As I gaze into my Microsoft SPOT watch and listen to my iPod Mini, I now realize that the digitized and specular-lit bump-mapped wheels of technology have spun their blue-LED-laser-guided gears to a new epoch. My virtual girlfriend is now … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Island Etiquette
Dear Kyle,
It has been seven days since I decided to eat you. It has also been seven days since you shot me in the leg and ran away from the plane with our only canteen.
It’s important to me … Read More
Sigmund Freud’s Forgotten Sessions
Many psychologists regard Sigmund Freud as one of the most influential psychologists of all time. But these people are forgetting that his “medical advice” consisted of huge amounts of cocaine GAA which, last time I checked, was responsible for people … Read More
I Am Smarter Than You
Hey you. So you think you are so smart, with your handlebar mustache and Swarovski crystal monocle, but do not nod your top hat and shake your mutton chops resolutely in wondrous awe of your own perspicacity. Maybe you won … Read More
19th Century Job Interviews
Boss: I understand you’re applying for…chimney sweep, Mr. Thorped?
Jimmer: Jimmer Thorped, best sweep in Merry England, sir! Sharp as Big Ben’s toll, I am.
Boss: Tortured analogies…good, good. And you’re an orphan by…?
Jimmer: Right sorry, governor?
Boss: Orphaned … Read More
Make Your Own Action Movie
The Briefing
Government Official: (gravely) I assume you all know why you’ve been called in here today. We’ve got three hours/seven days to diffuse this atomic/biological warhead planted by the notorious global corporation/ syndicate globotron/corp. I know you’re all just … Read More
Cosmetic Surgery for Animals
It is apparent that our society is becoming increasingly sexualized. From Lindsay Lohan’s big-ass titties to Donald Rumsfeld’s vagina tightening, male and female sexuality are being pushed to the limits through the wonders of cosmetic surgery. The pressure to look … Read More
A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Gooky Grocer
Oh dear reader, I am about to impart to you another woeful tale – indeed, a tale so full of woe that it would take four hundred two-time lottery-winning puppies made entirely of lucky nickels and therapy just to graduate … Read More
Semi-evil Doctor Dolittle
Have you ever wondered what happens when you take a fat kid’s peach cobbler? He sits on you. That’s right, he sits on you as he eats the rest of his peach cobbler, wishing it was a la mode. That’s … Read More
Theoretical Physics…for Children!
Energy
Imagine you’re making popcorn. Each kernel is like a molecule. The microwave or the stovetop or the burning trashcan you use to pop the corn is adding energy to the molecules, which makes them dance and play and bounce … Read More
