred anytime minutes with free calling after nine and on weekends proved too minuscule a plan for deaf-mute Keith Bagley’s gregarious lifestyle.
Though Keith cannot talk or hear, he still spends much of his … Read More