When Herman Garvey rented a pornographic video recently, he got more than he bargained for. Seventeen minutes into the movie, clearly fornicating with a water-cooler delivery man, was his own daughter, Stephanie Garvey, 20. Needless … Read More
Five Hours
Student 1: Man, five hours slaving away with chemicals, test tubes and bunsen burners – I’m exhausted.
Student 2: Sounds tiring. Your O-Chem lab must be tough.
Student 1: O-Chem lab? No, I was… Read More
When I was little I wanted to be a princess, so that I could have the power to command anything I wished. The life of a princess as I imagined it was great: all the ponies and butter pecan… Read More
MERLIN: Oh, you did know already. Right. Well, it will be a privilege to speak with you
HS: Good morning Merlin. It’s truly a privilege to speak with you here today. Your ability to predict the future is … Read More
The recent announcement from U.S. Health an Human Services Secretary Tommy “Tommy” Thompson that fetuses may be classified as “unborn children” has led to a wave of similar reclassifications throughout the administration. Thompson announced this week that elderly citizens … Read More
Lisa Carter, a sophomore at Cal who considered herself “a real glitter grrrl,” was shocked to discover last week that “faeries don’t exist.” The fact was brought to her attention by new boyfriend and self-proclaimed… Read More
Berkeley’s Zeke Tyler, 22, is about to do the unthinkable: “I’m giving up not having sex for Lent,” Tyler declared Monday to a shocked gathering of friends. “Sex. For forty days and forty nights.”
Friends remain skeptical that the … Read More
For those of you nestled snugly in your spacious dormitory rooms with nary another person within three feet of you, food practically dropped on your doorstep, and plentiful free contraceptives and dirty sex talk from your Health Worker, the prospect … Read More
Monologue Performed by Zack Fornaca
_[Zack walks up to counter] _
Zack: Hi. Rape me?
Cashier: One iced coffee coming up. To go?
Zack: Yeah, and absolutely no lube, … Read More
Yes indeedy, circle of girls surrounding my desk, it appears that you have all outscored me on our Math 1B midterm. Some of you are laughing about your too-high score with (also-female) friends, while others of … Read More
