Dentist: Hi Mr. Ziaygeean, how are you?
Me: Uh.. I’m good. But its pronounced Zee-aye-en.
Dentist: Ok. Alright. I got it. So how’s school treating you?
Me: Not too bad. Classes are always hard, but I’m finding time to have … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
de-cal Spring 2001
Schedule of classes
Sociology 98: How Many People Can I Get to Show Up For My de-Cal Class with an Enticing Course Description?
This class is offered for 7 units. Satisfies the American Cultures requirement. Free beer. Exotic dancers. And up to $20-200 … Read More
Meat & Greet
Behavioral scientist B. F. Skinner once wrote, “Human conversations are as varied as stars in the night sky, and no less infinite in their possibility.” Malarkey, says I. When the pretense has been stripped away, there are but three basic … Read More
Ask Saundra Firth
Better Living through My Vagina
Janeane from Carson City, NV asks, “So how is your column different from the many other advice columns out there?”
Well, Janeane, for starters, I think outside the box. I’m a no nonsense go-getter, so don’t expect me to sweet … Read More
Drawn & Quartered
State quarters brought to you by the Squelch
California:
From the eager immigrants and 49ers who failed to strike gold to the would-be actresses reduced to waiting tables and turning tricks, California has been crushing the hopes and dreams of starry-eyed innocents for over a century. Now you … Read More
Leonard & His Penis
A Tragedy in Eleven Memos
To: Leonard McAllister
From: your penis, Leonard.
Subject: a little action?
Leonard, this is your penis. For God’s sake, man, you’re twenty-two years old. I have been more than patient with you, and would very much like it if you … Read More
I Had Sex on Tuesday with Emily Chung
I am a detective who works the mean streets of Berkeley. And on this job, I’ve just about seen it all. Drive-bys, crimes of passion, crimes of capital, battery, rape, drugs, alcohol, assault. So forgive me if I’m cynical when … Read More
I Think I’m Ready To Be An 8-Bit Videogame Villain
HA HA HA . . .
THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU NOW . . .
THE GIRL IS MINE . . .
AND YOU WILL DIE!!!
How was that, was that convincing? I don’t know, I’m still getting the … Read More
Dear Doris McNulty
I’m Sorry…
UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS 1ST FORCE SERVICE SUPPORT GROUP, MARFORPAC BOX 555606 CAMP PENDLETON, CALIFORNIA 92055-5606
November 12, 2000
Dear Doris McNulty,
I would like to sincerely apologize for my despicable behavior October 13th, 1999 on the Price is Right … Read More
Tomorrow’s Tuesday Last Week!
Berkeley scientists recently developed an experimental time travel device, and to test its effectiveness they’ve created a “Study Abroad in Time” program. In this program, students volunteer to spend a semester studying at Berkeley in the future and report on … Read More
