Ex-“Glitter Grrrl” No Longer Believes in Faeries

Lisa Carter, a sophomore at Cal who considered herself “a real glitter grrrl,” was shocked to discover last week that “faeries don’t exist.” The fact was brought to her attention by new boyfriend and self-proclaimed realist Jay Tarmac. Tarmac had made it clear to Carter that “faeries aren’t real” and that he “sure as fuck [was] not going to go out with some stupid faerie-chick.”

Recognizing his authority as “a really cute guy,” Carter conceded that she had been “living a big, shiny lie.” Carter, who used to dress up every day in fake wings made of pink nylon and wire that she bought on Telegraph Avenue, lamented her foolish past. “I thought they [my faerie wings] were SO cool. Now they’re, like, shit, or something. Yeah, like nylon shit. Like shit that you’d squeeze through nylon. That’s what Jay said, anyway.” These days Carter will only wear wings if they are black, a symbol of rebellion against glitter grrrls who “still believe in that shit.”

“I’m hardcore now,” Carter declared emphatically. “And I’m so lucky to have Jay. He’s helped me discover who I really am, and what I really think.” At Tarmac’s behest, Carter has also renounced her belief in unicorns, rainbows, and butterflies.