Nomenclature Fever Seizes Washington

The recent announcement from U.S. Health an Human Services Secretary Tommy “Tommy” Thompson that fetuses may be classified as “unborn children” has led to a wave of similar reclassifications throughout the administration. Thompson announced this week that elderly citizens will now be referred to as “undead corpses” in an effort to extend to poor wives the benefits heretofore only enjoyed by widows.

Other federal bodies have followed suit. The Food an Drug Administration now classifies all U.S. food products as “unpooped poop,” and Attorney General John Ashcroft has amended Justice Department literature to refer to all black males aged 18-25 as “unincarcerated felons.”

Far from being a strictly executive phenomenon, the updated naming system has also found its place in the senate, with Majority Leader Tom Daschle now referring to George W. Bush as “The Undeposed Former President.”