- You just killed the Yearling; didn’t want to dig two holes
- For your sins
- To prevent a sequel
- Sudden appearance of New Yeller
- Knew too much
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Latest Issue
Top Ten Second-rate Magic Tricks
- The Magic of Reading
- Contracting HIV but maintaining a high T-cell count
- Removing grape juice from a carpet with Oxy-Clean
- Turning a half-full glass of water into a half-empty glass of water
- Levitating a Hovercraft
- Reading your own mind
- Unzipping your pants and punching yourself in the balls…TA-DA!
- Sawing a loaf of bread in half
- Pulling a rabbit out of a larger, pregnant rabbit
- Pulling a quarter out of your pocket
Top Ten Disney Blaxploitation Films
- Sambi
- Aladdin Jones
- Finding Nee-fro
- The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh and This Huge Black Guy Who Hates White People
- Snow Honkey and the Seven Jive Turkeys
- The Foxy Bitch and the Hound
- Black Beauty and the Beast
- The Hunchblack of Notre Dame
- Blackahontas
- The Aristoblacks
Top Five Song Lyrics Rejected by Johnny Cash for Not Being Tough Enough
- “My daddy left home when I was three / He came back home later that day, but still”
- “Because you’re mine / I walk across the street when instructed by the sign”
- “Daddy sang bass / Other daddy sang tenor”
- “Love is a burning thing / And it really hurts / To touch burning things”
- “I shot a man in Reno / Just to get some pie”
Top Ten Converted Rock Bands
- Peter, Paul, and Mary (the Ones from the Bible)
- The Chemical-free Brothers
- Guns N’ Moses
- Nirvana…Does Not Exist
- Green Day That the Lord Hath Made
- Three Wise Men at Work
- Not-so-bad Religion
- John 3:11
- Burning Bush
- Ozzy Osbourne Again
Top Ten Scientist Pickup Lines
- “Damn Yolanda, you must be a quantum singularity, because I’m drawn to your black hole.”
- “You’re like a carbon molecule, ’cause every part of me wants to bond with you.”
- “I’m like Schroedinger’s cat, because every time you look at me, I die.”
- “You’re like a microscope sample, because I need to mount you.”
- “I must have a Bunsen burner in my chest, ’cause my heart’s on fire.”
- “You’re like an elevated temperature, ’cause you’ve excited all my particles.”
- “You must be traveling at the speed of light, ’cause time stopped when I saw you.”
- “Baby, can you help me integrate my natural log?”
- “You must know Bernoulli’s Principle, ’cause damn, you so fly!”
- “Girl, you must be a parametric equation, ’cause you got curves in all the right places.”
Words from the Top
JOKE! Apologies Are for Ethnics
_Last month, we ran a piece called “A Guide to University Speech Codes.” However, we seem to have forgotten to include the word “JOKE!” in big block letters before satirizing the climate of hysterical political correctness on college campuses. In the following column, we have corrected that error. _
-ed.
Recently, the Heuristic Squelch has been the source of some controversy on campus. In response to the ensuing unrest within the university community, we have taken a measure to prevent further confusion about the content of our magazine. We hope this will clarify the intentions of our publication in terms JOKE! even a coolie could understand.
At one point, there was a bill before the ASUC senate that would officially condemn the Squelch and force us to print an apology for “poisoning the climate on campus.” Evidence cited for this included several racially-motivated crimes that were committed last year and JOKE! the fact that huffing paint feels really good. Wait, this issue of the Squelch caused ignorant criminals to attack people last semester? JOKE! We’re like the Marty McFly of hate crimes.
As is now apparent, JOKE! this has been a period of growth and maturity within the Squelch. It has also become apparent that the influence of comedy is much more powerful than we had originally thought. It was not clear, for instance, that referring to homosexual persons as JOKE! “anti-people” would cause the dormant hatred of society to reawaken and tear apart the tenuous wall of pretense that heretofore was the sole guardian of their right to exist as JOKE! human beings. This was printed under the assumption that our words were nothing more than satirical jest. Clearly, JOKE! we were wrong.
In spite of criticism from all sides, including JOKE! the ASUC, the Squelch has decided to bring its newfound influential powers to bear on campus. Here are just a few of the things that the Squelch pledges to accomplish in the coming months through its published content:
1) Eliminate crying due to sadness and pain, repurpose sadness to now be expressed by eating ice cream on sunny summer days with loved ones.
2) Procure an economy-line LCD monitor for a reasonable price.
3) Cease the incessant burning of the infernal sun.
4) Open nationwide chain of ice cream stands.
It is important to keep in mind that we, too, are merely college students. We, like you, probably just want to have sex JOKE! with other people. Other people like women.
So, if you have an LCD monitor you are willing to let go for around $150, please let us know. And if we made you cry, JOKE! we’re sorry.
Tragedy Befalls Guinness
The Guinness Brewing Company, world renowned for championing Irish stereotypes and for its quasi-popular Guinness Book of World Records, witnessed record-breaking bloodshed at its annual World Record Holders Convention in Burbank, California, last weekend.
According to preliminary reports, the incident began as the World’s Smallest Midget and the World’s Smallest Dwarf argued over who could fit more snugly into the overhead compartment of an airplane. The argument was brought to a halt as the dwarf stabbed a comically oversized fork into the midget’s eye. The World’s Fattest Man, a close friend of the midget, rolled his four-ton body onto the dwarf in bloody retaliation. The dwarf’s body has yet to be excavated.
This instigated the World’s Angriest Man to bash various other world record holders (among them the World’s Blindest Man) with the World’s Most Dangerous Wiffle Bat while the World’s Saddest Man sat in a corner and cried. To end this pointless massacre, the one-eyed man managed to stab the angriest man despite lacking depth perception. Meanwhile, the no-eyed man tried to help his visually impaired brother but ended up beating the life out of an unsuspecting and non-world record-holding shrub.
Friends Worried About Joe
Local pedophile Joe Flagherty has started to lose interest in his illegal hobby and is drifting away from his pedophile friends.
Flagherty recently purchased the Sony Playstation 2 and Xbox game consoles to add to his colorful candy-filled living room, which he has dubbed “the rosebud trap” for its propensity to attract neighborhood boys. But he’s found himself more than a little distracted by his newest baits.
Explained Flagherty, “I dunno, I guess I’ll get back to raping children soon, but have you played that NFL 2K5 game? The graphics are great, and with the voice chat features, I can hear the sweet, sweet erotic sound of children’s voices anytime I want.”
Friend and fellow pedophile Quinn O’Connor expressed concern. “If this sort of thing could happen to an old crib-rider like Joe, it could happen to anyone. Pretty soon guys are gonna stop wearing their super-thin pedophile mustaches and we’ll barely even see each other except around the playgrounds.”
O’Connor went on to suggest that Flagherty’s natural affinity for the games is due to his excellent hand-eye coordination, developed by years of holding children down while simultaneously unfastening his belt.
The Real Wonder Years
Ah, the Wonder Years. That special time in a boy’s life from 8 to 8:30 on ABC’s Wednesday night lineup. Sadly, the show deeply misled the youth of America by making us think that during any conversation or event in our lives, we could stop for a three-minute internal monologue featuring the voice of renowned comic/actor Daniel Stern.
Hiking…
Lindsay: What are you looking at, Kevin?
Kevin’s Internal Monologue: Oh no! A giant boulder was heading straight for Lindsay!
Lindsay: Why aren’t you talking?
Internal Monologue: Boy, this was a big moment in my life. I just knew that if I could save Lindsay from that giant boulder, I’d be a hero in her eyes. From that moment on I was resolved to act. I knew I could GAA
Lindsay: AHHHHHH!!!
Kevin: …Whoops.
Studying with Flashcards…
Mom: Okay, Kevin. I’ll hold up the card, and you read the word and tell me which periodic element it is. [Holds up card showing “Fe”]
Internal Monologue: It was hard remembering all the elements, but my mom cared about my education and she was always willing to…
Mom: Kevin! Can’t you even guess? This is an easy one.
Internal Monologue: Iron! It’s iron! Say iron!
Kevin: Phosphorus.
Internal Monologue: You fuckup. You fucking GAA dammit.
In Class…
Teacher: Okay, Kevin. Please show us how to solve this equation on the board.
Internal Monologue: Was he serious? I was no genius, how could I…
Teacher: Kevin, why are you staring into space? And where’s that warm, comforting background music coming from?
Kevin: Oh boy, this was getting bad fast.
Teacher: Who are you talking to and why are you speaking in the past tense?
Internal Monologue: Oh, nothing, Mr. Rhymer.
Kevin: Boy, that was close.
Teacher: Are you retarded or something?
On a Date…
Winnie Cooper: I had a great night, Kevin. We should do this again sometime.
Internal Monologue: Oh boy, she was leaning forward. Did she want me to kiss her? What if I leaned forward to kiss her and she pulled back? I knew this was a big moment and I was scared, but I had to make a decision before GAA
Winnie Cooper: AHHHHHH!!!!!!
Internal Monologue: Wow, two boulders in one day. What are the odds? I should really stop taking people to the sunken edge of this gorge.
Gambling on Baseball Games…
Paul: Kevin, you’re crazy. The Seattle Pilots will never beat the Senators.
Kevin: I’m telling you. They’re gonna win the pennant.
Paul: Wanna bet 50 dollars?
Internal Monologue: Boy. This was a big decision. Did I want to gamble even though my father forbade it?…Wait, shit, I remember that A.L. pennant race. They lost! DON’T MAKE THE BET! DON’T MAKE THE BET!
Kevin: You’re on!
Internal Monologue: Aw, screw this, I’m gonna flash back to that episode where special guest gym teacher Robert Picardo taught sex ed and hilarity ensued. [Wistful sigh] Hilarity ensued.
