Everyone needs an enemies list. With all the talk of national disunity and the red/blue divide, I figure this “healing” is just a clever tactic. That’s right, they lull you into a false sense of security, then BAM, Senator Joe … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
The Adventures of Sven Bjolnir
Viking High School Student
Girls
Thor: [Grinning, surrounded by giggling wenches, showing off gleaming
warhammer] Yeah, I made this sweet little hunk of steel. Smithed her from the fire of a thousand stars. Oh, and did I mention that I
killed the evil serpent … Read More
A Day in the Life of D. West
That Drill Sergeant in Army Camos Who Goes on <i>The Maury Povich Show</i> and Yells at People
10:42 AM: Morning taping of Maury Povich Show. Yelled at 13-year-old hussy
until she tearfully promised to change her ways. Spent further 20 minutes yelling at her tears.
12:04 PM: Lunch break from taping. Yelled at deli worker until he … Read More
The Helper Monkeys Saga
STUDENTS ISSUED OBEDIENT HELPER MONKEYS
by Spencer Gilbert
In a thinly veiled attempt to divert funds from Berkeley’s unwanted stepchild, the Gender Studies Department, every currently enrolled student has been issued a live “helper monkey” to assist with day-to-day tasks. … Read More
Superhero Jury
Thanks to an extreme statistical improbability and several lucrative cross-licensing agreements,
twelve superheroes were called to serve as jurors in the murder case of State of New York vs. Lorenthal Smith.
Jury Selection
Judge: Okay, you’re now officially on the… Read More
A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Gooky Grocer
Oh dear reader, I am about to impart to you another woeful tale – indeed, a tale so full of woe that it would take four hundred two-time lottery-winning puppies made entirely of lucky nickels and therapy just to graduate … Read More
Semi-evil Doctor Dolittle
Have you ever wondered what happens when you take a fat kid’s peach cobbler? He sits on you. That’s right, he sits on you as he eats the rest of his peach cobbler, wishing it was a la mode. That’s … Read More
Theoretical Physics…for Children!
Energy
Imagine you’re making popcorn. Each kernel is like a molecule. The microwave or the stovetop or the burning trashcan you use to pop the corn is adding energy to the molecules, which makes them dance and play and bounce … Read More
Words from the Top
Peeing in Jars Is Not So Bad
Sometimes I forget why I love America. Sometimes I forget all that fancy freedom talk and democracy speak and just need to get to the roots of why I’m so darn proud of living here.
In my musings, I’ve found … Read More
Great Moments in Super Bowl History
In honor of Super Bowl XXXIX, we recap some of the great moments in Super Bowl history as best we can remember.
1966–The Just-OK Bowl is deemed uninspired and boring when the Scranton Haymakers beat the A-1 Hardware Wildcats in … Read More
