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Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Volume 13- Issue 5

Road to Heterosexuality

March 1, 2004
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Many “credited” scientists have “tried” to tell people that sexuality is created through a mix of genetics and conditioning. But scientists are stupid. If there were no scientists I wouldn’t’ve had to put up with my idiot big brother, because he would’ve died of polio at the age of five.

Through my own research I have discovered that the process of sexuality is a constantly developing entity that is more or less finalized by the end of high school. This process can be accounted for using an underdeveloped “point scale theory” of my own creation. Because I ended up on the hetero end of things, I’m assigning that one positive values. Thems the breaks.

1982

Nurse mistakenly dresses me in pink singlet instead of blue.

-5 points

1984

Breast feeding and more breast feeding.

+15 points

1987

“Santa” mistakenly delivers little T.J. Mattel’s “Kid Sister” instead of “My Buddy.”

-10 points

1988 (6th birthday)

Parents continue purchasing “Kid Sister” accessories.

-5 points

1989

Received Nintendo game console, forced by older brother to play as Luigi.

-5 points

1989

Don’t have anal sex with another man.

+10 points

1990

Weekend with “crazy” Uncle Donny (memory suppressed).

probably -5 points, maybe -50

1990

Badly burned in a vicious game of being “liked” but not “like liked.”

-5 points

1992

Picked first for dodgeball, but only because other kids try and miss me so I won’t cry.

-5 points

1992

Boy Scouts. I learn about knots and fires.

+10 points

1992

Boy Scouts. I also learn about polyester shorts worn with a cloth belt.

-5 points

1993

Early exposure to pornography via Playboy magazine, thanks to Big Bro.

+15 points (usually +30, but read articles)

1994

Peanut butter-on-balls trick found to be much more pleasurable with female dog.

+10 points

1995

First sexual experience interrupted by parents wielding pots and pans with shouts of “No, TJ, no!”

-5 points

1996 & 1997

Find yearly high school hernia test slightly arousing. This wouldn’t be too bad, but I also find scoliosis test and math test arousing.

-10 points

1998

Coach gives slap on the ass after practice. Regardless, we still lose the Math-lympics competition.

-5 points

1999

Find myself singing along to song lyrics “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world.”

-5 points

2000 (prom)

Thanks to a plus-sized date and her crippling self-esteem issues, virginity is finally released into the wild.

+40 POINTS! YES!

2001

Prom date turns lesbian.

Either +20 or -20 points

200

High-five some dude at a sporting and/or gambling event.

+5 points

Total score: Hm, I guess I need to talk to my psychiatrist about Uncle Donny. Still, I’m not gay.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Kucinich Delegates Pile into Chevy Astrovan

March 1, 2004
,

As the race for the Democratic presidential nomination nears its end, frontrunner John Kerry continues to vie for the largest percentage of voting delegates come August. Not to be outdone, however, is Dennis Kucinich, who treated all of his eight delegates to a hearty Hometown Buffet breakfast after ferrying them around in his “campaign headquarters” – a used 1989 Chevy Astrovan sporting a “99.9 El Musico Nuevo” bumper sticker.

With 8 delegates firmly behind him, Kucinich is only 2,156 short of the Democratic nomination. In the lead is Kerry, with 1,362 delegates pledging support. The elven Kucinich shows little concern for those numbers.

“Hey guys, got enough room back there?” he asked all of his supporters. Gladys Johnson-Avery of Honolulu was the sole negative respondent, complaining that fellow delegate Abram Fortis was kicking the back of her seat. Kucinich threatened a lack of waffles if the behavior was not ceased, and all was well again. Later, Johnson-Avery claimed the title of “Best Delegate” by finding something starting with the letter “z” on I-80.

In related news, a new poll shows Dennis Kucinich winning by a landslide in the National Berkeley Election, though no such thing exists. “Aww,” said local resident Anne Gardiner. “But I like to vote.”

Volume 13- Issue 5

Bookstore Charged with Obscenity

March 1, 2004
,

Citing hundreds of complaints since the start of the school year, Berkeley police filed formal obscenity charges over the weekend against prominent student bookstore Ned’s.

“I’ve been getting my books at Ned’s since I was a freshman, and I say go get ’em,” remarked senior Chris Lopez. “This copy of The Story of O cost me 27 bucks GAA used! It’s obscene!”

This is not Ned’s first brush with the law. In 1999, the store was indicted on several hundred counts of highway robbery. The charges were dropped when Ned’s struck a plea bargain stipulating that it would include a handsome bookmark with every purchase.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Berdahl Announces New Classroom Renovation Plans

March 1, 2004
,

With only weeks remaining in his term, Chancellor Berdahl has announced new renovation plans in a desperate attempt to leave some sort of mark on the campus. Mulford Hall will be renovated and renamed “Berdahl Hall,” as well as moved somewhere on campus that students will actually see. The MLK Student Union will get a couch and will be renamed “The Martin Luther King Jr. and Robert Berdahl Student Union.”

“This is a major part of my vision to better the campus,” said Berdahl. “Besides, I have to accomplish something so the kids stop referring to me as Jowly Jowhlson.”

ASUC Senator Misha Leybovich voiced his opposition to the plans, and threatened that if Berdahl does not halt the renovation, he will organize a petition or hold a textbook exchange or something equally effective.

“I want at least a four-page spread in the Daily Cal when I die,” said Jowhlson. “It had better be more than the two pages that fucker Chang-Lin Tien got.”

Students then paused and fondly remembered Chancellor Tien.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Seven Episodes of the FCC

March 1, 2004
,

Episode One

Secretary: Mr. Powell?
FCC Chairman Michael Powell: Yes?
Secretary: Your father’s on the line.
Powell: And?
Secretary: He doesn’t love you.

Episode Two

Secretary: Mr. Powell?
Powell: Yes?
Secretary: I’m pregnant.
Powell: You told me you were on the piGAA
Secretary: By your father.

Episode Three

Complainant: Look, I’m telling you that my neighbors are sending pornographic material over the airwaves! They need to be fined.
FCC Controller: Sir, ogling your daughter while she sunbathes does not involve the airwaves.
Complainant: ButGAA
Controller: I’d strongly suggest that you just advise her to find a more discreet location.
Complainant: But then I’d have to reinstall the webcam.

Episode Four

Commissioner Abernathy: So, what’s your finding?
Counsel: Sir, we find the particular instance under question to not meet the criteria for obscenity.
Chairman Powell: So you don’t think it appeals to the prurient interests of the average American?
Counsel: No sir, we think that it does.
Commissioner Adelstein: And you don’t think it depicts, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct as defined by our guidelines?
Counsel: No ma’am. It depicts that for sure.
Commissioner Martin: So, what then?
Counsel: It is our opinion that the videos of Chairman Powell having sexual relations with a donkey carry with them significant political and scientific value.
Commissioner Kopps: He’s got a point, Mike.

Episode Five

Ham Radio Operator: Stupid cunt.
FCC Controller: Hm, did anyone else hear that?
Stupid Cunt: I heard it.
FCC Controller: All right, I’m taking you in.

Episode Six

Network Executive: Look, all we want is to show two pair of tits each season.
FCC Controller: Wait wait, is that two tits or two pair of tits?
Exec: Two pair.
Controller: So I’m hearing four tits total. Four tits?
Exec: Four tits.
Controller: Says here you already filled your tit quota last Thursday.
Exec: Last Thursday?
Controller: With Cancer: The Tragedy and Its Survivors.
Exec: Fucking Ad Council.

Episode Seven

Colin Powell: Son?
Michael Powell: Yeah?
Colin Powell: I hate you son.
Michael Powell: ButGAA
Colin Powell: Your mother and I both hate you.
Michael Powell: Why did you get my secretary pregGAA
Colin Powell: So the child will hate you.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Tech Support Through History

March 1, 2004
,

Caveman Times

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support. What can I do for you?
Caveman: I’ve got some problems with the sticks.
T.S.: Like what? Did you remember to break the stick off the tree first? Are you holding a branch?
Caveman: It’s not swinging. I don’t know what the problem is. I’m just hanging here in this tree with my free arm.
T.S.: I told you. You’re holding a branch. I’ll connect you to the branch people.

Middle Ages

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support.
Cleric: Alright. So, with the witches. When she floats she’s normal, but when she sinks she’s a witch, right?
T.S.: Let me check. [shuffles papers] Nope, you’ve got it backwards.
Cleric: Oh. Well, okay, how about this? If we bring her back up and prop her up on some kind of raft, where she says some Satanic chant from beyond the grave, and then she floats? She’s a witch then, right?
T.S.: A raft? Let me check [frantic typing noises]. Yeah, I don’t think so.
Cleric: Well, do you know a number for a flowers place? I should probably send something to…someone.

French Revolution

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support, what can I help you with?
Bourgeoisie: Hi, um, yes, it’s me, a member of the, uh, bourgeoisie, and I’m having [giggles] problems getting service here in the, uh [snicker], the Bastille. [muffled laughter]
T.S.: Sounds clear to me. What’s the problem?
Bourgeoisie: See, it’s [clears throat], well, the problem is GAA
T.S.: [interrupts] Robespierre? Is that you?
Robespierre: How’d you know it was me?! I was just pranking you. All those assholes are dead. Want to go out for margaritas later? I know a great place.

1800s America

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support, what can I do for you?
Alexander Graham Bell: See? It works.
T.S.: You’ve done this several times, Mr. Bell.
AGB: Mr. Clear-as-a-bell, that is!
T.S.: [sighs] Yes.
AGB: [pause] So how’s it going?

Future Time

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support.
Bill: I’m having some problems with the hover feature of my space car.
T.S.: Have you checked the sparkplugs?
Bill: Oh wait, my silver space suit was stuck in the space door. Now it’s fine.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Top Ten Reasons to Have Sex with Berkeley Hobos

March 1, 2004
  1. You’re just coming to grips with your hobosexuality
  2. You’re protesting clean, safe sex with attractive people
  3. You’re a member of CalPIRG
  4. He said he was a doctor and he swore he’d call you sometime
  5. You’re from Stanford, and it’s better than what you’ve got over there
  6. They don’t have very many teeth, mostly
  7. You’re conducting an experiment to see if insanity can be transmitted through dirty rough sex
  8. Really, are you having sex with anybody else
  9. When the revolution comes, they won’t kill you
  10. It’s cheaper than throwing change at them
Volume 13- Issue 5

Famous Actor Vanishes

March 1, 2004
,

Several witnesses claim that formerly ubiquitous child actor Haley Joel Osment disappeared into a thick haze that settled down around his West Los Angeles home on Wednesday. While eyewitness accounts are still unclear, some speculate that this reported haze was, in actuality, what experts refer to as a “cloud of obscurity.”

“The cloud of obscurity is a random meteorological event which envelops celebrities from time to time,” explains Dr. James Wooten, a professor of celebrity-related weather events at CSU Hayward. “It whisks these celebrities to an alternate dimension, where people still notice their existence.”

Actor Donnie Wahlberg, who co-starred with Osment in the 1999 blockbuster The Sixth Sense, claims to know differently about his colleague’s whereabouts. “He didn’t disappear,” Wahlberg said. “He totally knocked up that Hallie Kate Eisenberg chick and moved out to Northridge with her last December.”

Volume 13- Issue 5

Top Ten Most Unlikely “Bush in 2004” Campaign Slogans

March 1, 2004
  1. Elect him again, for the first time
  2. Now more than ever, horses in midstream like Ike
  3. Continue remembering September 11th
  4. And this time, we won’t need Jesus!
  5. Eight amendments down, 19 to go
  6. Play it again, Scalia
  7. This may be your last chance to vote for him
  8. Watch out, Syria!
  9. OBEY
  10. For real this time