Frank was a 22 year old recent Cal graduate, and he didn’t know what he was going to do with himself. The summer after graduation had struck him like a thunderbolt, and when he regained rational thought he noticed it … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
A Public Service Announcement
About Dick
Recently I’ve noticed a tendency for the male species to woo the opposite sex with witty personal anecdotes, clean-pressed clothing, and fine bodily fragrances. In all honesty, as a woman, I must clarify the misinterpreted demands of the female sex.… Read More
Mexiphysics
Mexican Food as Metaphysical Metaphor
Example 1: One-Dimensional space
One dimensional space extends in only two directions. Concepts commonplace in two or even three dimensional space are rendered impossible by the one-dimensional universe, which does not possess the properties necessary for their existence.
Consider the … Read More
REBUTTAL April 2001
Squelch management has agreed to open this space for students to respond to a paid advertisement published in our March edition. As with all non-editorial content, the Squelch Senior Editorial Board does not condone or condemn the sucky views expressed … Read More
Words from the Top
Writing for the Squelch is Stupid
People harbor a number of illusions in their sad little lives. “My parents probably know best.” “It’s fine that oil companies regulate their own output of environmental toxins. The EPA wouldn’t let them if it were bad for us.” “Overpopulation … Read More
The Dynamics of Cool
Elementary School
Though elementary school offers possibly the most free time for self-expression, it also sadly encompasses a population with very little self to express. However, there is still room to distinguish oneself socially, particularly by exploiting the unstated hierarchies … Read More
Berkeley Fables Par Excellence
The Man And The Lion At Strada
A man and a lion had been friends for a long time. One day, while they were relaxing at Cafe Strada, the man confessed he was envious of his friend. “Lion,” he said, … Read More
Words from the Top
Medium, but Rare
No matter what your parents and coaches tell you, competitive sports are not about having fun; they’re about winning. So, what’s really important is who’s the best, not who’s the most entertained.
When I played soccer as a little kid, … Read More
My 800 SAT Verbal Score…
Makes Me a Total Sex Machine
By no means would I objectively consider myself as anything more than an average guy. I inherited my dad’s sizable nose and my mother’s tiny chest, although the latter has worked out okay. My penis is well within one standard … Read More
I Like Girls
Sometimes, not all the time mind you, but sometimes people call me sexist. I’ll be watching a tape of Mystery Science Theater 3000, or beating a woman and suddenly, out of the blue, someone will come to me and say, … Read More
