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Squelch M.D.
Volume 14- Issue 1

The Three Investigators and the Adventure of the Dead Pope

August 1, 2004
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Jupiter, Pete, and Bob were walking down a busy city street.

“It sure is great to be here visiting scenic Rome,” said Pete breezily, as the three entered the heart of the Vatican. “And it’s great that your grand-uncle got us tickets to see the Pope.”

Bob’s grand-uncle was a famous Cardinal, which is a special helper for the Pope. The Pope is the head of the Roman Catholic Church, directly appointed by God to be in charge of everything.

As the three entered the Basilica, Pete noticed something was amiss. “The Pope is dead!” he said noisily. The Pope was lying on the floor in front of his Pope Throne, covered in his own blood.

“He’s not dead,” said Jupe wisely. “He’s been murdered.”

Just then, Cardinal Thompson came in. “Oh no!” he said nervously. “The Pope has been killed! And he was just about to sign an important treaty with the Protestants!”

“Do you have any idea who did it?” asked Jupe carefully. “Well, John Mormon, Michael Goldsteinlevi, and Redrum Hindoo were visiting earlier. I was just showing them the Vatican Gun Collection, then left them alone in different rooms.”

“Did all of them have reason to hate the Pope?” asked Jupe craftily.

“Yes,” said Cardinal Thompson. “Now boys, I don’t want you to get involved in this,” the Cardinal continued. “It’s far too dangerous for three young boys between the ages of 6 and 11 to get involved in.”

“Don’t worry…we won’t,” said Jupe with his eyes twinkling mysteriously and determinedly.

Outside, Bob and Peter cornered Jupe. The svelte solver had already tugged on his mystery hat and taken out his magnifying glass.

“The Pope murdered! This sounds like a mystery!” Pete and Bob said excitedly. “We have to find out who did it.”

“You know that bumbling Uncle Thompson won’t be able to solve this one without our help,” said Bob interjectingly. “If we don’t help, you just know that they won’t be able to sign that treaty at midnight tonight!”

They checked their mystery watches. It was half-past four p.m.

“I think it’s that Redrum fellow,” said Pete quasi-racistly. “You’ll note that if you spell his name backwards, it spells Murder! It’s very suspicious.”

“But I already have a clue,” said Jupe determinedly. “On the floor there was a copy of the Book of Mormon!”

“Then it’s John Mormon!” said Pete surmisingly.

“But the Book of Mormon had the initials MG on the cover…a sure sign that Michael Goldsteinlevi was trying to plant the book to FRAME John Mormon!” said Jupe solvingly.

The three young investigators rounded a corner, when suddenly they were set upon by three shadowy figures, who pressed rags to each of their faces.

“Chloroform!” said Bob drowsily, before falling asleep.

NEXT CHAPTER: TWELVE TRIBES OF MURDER!

Volume 14- Issue 1

Health Care for the Streets

August 1, 2004
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If you’re like most poor people, you’re probably having some problems finding decent health coverage, but you probably aren’t having any problems finding diseases. When shopping for back-alley physicians, always remember the back-alley Hippocratic Oath: “If it’s an unlimited supply of tainted needles you’re looking for, come and talk to my buddy over here.”

How to Choose
When approaching your back-alley physician, make sure he is accredited. Signs of accreditation usually include more than one kind of blood type in some jars and a thick, lustrous mustache. Make sure the jars have labels.

Know the Basics
Don’t let him trick you into fancy procedures you don’t need like tumor removal or antibiotics. Always take note of whether or not his scalpels are clean; if they are, then he’s obviously inexperienced and hasn’t used them yet that day. You should come back later when he’s gotten into a good rhythm.

Understanding Your Diagnosis
Years of back-alley coursework and bloody urban turf wars have altered your physician’s lingo to fit his more streetwise clientele. If he says you have leprosy, you really have hepatitis C. Head wound? Hep C. And if he says you have consumption, then part of your leg is stuck in the jaws of a giant sewer-dwelling alligator, who is likewise afflicted with hepatitis.

Referrals to Specialists
Need a specialist? There’s one on every corner. Always remember, though, that when your physician refers you to a common street pimp billing himself as “the Doctor of Desire” he can cure only one ailment: a broken heart.

Paying the Bill
Most starting physicians will accept “thrills” as appropriate compensation. Others accept food stamps. Most will be content with a quid pro quo arrangement, provided you’re a back-alley medical school professor.

Volume 14- Issue 1

Fellow Delegates of Apartment 401

August 1, 2004
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The start of the school year brings about many new changes: freshmen are now sophomores and the library begins to resemble an Asian immigration office. However, the most important change takes place not on campus, but rather in my apartment, Apartment 401. That’s right everybody, it’s now election time in Apartment 401.

Having said that, I would like to accept my self-nomination for Ambassador of My Apartment Kitchen. This is a position that I would take remarkably seriously, just as I do all of Bob Saget’s jokes. So in order to convince you, the non-voting members of my apartment, to indeed vote for me, I will read a list of things I have and have not done during the course of my life.

I have:

  • Considered naming my first child “Ronald Reagan” after my least favorite highway.

  • Dedicated an entire summer to coming up with creative insults for Patrick Ewing, that tall dark thingy.

  • A tight ass.

  • Thanked God each and every day that spiders cannot jump. Well, except for that one spider, what’s it called? Oh yeah, THE JUMPING SPIDER. Fuck you God.

  • Looked Death in the face and laughed…at his hilariously accurate Jay Leno impression. I have never: > – Climbed Mount Everest…while wearing pants.

  • Mistakenly used a question mark where an exclamation point clearly belongs?

  • Blamed my girlfriend’s period for President Bush’s irrational actions toward global policies, when his own period is clearly to blame.

  • Chanted “TOGA” at my grandmother’s funeral GAA however, both my grandmothers are still alive. There is time.

  • Urinated in my hair conditioner to get back at myself for urinating in my shampoo.

  • Tried to teach myself calculus by dressing up as Sir Isaac Newton, going to a local high school math tournament, and throwing apples at all the participants.

  • Imagined having sex in an airport bathroom while having sex in a bus terminal bathroom.

  • Showed up to class wearing a mustache. Only a mustache.

  • Changed my last name to “Ouch, stop it” so my girlfriend would say my name during sex.As you can see, I have clearly displayed the responsibility required to be Ambassador of My Apartment Kitchen. If given the chance to serve my apartment, I could finally accomplish all those “I have nevers” that I want to do before the end of my stay here at Cal. Thanks for helping me fulfill my childhood dream of becoming the ambassador of something, albeit a kitchen, but fuck you, you can’t vote anyway.

In conclusion, I am currently running unopposed. God, I wish I could find some roommates.

Volume 14- Issue 1

Michael Moore Decides to Run

August 1, 2004
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In a move that will certainly shake things up a bit in the upcoming presidential election, documentary filmmaker and left-wing activist Michael Moore has finally decided to go for a much-needed jog.

The incident comes as a surprise to many of the nation’s top Democrats. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) commented, “Shit, I didn’t even know Michael Moore had legs.”

Republicans such as Hell’s very own Bill O’Reilly applauded the event, hilariously noting, “It will be nice to have less of Moore.” A man in Feldspar, Ohio then laughed.

Volume 14- Issue 1

If Every Problem at Cal Could Be Solved with a Form Letter

August 1, 2004

September 24, 2004

University of California, Berkeley
Billing and Payment Services
192 University Hall #1110
Berkeley, CA 94720

Dear UC Regents:

Thank you for your interest in receiving the money we owe you. We are always pleased to hear from school departments that wish to collect payment for services rendered.

Although we welcome your invoices, we are obliged to inform you that you will not be seeing a red cent from us at any point in the foreseeable future. The reasons for this are various, and include the fact that we are permanently broke and that those laundry machines are a total rip, but please rest assured that we wish you success in your endeavors, however futile.

Sincerely,

Eamon Doyle
Bill Avoidance Division

P.S. It is our policy that late fees are bullshit. Please retain the enclosed photograph of us giving you the finger for your records.

September 28, 2004

Guy Sitting Behind Us
100 Latimer Hall
Berkeley, CA 94720

Dear Guy Sitting Behind Us,

It has recently come to our attention that you have been tapping your foot on the back of our chair for the last forty-seven minutes of this fifty-minute astronomy lecture. Given that it is currently nine o’clock in the morning, and we at Mark Thomas only stopped binge drinking four hours ago when we lost consciousness in a puddle of our own vomit and urine, the incessant tap-tap-tapping of your foot on our chair is evocative of Gilbert Gottfried jackhammering a colicky baby into our face.

As we have already made two cease-and-desist requests regarding this issue, this will be our final correspondence before we follow you out of class and into the restroom, where we will give you a swirlie.

Have a nice day,

Mark Thomas
Executive in Charge of Giving You a Swirlie

September 20, 2004

Ball-hogging Guys
c/o Recreational Sporting Facility
2301 Bancroft Way
Berkeley, CA 94720

Dear Ball-hogging Guys,

It has recently come to our attention that we at Sean Keane have been open for the majority of this afternoon’s basketball competition. We believe that your decision to entrust the coveted position of point guard to us was a wise one; however, we feel that you have not fully recognized and taken advantage of the numerous opportunities we have provided for the team GAA specifically, the opportunities for scoring and competitive demoralization (i.e. “trash talking”).

We recognize that we at Sean Keane are neither tall nor dexterous, but feel that we could be a tactical addition to your portfolio.

Regards,

Sean Keane

P.S. We remain currently, as before, open. Please get back to us with the ball before the close of business today.

September 21, 2004

Ms. XXXX Doyle
23XX XXXX Avenue
XXXX, CA 94XXX

Dear Ms. Doyle:

Thank you for your recent communication of Friday, September 17th. We appreciate your taking the time to share your opinions and concerns regarding the personal affairs of your first-born son.

Regretfully, we must inform you that at this time we have to plans to attain an occupation and support ourselves a little for a change, per your stated request. Moreover, we are presently unable to apply more effort to our political science class, as this would not be conducive to our current strategy of going to that one concert with our friend Steve-o.

Ms. Doyle, please know that we consider you a valued parent, and are always any open to any further comments or suggestions you may have.

Best wishes,

Eamon Doyle
Department of Family Affairs

September 23, 2004

Girl in Suite 2B51H
Foothill-LaLoma Dormitory
Berkeley, CA 94720

To Whom It May Concern:

We at Mark Thomas, in light of the recent dismissal of our proposal to rock your world, have unanimously elected to reject your conciliatory offer of friendship, as it was decidedly devoid of all desired amenities outlined in the original contract GAA most notably, blowjobs. The refusal on your part to participate in negotiations regarding addition of any key benefits to the tabled offer has led us to question the integrity of your intentions and reputation as a pincushion for dicks.

It is thusly concordant with our current vision that all company resources will be diverted to watching ourselves weep silently in a mirror.

We wish you much success in your attempts to spread your sloppy vagina all over Slutsville, though we are certain that in this endeavor, success is inevitable.

Regards,

Mark Thomas
Director of Waiting for You to Call, You Fucking Bitch

September 21, 2004

Bearded Homeless Man
Between Top Dog and Smart Alec’s
Durant Avenue
Berkeley, CA 94708

Dear Bearded Homeless Man,

We appreciate the inquiry as to the financial health of Sean Keane. Unfortunately, Sean Keane is not at liberty at this time to discuss the issue of whether or not he possesses change, much less the larger question of whether such hypothetical change is indeed “spare.” As such, the objective of the requested funds, be it food, alcohol, or some baser, as-yet-unimaginable-to-Sean Keane homeless-person vice, is currently irrelevant.

We wish you the best of success in your future solicitations. However, we regret that this new policy in regards to change reporting will be in place until further notice, and that any further inquiries will be met with a blank stare or a hearty “Sorry, man.”

Respectfully yours,

Sean Keane

Volume 14- Issue 1

A Guide to University Speech Codes

August 1, 2004
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Concordant with the rise of political correctness in academia, many universities around the country are starting to implement “speech codes” to educate any ignorant peoples that attend such institutions. This seems a perfect fit for Berkeley, as our new “Principles of Community” are a learning tool for all the retards out there.

Following is a list of phrases considered incorrect under the new Principles of Community, complete with suggestions to improve them.

Example: “Boy, those Mexicans sure like there cockfights.”
What’s Wrong With This: This is very inappropriate. The correct spelling of the word is “their,” not “there.”

Example: “I can’t get a student loan because of those scheming Jew-bankers.”
What’s Wrong With This: The phrase “Jew-bankers” should not include a hyphen, as it implies that the transnational cabal of Jewish usurers is indeed a discrete group of people. This is untrue–they are not people.

Example: “I’m really lucky that black guy didn’t break into my car and steal my radio.”
What’s Wrong With This: This is based on the common stereotype that black people steal car radios, when in fact, they are busy fucking your girlfriend with their giant penises. Collectively speaking.

Example: “Dirty Persian just looked at me funny, Ed.”
What’s Wrong With This: Whoa, hold on a second: that black guy actually did steal your radio. Sorry to tell you.

Example Conversation Between 2 Professors: “My TA told me that women still earn 25% less than men.”
“So did you give her a university-mandated raise?”
“I told her to suck my cock or I’d fire her.”
“So what happened?”
“Oh, she sucked my cock. Then I fired her.”
What’s Wrong With This: Women earn 27% less than men, not 25%. Keep dreaming, ladies.

Example: “There are so many Asians here that when I see people wearing vintage ’70s clothing, I feel like blowing up some goddamn Charlie schoolchildren.”
What’s Wrong With This: The majority of Asian-American students at Cal don’t come from Vietnam, and it is therefore inappropriate to call them “Charlie.” They are gooks.

Example: “After humans, they say dolphins are the smartest animals. Or is it Italians? No, it’s probably dolphins.”
What’s Wrong With This: Nothing. Note the proper use of “it’s.” This sentence is 100% correct.

Volume 14- Issue 1

Voting Deemed “Out” by <i>Cosmo</i>

August 1, 2004
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Voter registration groups are reeling following a declaration in the September 2004 issue of Cosmopolitan that the act of voting is officially out of style.

“Not only have young women stopped registering to vote in our precinct,” stated Judith Miller, a volunteer in California’s Ninth District, “but they have actually requested that our officials un-register them, and take their names off the voter rolls. Cosmopolitan has single-handedly created a scenario that will produce the lowest voter turnout ever seen.”

Writers responsible for the “In and Out” column said that the inconsistencies in voting machine standards and the dreary cardboard voting booths led to the controversial announcement. Karen McNamara, a representative of the Cosmopolitan editorial board, justified the claim in a separate interview, stating, “If women are reading our magazines, then they probably shouldn’t be voting anyway.”

Replacing the act of voting in the “In Style” column are wide-flare jeans, which have seen a sudden resurgence in popularity.

Volume 14- Issue 1

Short Conversations

August 1, 2004

Guy 1: Hey, looks like we ordered the same omelette.
Guy 2: Good taste! [laughter]
Guy 1: Mind if I join you?
Guy 2: Not at all!
[eating]
Guy 2: My parents were murdered when I was sixteen.
Guy 1: ShGAA [drops fork] fuck, you mean like GAA
Guy 2: Yeah, like Batman.

Girl: Hey, why are the ice cubes in your drink bigger than mine?
Guy: Read Dianetics.
Girl: No.

Law Student: I want to be a lawyer, but a contract lawyer, not a criminal lawyer. I’d rather deal with money than moral ambiguities.
Med Student: I want to be a veterinarian, but a teacher, not a practicioner. I’d rather deal with money than horse pussy.

Volume 14- Issue 1

The Mailman Doesn’t Deliver on Sundays

August 1, 2004
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Karl Malone spent his entire career with the Utah Jazz, but never won a championship. In the biggest game of Karl Malone’s career, Michael Jordan stole the ball from him, and then hit the game-winning shot. Karl Malone sucks. Last year, Karl Malone decided he wanted to finally win a title before retiring, so he signed with the Lakers. Coached by former Bulls coach and Karl Malone nemesis Phil Jackson, the Lakers made it to the NBA Finals, where they of course lost. Man, does Karl Malone suck. Malone’s failure embarrassed him and the great sport of basketball, but his desperate team-switching and unsuccessful quest for a title is not without precedent.

The Buffalo Bills and the Dallas Cowboys
In the summer before the 1994 NFL season, the entire Buffalo Bills team signs with the Dallas Cowboys. Bruce Smith teams up with Charles Haley and Leon Lett to terrorize opposing quarterbacks, while Thurman Thomas provides a lift to the Cowboys’ already-potent offense. Still, the 49ers’ midseason acquisition of “Neon” Deion Sanders proves too much to overcome, and the reconfigured Cowboys fall in the NFC Championship Game. The Bills struggle to field a team, but still finish ahead of the Arizona Cardinals.

Garry Kasparov and Deep Blue
Growing increasingly depressed about his repeated defeats to IBM supercomputer Deep Blue, chessmaster Garry Kasparov decides to enroll in adult education classes to learn computer programming skills. His logical mind, honed by decades of rigorous chess play and study, takes to Visual Basic immediately. Soon, Kasparov is offered an entry-level programming job at IBM. He works hard, and after his two-month probationary period, Kasparov is in line for a 75-cent/hour raise. However, just days before his performance evaluation, Kasparov spills an entire 20-ounce Mountain Dew onto his workstation keyboard, ruining it. He does not receive the raise.

Gargamel and the Smurfs
Gargamel camps out next to Smurf Village for an entire year, in order to remain eligible for their intramural basketball team. He repeatedly stresses that his intentions are not to capture and destroy the Smurfs, but to come together to win a championship. Initially, the Smurfs have their doubts. It is not until the halfway point in the season that the Gargamel joins the starting lineup, at power forward. At first, it appears that Papa Smurf has found his elusive post presence. Gargamel is a diligent rebounder and an active defensive player. While not a good ballhandler, Gargamel presents a difficult matchup against most opposing forwards. The Smurfs win their final three games to advance to the playoffs.

Then it all falls apart. In the playoffs, Gargamel’s physical style of play comes under closer scrutiny from the officials. He picks up three early fouls, and is forced to the bench early in the second quarter. By halftime, the Smurfs are down fifteen points and spectators are openly criticizing the Gargamel acquisition, suggesting that the team could have used the clutch outside shooting of Vanity Smurf instead. Gargamel returns for the second half, but is ineffective in limited minutes.

Todd Helton and the Colofraudo Suckies
Frustrated by his position on last-place fantasy team Grady Little’s Boners, Todd Helton engineers a trade with the help of his agent. Even though the Colofraudo Suckies, the first baseman’s new team, are run by avowed Helton-hater Wade Barnett, they can’t resist acquiring the slugger in exchange for Johan Santana and Joe Borowski. Helton is excited to help pursue a fantasy baseball title, with his own real team again out of contention again. The Suckies flirt briefly with first place, but can’t stay on top as Helton picks up only 32 RBIs in the final two months of the year. Meanwhile, Borowski is a solid closer, and Santana wins his last eight decisions of the year. Wade Barnett burns third baseman Chris Stynes in effigy in his backyard.