Dear Heirs and Heiresses,
Thank you for coming to the reading of my will. My lawyer, Bill Edmonds, will be conducting the reading, and is legally obliged to read every word. Since I never liked Bill: shitsucker! I, Bill Edmonds, … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
A Day in the Life of Ma-ti
Planeteer with the Power of Heart
Power Assignment Meeting
Captain Planet: So we’ve got the four main elements covered and assigned to the proper ethnic stereotype, but what is it that Indians do again?
Gaia: Dot Indian or Feather Indian?
Captain Planet: Umm, dot, I guess.… Read More
Disabled Students Program
I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). This qualifies me for registration with the Disabled Students Program (DSP), which is the office that organizes academic accommodations like Extended Time Testing (ETT) and Note Taking Assistance (NTA) for students with Documented Learning … Read More
5 Other Bigs
Big Bum
The poorest man in Berkeley versus the poorest man at Stanford. This year Cal’s very own Steven and a small bag of his own excrement go up against Chad Wilson and his ’98 Toyota Camry. This highly anticipated … Read More
The Downfall of James Bond: Fatherhood
Fact: James Bond had sex. With women. A lot.
Fact: Women are responsible for babies.
It’s no secret that James Bond’s stealthy penis found its way into the cavities of many a femme fatale, but what isn’t not a secret … Read More
Lincoln/Kennedy Coincidences
Much has been written about the eerie parallels between Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. But overlooked are the even-more-eerie parallels between Lincoln, Kennedy, and former Oakland Raiders offensive tackle Lincoln Kennedy. Check it out.
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Lincoln was elected president in
Hey, Rhino
The Poker Game
Zack: In your face, Zookeeper Jackson!
Zookeeper Jackson: Crap. Well, here’s the deed to my zoo. And the keys to my giraffe.
Zack: Uh, the key goes where, exactly?
Former Zookeeper Jackson: In the keyhole.
Zack: Right, … Read More
Hilary Duff vs. Lindsay Lohan: An Objective Look
America is more polarized than ever before, and no issue is more divisive than the Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan feud. Therefore, it is imperative to take an impartial look at the issues so fans can decide for themselves who deserves superstardom … Read More
Words from the Top
An Above Average Guy
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty good at receiving blowjobs. I mean that in the sense that if we were both getting blowjobs, I’d not only win, I’d embarrass you in the process. I’ve always had special talents … Read More
Sports for the Deadbeat Dad
Studies have shown and sitcoms agree that the most important thing a father can do is pressure his children to play sports. But what if you don’t have time for that shit?
72% GAA forging McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces
21% … Read More
