Chemistry 3A:

Organic Chemistry, If It Were Run By The de-Cal Program

Five Hours

Student 1: Man, five hours slaving away with chemicals, test tubes and bunsen burners – I’m exhausted.
Student 2: Sounds tiring. Your O-Chem lab must be tough.
Student 1: O-Chem lab? No, I was making a gay porno film in Latimer.

The Quiz

Student 1: That was a difficult quiz today.
Student 2: I agree. I had trouble keeping the acid-base pairs straight. What was the hardest part for you?
Student 1: I’m not sure. It might have been figuring out the molecular weights of the compounds.
Student 2: That was tough.
Student 1: Still, I’d have to say the toughest part was staying focused after those two girls started going at it under the emergency eyewash shower.
Student 2: That was pretty tough, too.

The Journal

Student 1 (reading from journal): “…then, I went back to the 0.1M HCl. Again and again. Relentlessly, I splashed it around the beaker. Finally, exhausted, I returned to my lab group and we continued to experiment.”
GSI: That’s great, but…you were supposed to keep a masturbation journal, not a titration journal.
Student 1: Oh. That explains why they handed out all that lube after lecture on Wednesday.
GSI: Right.

Office Hours

Student 1: I had a question about the last lab assignment we had.
GSI: Sure, go ahead.
Student 1: I understand why we tested the water samples for harmful chemicals, but I don’t understand why I need to include a photograph of my genitals along with my writeup.
GSI: Let me ask you something: Are you planning to apply to medical school?
Student 1: Yes.
GSI: And do you actually believe that your application will be judged based on your transcript? Your essay? C’mon, get real.
Student 1: I don’t understand…
GSI: Hey, maybe you can get into UCSF or Cornell with just a head shot, but the big boys like Johns Hopkins require a little something extra.
Student 1: I…I hadn’t realized that…
GSI: By the way, trimming your pubic hair will make your cock look bigger. Trust me.

The All-Nighter

Student 1: I’m so tired. I had to pull an all-nighter for Chem 3A.
Student 3: I hear that, dude! On and on until the break of dawn! (attempts a high five)
Student 1: No, I was studying stoichiometry for nearly eight hours. This part is really hard.
Student 3: Yeah, I bet that part was hard! (attempts another high five)
Student 1: I don’t think you understand. I was just reading and doing equations.
Student 3: I bet you were doing some equations…doing them doggy style!
Student 1: Look, there’s a lot of work in this class! I’d appreciate it if you’d be respectful about my academic work and not act so juvenile!
Student 3: OK, I’m sorry. I guess I had the wrong impression. I apologize.
Student 1: No problem. By the way, can I borrow your ball gag and leather mask?
Student 3: Sure, no problem.