To: Leonard McAllister
From: your penis, Leonard.
Subject: a little action?
Leonard, this is your penis. For God’s sake, man, you’re twenty-two years old. I have been more than patient with you, and would very much like it if you … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Tricks to Play on People
That are Sure to Make You a Popular Guy
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Find a group of people willing to smoke out with you in a dimly lit room. Force the rotation till everyone has taken at least six or seven puffs. Go to the bathroom, and pour water all over your crotch.
The Science Of Linguistics
An Elementary Introduction
People GAA common folk, I mean GAA often approach me and say to me, “Dashing Rogue Linguist, we are intrigued by you and your fair science of Linguistics GAA comely Phonology, ravishing Morphology, and even gangly Syntax GAA but we … Read More
Words from the Top
Apolitical Commentary
Recently, some people have complained about the political content, or lack thereof, in our fine humor magazine. “Hey The Heuristic Squelch,” they write, “why so little election coverage?” The simple answer is that we just don’t care very much. … Read More
Getting Acquainted with London
A Traveller’s Guide
Once the capital of the greatest empire in the world, London might be considered the depressed has-been of the world’s great cities. But people there do speak English, and phone booths are filled with pornographic call-girl advertising. Besides, where else … Read More
O-Chem: <i>Erotica </i>
I’ve had enough of all this war-mongering scientific rhetoric. After countless science lectures, I now see the blatant attempts to mask the eroticism inherently existing on the micro scale. Rather than expose our minds to the naked truth of molecules … Read More
A World Where All Men Are Named Sean Keane
SCENE 1 JUNIOR HIGH CAFETERIA
Cindy: OK, now you have to tell me who you like.
Laura: Well, you know that guy in our history class GAA Sean Keane?
Cindy: Eeew GAA Sean Keane?
Laura: No, not Sean Keane. … Read More
The Duck Hunt Conundrum
Optical Reflection/Refraction
In an effort to restore peace and stop world hunger, Squelch researchers have rigorously tested the original Nintendo Duck Hunt Gun. We hope our research will give us a better understanding of its mystical powers. To those unfamiliar with the … Read More
Words from the Top
Class of 2004: Don’t Sing It, Bring It
Whitney Houston once sang, “I believe that children are the future/ Teach them well and let them lead the way.” True, she also later said, “I believe that Bobby Brown’s recording career has a future,” but that shouldn’t detract from … Read More
The First Time I Got Lay’d
I still remember the first day I put a Salt & Vinegar chip in my mouth. It was ninth grade, and I stayed after school for our weekly Academic Decathlon study sessions. A prerequisite for these meetings was bringing snacks, … Read More
