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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 13- Issue 5

An Open Letter to My Fellow Americans

From: President Gore

March 1, 2004
,

Four years ago I defeated Republican candidate Bush in a hard-fought contest of my imagination. A battle that sharply divided America was decided only when thousands of uncounted “me” votes magically appeared in a warehouse in Pahokee, Florida. Since then I have worked hard to dream up initiatives and policies to unite America, should I have actually been elected. And now, with the 2004 campaign upon us, I am proud to announce that the Imaginary Citizens for Gore 2004 campaign is gearing up for another battle for America.

I stand by my actions against foreign terrorism. On September 11th, terrorists nearly wounded this nation, halted only by my daring midair parachute into that fateful airliner, wrenching the controls away from the terrorists and missing the World Trade Center with only seconds to spare. I fault myself for letting that plane in the air in the first place. I took too long in the Boston airport, taking out 19 terrorists using only my briefcase and slow motion John Woo-style moves. If I hadn’t stopped to stylishly put on my sunglasses, trenchcoat flapping in the wind, I would’ve jetpacked to New York in time.

Over the past four years I have successfully overcome every adversity that has faced this nation. When the nation was wracked by controversy over Tipper’s breast implants, I carefully tied traditional feminism to modern female sexual empowerment. When the Times uncovered my underground torture chamber, I graciously let Mr. Nader go free. And to those who claim that the adversities facing my imaginary nation bear a close resemblance to last weekend’s West Wing, I say, “That is just a coincidence.”

My restructuring of Medicare and Social Security balanced the budget and earned me the universal applause of a grateful nation, as well as honorary citizenship in many of the world’s nations. But in my next imaginary term I will do more. The Democrats scored convincing victories in the midterm elections, taking every seat in Texas and, in many cases, driving Republicans into foreign exile. The remaining Republican leadership has been depleted by my fantasy hunting trips, where the only names are Hunter and Prey (R).

This leaves us free to accomplish so much more in a made-up second term. I can oversee the rebuilding of our education system, handle Canada’s pleading application to join the US, and take out South American drug lords in a Tom Clancy-style marine mission, led by me. And I will fantasize a way to take out Saddam in a way so much better then Bush is actually doing.

America, polls show that you support me. All of you. And it’s true that my opponent, Jeb Bush, will soon turn out to be a closet pedophile who gives rimjobs to Katherine Harris. But I want to be pretend-supported for my virtues, not my enemies’ made-up faults. I want to earn your vote. Join me, and we will remake America, all within my own head.

Sincerely,

President Albert Gore
Order of the Garter
Legionne D’Honneur
Secretly 008, Superspy

Volume 13- Issue 5

Tech Support Through History

March 1, 2004
,

Caveman Times

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support. What can I do for you?
Caveman: I’ve got some problems with the sticks.
T.S.: Like what? Did you remember to break the stick off the tree first? Are you holding a branch?
Caveman: It’s not swinging. I don’t know what the problem is. I’m just hanging here in this tree with my free arm.
T.S.: I told you. You’re holding a branch. I’ll connect you to the branch people.

Middle Ages

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support.
Cleric: Alright. So, with the witches. When she floats she’s normal, but when she sinks she’s a witch, right?
T.S.: Let me check. [shuffles papers] Nope, you’ve got it backwards.
Cleric: Oh. Well, okay, how about this? If we bring her back up and prop her up on some kind of raft, where she says some Satanic chant from beyond the grave, and then she floats? She’s a witch then, right?
T.S.: A raft? Let me check [frantic typing noises]. Yeah, I don’t think so.
Cleric: Well, do you know a number for a flowers place? I should probably send something to…someone.

French Revolution

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support, what can I help you with?
Bourgeoisie: Hi, um, yes, it’s me, a member of the, uh, bourgeoisie, and I’m having [giggles] problems getting service here in the, uh [snicker], the Bastille. [muffled laughter]
T.S.: Sounds clear to me. What’s the problem?
Bourgeoisie: See, it’s [clears throat], well, the problem is GAA
T.S.: [interrupts] Robespierre? Is that you?
Robespierre: How’d you know it was me?! I was just pranking you. All those assholes are dead. Want to go out for margaritas later? I know a great place.

1800s America

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support, what can I do for you?
Alexander Graham Bell: See? It works.
T.S.: You’ve done this several times, Mr. Bell.
AGB: Mr. Clear-as-a-bell, that is!
T.S.: [sighs] Yes.
AGB: [pause] So how’s it going?

Future Time

[Ring ring]
T.S.: Tech support.
Bill: I’m having some problems with the hover feature of my space car.
T.S.: Have you checked the sparkplugs?
Bill: Oh wait, my silver space suit was stuck in the space door. Now it’s fine.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Road to Heterosexuality

March 1, 2004
,

Many “credited” scientists have “tried” to tell people that sexuality is created through a mix of genetics and conditioning. But scientists are stupid. If there were no scientists I wouldn’t’ve had to put up with my idiot big brother, because he would’ve died of polio at the age of five.

Through my own research I have discovered that the process of sexuality is a constantly developing entity that is more or less finalized by the end of high school. This process can be accounted for using an underdeveloped “point scale theory” of my own creation. Because I ended up on the hetero end of things, I’m assigning that one positive values. Thems the breaks.

1982

Nurse mistakenly dresses me in pink singlet instead of blue.

-5 points

1984

Breast feeding and more breast feeding.

+15 points

1987

“Santa” mistakenly delivers little T.J. Mattel’s “Kid Sister” instead of “My Buddy.”

-10 points

1988 (6th birthday)

Parents continue purchasing “Kid Sister” accessories.

-5 points

1989

Received Nintendo game console, forced by older brother to play as Luigi.

-5 points

1989

Don’t have anal sex with another man.

+10 points

1990

Weekend with “crazy” Uncle Donny (memory suppressed).

probably -5 points, maybe -50

1990

Badly burned in a vicious game of being “liked” but not “like liked.”

-5 points

1992

Picked first for dodgeball, but only because other kids try and miss me so I won’t cry.

-5 points

1992

Boy Scouts. I learn about knots and fires.

+10 points

1992

Boy Scouts. I also learn about polyester shorts worn with a cloth belt.

-5 points

1993

Early exposure to pornography via Playboy magazine, thanks to Big Bro.

+15 points (usually +30, but read articles)

1994

Peanut butter-on-balls trick found to be much more pleasurable with female dog.

+10 points

1995

First sexual experience interrupted by parents wielding pots and pans with shouts of “No, TJ, no!”

-5 points

1996 & 1997

Find yearly high school hernia test slightly arousing. This wouldn’t be too bad, but I also find scoliosis test and math test arousing.

-10 points

1998

Coach gives slap on the ass after practice. Regardless, we still lose the Math-lympics competition.

-5 points

1999

Find myself singing along to song lyrics “I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world.”

-5 points

2000 (prom)

Thanks to a plus-sized date and her crippling self-esteem issues, virginity is finally released into the wild.

+40 POINTS! YES!

2001

Prom date turns lesbian.

Either +20 or -20 points

200

High-five some dude at a sporting and/or gambling event.

+5 points

Total score: Hm, I guess I need to talk to my psychiatrist about Uncle Donny. Still, I’m not gay.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Seven Episodes of the FCC

March 1, 2004
,

Episode One

Secretary: Mr. Powell?
FCC Chairman Michael Powell: Yes?
Secretary: Your father’s on the line.
Powell: And?
Secretary: He doesn’t love you.

Episode Two

Secretary: Mr. Powell?
Powell: Yes?
Secretary: I’m pregnant.
Powell: You told me you were on the piGAA
Secretary: By your father.

Episode Three

Complainant: Look, I’m telling you that my neighbors are sending pornographic material over the airwaves! They need to be fined.
FCC Controller: Sir, ogling your daughter while she sunbathes does not involve the airwaves.
Complainant: ButGAA
Controller: I’d strongly suggest that you just advise her to find a more discreet location.
Complainant: But then I’d have to reinstall the webcam.

Episode Four

Commissioner Abernathy: So, what’s your finding?
Counsel: Sir, we find the particular instance under question to not meet the criteria for obscenity.
Chairman Powell: So you don’t think it appeals to the prurient interests of the average American?
Counsel: No sir, we think that it does.
Commissioner Adelstein: And you don’t think it depicts, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct as defined by our guidelines?
Counsel: No ma’am. It depicts that for sure.
Commissioner Martin: So, what then?
Counsel: It is our opinion that the videos of Chairman Powell having sexual relations with a donkey carry with them significant political and scientific value.
Commissioner Kopps: He’s got a point, Mike.

Episode Five

Ham Radio Operator: Stupid cunt.
FCC Controller: Hm, did anyone else hear that?
Stupid Cunt: I heard it.
FCC Controller: All right, I’m taking you in.

Episode Six

Network Executive: Look, all we want is to show two pair of tits each season.
FCC Controller: Wait wait, is that two tits or two pair of tits?
Exec: Two pair.
Controller: So I’m hearing four tits total. Four tits?
Exec: Four tits.
Controller: Says here you already filled your tit quota last Thursday.
Exec: Last Thursday?
Controller: With Cancer: The Tragedy and Its Survivors.
Exec: Fucking Ad Council.

Episode Seven

Colin Powell: Son?
Michael Powell: Yeah?
Colin Powell: I hate you son.
Michael Powell: ButGAA
Colin Powell: Your mother and I both hate you.
Michael Powell: Why did you get my secretary pregGAA
Colin Powell: So the child will hate you.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Top Ten Most Unlikely “Bush in 2004” Campaign Slogans

March 1, 2004
  1. Elect him again, for the first time
  2. Now more than ever, horses in midstream like Ike
  3. Continue remembering September 11th
  4. And this time, we won’t need Jesus!
  5. Eight amendments down, 19 to go
  6. Play it again, Scalia
  7. This may be your last chance to vote for him
  8. Watch out, Syria!
  9. OBEY
  10. For real this time
Volume 13- Issue 5

Berdahl Announces New Classroom Renovation Plans

March 1, 2004
,

With only weeks remaining in his term, Chancellor Berdahl has announced new renovation plans in a desperate attempt to leave some sort of mark on the campus. Mulford Hall will be renovated and renamed “Berdahl Hall,” as well as moved somewhere on campus that students will actually see. The MLK Student Union will get a couch and will be renamed “The Martin Luther King Jr. and Robert Berdahl Student Union.”

“This is a major part of my vision to better the campus,” said Berdahl. “Besides, I have to accomplish something so the kids stop referring to me as Jowly Jowhlson.”

ASUC Senator Misha Leybovich voiced his opposition to the plans, and threatened that if Berdahl does not halt the renovation, he will organize a petition or hold a textbook exchange or something equally effective.

“I want at least a four-page spread in the Daily Cal when I die,” said Jowhlson. “It had better be more than the two pages that fucker Chang-Lin Tien got.”

Students then paused and fondly remembered Chancellor Tien.

Volume 13- Issue 5

Top Ten Reasons to Have Sex with Berkeley Hobos

March 1, 2004
  1. You’re just coming to grips with your hobosexuality
  2. You’re protesting clean, safe sex with attractive people
  3. You’re a member of CalPIRG
  4. He said he was a doctor and he swore he’d call you sometime
  5. You’re from Stanford, and it’s better than what you’ve got over there
  6. They don’t have very many teeth, mostly
  7. You’re conducting an experiment to see if insanity can be transmitted through dirty rough sex
  8. Really, are you having sex with anybody else
  9. When the revolution comes, they won’t kill you
  10. It’s cheaper than throwing change at them
Volume 13- Issue 5

Mel Gibson Probably Anti-Semitic

March 1, 2004
,

With the success of his latest hit, The Passion of the Christ, Mel Gibson is already working on a new religious thriller entitled Jews Murdered Jesus.

“While The Passion was quite an undertaking, I still feel like I need to drive home the point with this new movie that Jews really did murder Jesus,” Gibson said.

The plot of the new movie is to be based around how the Jewish people “totally sold out Jesus” to the Romans, with much more emphasis on “the selling out” part than was shown in The Passion. This comes to the amazement of many Jewish groups who already feel uncomfortable with the hints of anti-Semitism in Gibson’s current film.

“I’m not anti-Semitic or anything. I mean seriously, I work in showbiz! Most of the movies I’ve been in have been produced and paid for by those backstabbers.”

“Plus, I once played Shylock back in high school!” Gibson added.

Volume 13- Issue 5

I’m an Asshole and I Have a Time Machine

March 1, 2004
,

Yeah, that’s right: I’m a jerk. That’s why I hired a scientist to build me a time machine. What? That doesn’t make sense? Well neither does your face. Two points!

So now that I have the powers of the universe at my control, first things first: I’ve gotta lay some pipe to that Hilary Duff chick. I know she’s 16, but that’s nothing a little time machining can’t solve…

LOS ANGELES, 2001 A.D.

Hilary Duff: But I’m only thirteen!
Me: Just shut up and drink this.
Hilary Duff: What’s in it?
Me: Gamma hydroxy butyrate.
Hilary Duff: But what’sGAA
Me: Pixie magic.

My second mission was going to be something about preventing the Holocaust or some devastating war, but then I remembered how much I hate whiny vegetarians. I decided to show them what’s up.

PANGAEA, 65,000,000 B.C.

Some Scientist: Look, that’s a Tyrannosaurus Rex! It’s been extinct for millions of years and is one of the most feared creatures ever.
Me: Yeah, let’s eat it.
Scientist: Mmm, tastes like it will eventually evolve into chicken.

MAURITIUS ISLAND, 1582 A.D.

Some Scientist: Look, that’s a dodo bird! It’s a symbol of the West’s voracious expansion and imperialism and its effect upon nature’s fragile balance.
Me: Yeah, let’s eat it. Ooh, and after that, we can throw rocks at the peaceful natives!
Scientist: Are you kidding me?
Me: Good thinking. We’ll throw dodo eggs.

NEW YORK, 2460 A.D.

Some Scientist: Look, it’s the last living cow, driven into near-extinction by mankind’s destructive ways.
Me: Yeah, let’s eat it.
Michael J. Fox: [Shakes a lot]
Me: Sure I’m going to gamble, Marty…gamble that this is delicious!

That was cool, but I still get annoyed by stupid feminists. Let’s nip that in the bud.

SENECA FALLS, NEW YORK, 1848 A.D.

Susan B. Anthony: So it’s agreed GAA equal pay for equal work.
Me: Hey ladies, I brought along a friend of mine. Say hello to Ike Turner!
Ike Turner: [Rolls up sleeve]

Ironically, he was beating her with a sack of her own dollars. So now that I’ve made the world a better place, it’s time to do something for me.

BERKELEY, 2005 A.D.

Me: Hey, future me, now that you’re 21, give me your ID so I can get into bars in the past.
Future Me: That’s a great idea! I’ll get so drunk…retroactively.
Some Scientist: Umm, that won’t work. You see, the birth date stays the same; it’s the passage of time that makes you 21. Even if you take the ID back, you’ll still be 20 in the year 2004.
Me: I don’t get it.
Future Me: Me neither.
Scientist: What’s not to get? You’re both idiots!
Me: Well, then, why did I go two minutes back in time to kick you in the balls?
Scientist: I don’t remember GAA
[Scientist doubles over in pain]
Scientist: Walked right into that one.

Man, that was gayer than Freddie Mercury having sex with a bag of rainbows. And not gay in that ancient Greek way; I found out about that when I went looking for what should have been the most awesome place ever.

ISLE OF LESBOS, GREECE, 230 B.C.

Me: This isn’t at all what I had pictured.

So all in all, time traveling is pretty dumb. Unless you’re a big history dork, in which case I’ll go back in time and have sex with your mom. No son of mine’s gonna be a nerd. Go play baseball with these dodo eggs!