Local man Ray Conners discovered that gay people are amusing after watching last night’s episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Conners, an open-minded heterosexual man, was allegedly charmed by the five main characters’ sassy dialogue… Read More
None of us intended to be in the EECS Intermural Soccer Championships. Our only plan was to play a little soccer, lose, then make ironic and funny comments about losing using Monty Python and Comedy Central quotes. Well, Johnny … Read More
Earlier this year I and my team of researchers were granted permission by the government of Brazil to study the Umbato people of the lower basin. Our study would focus mainly on what western civilization could learn from these … Read More
Los Angeles Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant announced Wednesday in a news conference that he will donate part of his gigantic ego to charity.
During the conference, a teary-eyed Bryant said, “I’m one of the greatest basketball… Read More
One of the advantages of the Heuristic Squelch as a magazine is the long period of time from when the issue goes to press and when it actually reaches the anxious sweat-drenched and abnormally sticky palms of the student … Read More
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As the glowing oscillations continually replicated the soft curves of feminine essence in a gently perverted light show, Peterson was moved to epiphany. “When that beautiful gorge repeatedly poured out into infinity in front… Read More
While being alive and being dead both have their jollies, for jollies nothing beats a state of unbeing twisted between death and life. You can walk through walls, jog through walls, even do a cartwheel through, yes, a… Read More
Student government politics were thrown into further turmoil last week when it was revealed that the ASUC earmarked ten dollars in student fees to oppose Proposition 53. The announcement was made by Graduate Assembly President Jessica Zack Quindel.
“We’ve already… Read More
After a single viewing of Newlyweds, the MTV reality series chronicling the married life of pop stars Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, UC Berkeley sophomore Pete Klein permanently retired his Jessica Simpson masturbatory fantasy, Klein announced Friday.… Read More
Researchers at several universities, two of whom are professors at UC Berkeley, recently published their findings on the curious nature of political conservatives. Among their findings is the conclusion that conservatives, generally speaking, like to be peed … Read More
