O-Chem: <i>Erotica </i>

I’ve had enough of all this war-mongering scientific rhetoric. After countless science lectures, I now see the blatant attempts to mask the eroticism inherently existing on the micro scale. Rather than expose our minds to the naked truth of molecules performing lewd and sexual acts, professors use barbaric language designed to train young minds to become lean, mean, asexual-fighting-machines. How often have we heard the words “the nucleophile attacks the electrophile kicking of the leaving group?”

Damn you, Vollhardt and all your fascist ideology!

Think about this: if molecules were continuously “at war” with each other, they would not form bonds or stable structures over time. They would eventually tire, or even bleed to death. My friends, what is it that gets you out of bed in the morning? It is, quite simply, the desire to procreate with other more beautiful people. Why wouldn’t the building blocks of life also share the same sort of erotic lust that we face every day?

Taking a more objective look at your typical Sn2 reaction, one can see the erotic nature of the nucleophile casually slipping in behind the electrophile, preparing for “doggystyle” entrance.

Here is a typical Sn2 backside reaction – if you know what I’m saying.

**Scene: 5 ml of 1 M solution of NaOH added to 50 mg of 1- Bromopropane **

Hydroxide Ion: “So you come here often?”
Partially Positive Carbon: “Not really, I just got stirred in five minutes ago.”
Hydroxide Ion: “I wanted to ask what you thought of these.”,
Partially Positive Carbon: “Oh, are those electrons for me? They’re beautiful.”
Hydroxide Ion: “Yes they are. I couldn’t help but notice your beautiful green eyes from the other side of the beaker. I’d like it if we could bond and form a more stable SP3 orbital. I’m just a basic guy standing in front of Carbon asking her to love me…”
Partially Positive Carbon: “You’re different. Promise me you won’t take my hydrogens and leave me like all those big bulky bases.”
Hydroxide Ion: “My electron configuration does not allow me to leave. You complete me.”
Partially Positive Carbon: “Fuck it. Lets stop this beating around the bush. Just stick your big 2P orbital in my doop chute, and get this bromine off of me.”

If that is not chemistry, I don’t know what is. Now that I know the truth, just thinking about protein synthesis gives me a stiffy. All those peptide bonds make me feel dirty inside … but in a good way. Then there is transcription translation – just imagine being undressed by helicase and pinned down by binding proteins while DNA polymerase II goes to work on me. It makes me want to – AHHH! AHHHH! AHhhh! Damn that was good. I think I’m going to fall asleep in lecture now.