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Find a group of people willing to smoke out with you in a dimly lit room. Force the rotation till everyone has taken at least six or seven puffs. Go to the bathroom, and pour water all over your crotch. Walk back out, look really depressed and clam up, and see if anyone says anything.
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Gain a lot of weight. Then find a job at a Long John Silver’s. Cleverly fry a rat and wrap it. When the customer asks why you just gave them a fried rat, tell them, “Well, since you obviously don’t care about your body by eating at shitty fast food restaurants, I thought you’d enjoy it,” and then spit in their face. Then throw your pirate hat on the ground, step on it once and storm away angrily.
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The next time someone throws something at you, and says, “Come on, dude, you should have caught that,” punch them in the face, and say, “Stop throwing things at me, jackass.”
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When you see a young boy in line behind you buying a candy bar at a Safeway or Andronico’s, knock all the candy hanging on the racks into your pile of groceries in one dramatic swoop. Open up your Playboy and start thumbing through it as you ask for a carton of cigarettes. Then at the end, slowly take out your Visa and say, “Just put it on my credit card.”
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Go to McDonald’s. Take a seat, read a book. After half an hour, go to the register and ask what is taking so long. When they ask for your order number, pick a receipt off the floor and continue arguing. Make sure to say, “Just do me a favor and die quickly,” before leaving.
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Take a fold up table, two chairs, and a pack of Tarot cards out to Telegraph. Fake a Jamaican accent (if you’re black) or a British accent (if you’re white) or either if you be neither. When people ask about their future, tell them they will find love, happiness, and a good career that lets them retire at 30 only to spend the rest of their lives doing whatever they want.
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Before turning in a paper or midterm to a GSI, make sure to add the phrase “If you don’t give me an A, you will bear the consequences” in the conclusion. Underneath, draw a obscene cartoon of you having sex with a horse.
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At a party, walk up to an attractive girl you don’t know, start a conversation. Light up a cigarette. Casually puff some smoke in her face. Apologize profusely, using arm gestures to clear away the smoke in all sincerity. From then on, turn your head every time you exhale, making sure to aim the smoke directly at her face out of the corner of your mouth.
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Show up to a Squelch meeting. Don’t say anything and smile politely. If anyone tries to talk to you, turn away and whisper in Sean Keane’s ear, who will then say, “I’m sorry, but Fred Lee doesn’t speak to unfunny people.”
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Find a group of people willing to smoke out with you in a dimly lit room. Force the rotation till everyone’s taken at least six or seven puffs. Put food on the table, which is literally laced with rat poison. Announce, “The food is laced with rat poison, but it’s the only food left in the house.” As they die, clenched fists shaking at you and the bong, give a lecture about the space alien overlords who will not let those with hearts full of hate into consumer technology heaven.
