While the Squelch is known for it’s off-kilter slightly irregular comedy, I’d like to take this chance to inform Berkeley and the public at large of one fundamental fact: I am a great boyfriend.
Sometimes I’ll be walking around town … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Stretching
Let’s face it: there are a lot of problems in this world. The gap between the “have’s” and the “have-not’s” gets wider and wider each day. A ride on the U.S. stock market now feels like a poorly designed attraction … Read More
Dear Mr. & Ms. Dunnegan,
It has come to my attention that you have been, erroneously, under the impression that your son Roger is gay. If you two want to cry yourselves to sleep thinking that your pride and joy has, 20 years after leaving … Read More
Botanist’s Dream
Ophrys bilunulata, the cunning seductive temptress of Central Europe, discloses her arching figure, velvety hair, and fragrant scent; twisting the palpating heart of the male Andrena flavipesi to such a wicked degree that the loins of A. flavipesi swelter … Read More
SUBJECT: Upcoming Budget Cuts
FROM: Chancellor Berdahl (texasqueen@yahoo.com) TO: Cal Students (feesmonkeys@uclink.berkeley.edu) CC: Spring Admits (probablynots@uclink.berkeley.edu) Governor Davis (darthg@aol.com) REPLY TO: Kevin Deenihan (kevin@pkarchive.org)
As many of you are no doubt aware, the State’s budget situation is particularly grim this year. Our state’s penchant … Read More
Oh, Those Alienated Teenagers!
_Fact of life: we all went through our sullen, withdrawn phases sometime in our teenage years. Some may deny it, but they will only turn out to be bitter alcoholics that quietly seethe about marrying young and taking a job … Read More
DMT: Di-Methyl-Tryptamine
Phil: … This guy told me, when you do DMT, if you take the threshold amount, it’s
like “elves de-cloak and take you to fairyland.” It’s supposed to be so fucking weird,
right? But it seems totally real. And it … Read More
Dear Bachelorette Trista,
First off let me say you made the right decision; but you definitely made the wrong choice. What do I mean by that you ask? Well let me explain.
When you cut the first 24 guys, you were right on … Read More
Altercations with an Irishman
It’s 2024. My rebellious son Seamus O’Murphy Padrick-Keane wants to borrow the space-car, but he’s been grounded for breaking space-curfew. When I refuse to give him the keys, Seamus wallops me over the head with an empty bottle of space-whiskey. … Read More
The Most Courteous Gentleman’s Guide to Office Efficacy
Greetings fellow young adults! Many of you are like myself, holding down a part-time office job in order to finance your necessary collegiate expenditures. Whether they be fees and housing or booze and hookers, having a well-paying part-time job makes … Read More
