Squelch Monologue Corner

Why the Wall is dead.

Monologue Performed by Zack Fornaca

_[Zack walks up to counter] _
Zack: Hi. Rape me?
Cashier: One iced coffee coming up. To go?
Zack: Yeah, and absolutely no lube, OK?
Cashier: That’ll be $1.85.
Zack: Thanks so much.

I don’t like Wall Berlin.

Zack’s handy iced coffee to go comparison price guide:
Cafe Milano: $1.00
C’est Cafe: $1.00
Cafe Mediterranean: $1.00
Hypothetical Coffee Palace, where the coffee is served with a ring of cocaine around the lip, and the doorknob you turn to get in is an actual woman’s actual breast, and you can open and shut the door as much as you want: $1.25, $1.50 tops.
Wall Berlin: $1.85
Cafe Strada: $1.00

Why I don’t take advice

Monologue Performed by Allen Haim

“On the one hand,” she said, “maybe she’s playing hard-to-get. But on the other hand, maybe she just doesn’t realize you’re interested. Then again, on the other hand, maybe she likes locks more than keys. Or, maybe, on the other hand, she has a long-distance boyfriend in Virginia, no wait, on the other hand, maybe it’s Germany. Hmm, but on the other hand, maybe she’s just not interested. No, on the other hand, make that slighly repulsed. Umm, positively disgusted. On the other hand.” “Thanks for nothing,” I replied.

I knew I shouldn’t have gotten love advice from an octopus.