Believe it or not, some cities in this country aren’t as conducive to veganism and politically left-leaning ideals as our great town. Amazingly, in some cities white middle class youth waste their lives going to ovrepriced universities in preparation for … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Restroom Etiquette
Dear Mr. Rothenberg,
It has come to our understanding that, unlike many males your age, you were raised by a pack of wolves.
Unfortunately, at this late age you’ve never learned the proper etiquette for certain ‘masculine-only’ institutions. It’s possible … Read More
Tips For Time Travelers
Here at the dawn of a new millennium, it is interesting to contemplate the many changes technology may bring us and to plan ahead. Therefore, I present to you my Tips for Time Travelers.
Always keep an almanac
While it … Read More
Words From the Top
Difficult Boiled
Unlike others who assume the position of Editor-In-Chief of the Heuristic Squelch just for the bragging rights, or for the throngs of cute fans, or even for the opportunity to undermine the revolution, I have a larger goal in mind: … Read More
Boo Cal Band, Boo
For three football seasons now, I’ve put up with the Slovenian-army uniforms, the hats bought on clearance from Pierre’s Styles of the French Foreign Legion Boutique, and the damned high-stepping as if the entire gridiron were an Afghan minefield on … Read More
Am I Cooler than a Former Sitcom Star?
Whenever I’m feeling down, I like to boost my self-esteem by comparing myself to other people. Perhaps that’s why I like alcoholics, the elderly, and people who play Counterstrike. Recently, however, I chose someone who would prove to be a … Read More
LeVar Burton Has No Friends
LeVar Burton is a lonely, lonely man. For years, I watched him enrich the lives and minds of young and old alike as host of Reading Rainbow. He traveled to the farthest reaches of fantasy and brought imagination along with … Read More
Why Jesus is the most popular guy around
There is no doubt in my mind that Jesus Christ is the most popular guy around, even though he’s been dead for millions of years. And I’m not the only one because there are a lot of people that love … Read More
A Swashbuckling Scene from the High Seas
It is the briny deck of the buccaneer galleon, “The Blackart.” The dread Jolly Roger is flying atop the mizzenmast. In the background can be seen the swells of the treacherous deep. A rowboat approaches the vessel and its lone … Read More
My Date with Ola Ray
My ’63 Convertible slowed to a stop in the eerie woods. There were no streetlights or signs of civilization for miles. You think I was scared? HA! Not with my date in the passenger seat. That night, I wore balls.… Read More
