Fact: James Bond had sex. With women. A lot.
Fact: Women are responsible for babies.
It’s no secret that James Bond’s stealthy penis found its way into the cavities of many a femme fatale, but what isn’t not a secret … Read More
Tag Archives: feature
Lincoln/Kennedy Coincidences
Much has been written about the eerie parallels between Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. But overlooked are the even-more-eerie parallels between Lincoln, Kennedy, and former Oakland Raiders offensive tackle Lincoln Kennedy. Check it out.
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Lincoln was elected president in
Hey, Rhino
The Poker Game
Zack: In your face, Zookeeper Jackson!
Zookeeper Jackson: Crap. Well, here’s the deed to my zoo. And the keys to my giraffe.
Zack: Uh, the key goes where, exactly?
Former Zookeeper Jackson: In the keyhole.
Zack: Right, … Read More
Hilary Duff vs. Lindsay Lohan: An Objective Look
America is more polarized than ever before, and no issue is more divisive than the Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan feud. Therefore, it is imperative to take an impartial look at the issues so fans can decide for themselves who deserves superstardom … Read More
Words from the Top
An Above Average Guy
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty good at receiving blowjobs. I mean that in the sense that if we were both getting blowjobs, I’d not only win, I’d embarrass you in the process. I’ve always had special talents … Read More
Sports for the Deadbeat Dad
Studies have shown and sitcoms agree that the most important thing a father can do is pressure his children to play sports. But what if you don’t have time for that shit?
72% GAA forging McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces
21% … Read More
A Parent’s Guide to Your Daughter’s Future
A growing problem among young girls in the U.S. is their tendency to set low goals for themselves. The seeds of underachievement can take root in little girls as young as three or four and can often be seen in … Read More
The Seminal Works of Dr. Seuss
Most people think of Dr. Seuss as the lovable children’s author. Because of this, we’ve put together a collection of his most famous works and annotated them with informative notes writen by scholars named me. Also included in this exclusive … Read More
Squelch Endorsements of the Future
After watching the fallout of the 2004 election, the _Squelch editorial staff realized that the opinions of the California voters just don’t matter. So, in the spirit of meaningless political dribble, here are the Squelch‘s endorsements for state referenda … Read More
From the Desk of Michael Spaden III
Dear Heirs and Heiresses,
Thank you for coming to the reading of my will. My lawyer, Bill Edmonds, will be conducting the reading, and is legally obliged to read every word. Since I never liked Bill: shitsucker! I, Bill Edmonds, … Read More
