You Can Rinse and Spit Now

Dentist: Hi Mr. Ziaygeean, how are you?
Me: Uh.. I’m good. But its pronounced Zee-aye-en.
Dentist: Ok. Alright. I got it. So how’s school treating you?
Me: Not too bad. Classes are always hard, but I’m finding time to have fun. I work for this mag–
Dentist: Well, sure, sure that’s just great. Have a seat. So, are any of your teeth bothering you?
Me: Nope, everything feels fine.
Dentist: That’ good. Here, let’s take a look. Open wide.
Me: (Opens wide)
Dentist: (Explores with mini-mirror and pick) So, are you still playing basketball?
Me: Ahhhh, ewee woncin whyo. Meh crossover eh gehwin wewwer.
Dentist: College was the best time of my life; studying in the libraries, always being around friends, and living on my own. You learn a lot about yourself in those four years.
Me: Huup.
Dentist: What year are you now?
Me: Thuud.
Dentist: Oh, only one more year. What do you plan on doing?
Me: I waha ho to wehico huu.
Dentist: Medical school that’s great! What type of doctor are you looking to become?
Me: I weh waye wu wee uh cardiolo–
Dentist: (to assistant) Suction.
Frank: Got it.
Dentist: So, Frank, how did your night go with the Copelands?
Frank: Not too bad. We went to that place you recommended off the pier.
Dentist: Oh, that quaint little Italian restaurant. I love their garlic bread. I’d still go there if that was all they served. You don’t know of any good Fondue restaurants, do you Frank? I’ve been meaning to take my wife.
Me: Tha wa I wike a wippe fah.
Dentist: Excuse me?
Me: Tha wa I wike a wippe fah.
Dentist: It’s one thing to interrupt our converstion, Mr. Zermeaaan, but its just not right for you to talk so crudely about my wife. She may have put on a bit of weight recently, but she’s still a beautiful woman. And a damn fine cook.
Me: HUH! I haid hit fah.
Dentist: I’m not going to hit you first, Mr Zebraman. That would be completely unprofessional. But, just make one move, and I’ll throw down, alright. Frank, hold my smock.
Me: Whaa, woo! I witten way aneewin.
Dentist: What’s that, college boy? You want some of this? Here you go, smart ass! (Begins ravaging gums with pick)
Me: Ouch! What the hell just happened? I just said my favorite restaurant, Diptacular Fondue, is rather far. Now look. I’m missing several of my bicuspids.
Dentist: What? You didn’t just describe my balding head as a scabby, flaky excuse for human hair? It’s just a Rogaine allergy, goddammit!
Me: No. I don’t even think I said that many syllables.
Dentist: Oh, I’m sorry. I must have misheard you.
Me: I guess so. You know, I’d love to sit here and straighten this all out, but I’m still bleeding here.
Dentist: I’m really sorry. Just sit back down and I’ll fix you up.
Me: Yeah, okay, but I can’t believe you just did that.
Dentist: I don’t know what got in to me.
Me: I owinsan he habin.
Dentist: I’m just falling apart. Work has been stressful. The ADA has been on my ass about my refusal to recommend the new variety of Triple Crest. But the worst thing is that my wife needs a scotch and soda just to take the edge off our dinner conversations. I try to make my passion for dentistry interesting to her, but she just interrupts and asks if I can get her some more Valium.
Me: Ew, oway. Puff wike whap wahpen. Hum haim waefe woo u wemon. U Little League wow win is haab woin wugh wo we wuu. Whea wih whire, wehwuh, an I bin weenin wo weh ha whah ah wa wine, bah I Bunnicula han. Um wareb a wabawin ha awaiwinwip. I wohn woo waywe heh we. Waywe I hah wear a iwinawi.
Dentist: What can I say? You’re exactly right. Thanks for the advice, Mr. Ziaeian.
Me: Wup. Mo wowem.
Dentist: I think you’ve got a cavity.
Me: Howee wit!
Dentist: Looks like you’re going to have to come back next week.
Me: Wuh! Weh!
Dentist: Frank, be sure to put in him in the book. You can rinse and spit now.