EECS Soccer!

None of us intended to be in the EECS Intermural Soccer Championships. Our only plan was to play a little soccer, lose, then make ironic and funny comments about losing using Monty Python and Comedy Central quotes. Well, Johnny Eighth-floor had wanted to win, but Johnny loves a stupid challenge. He earned his name breaking into the Eighth floor of Soda Hall on a dare, which no one had ever done before, because Soda only has seven floors.

Once we decided to play we had signed up for the usual EECS Co-Ed team, 8 guys and 1 girl. We had argued that since we all had female Everquest characters, we should get an exception for being all male, but then Terry announced she was a girl. Which answered a lot of unresolved questions about Terry, but raised plenty more, believe me.

We wouldn’t have won at all if it weren’t for our star player, the MasterBerator. A semester away from graduating and still several meters shy of ever touching a girl, he was able to convert 22 years of sexual frustration into pure speed and agility. Coach Jurgen would tell him, “OK, penetrate their defenses, work it around a little bit in the end zone, then shoot to score.” Then MB would get this look in his eye and run off. Most of the time the other Goalie wouldn’t even touch a ball he kicked unless there were gloves involved. And EECS Goalies don’t like gloves because they make for chappy hands. MB’s only problem was that he didn’t look to score off a pass, because it “made for a weird metaphor.”

But now we were in the Championship against Team Better then the Crips and Bloods put Together Times a Google. “A Google as in the search engine company, or googol as in a unit of quantity equal to 10100?” we asked. “Both,” they sneered at us. A shiver ran down our hairless chins. They had the best players. Jimmy the Sneed. Rohit the Paladin’s Paladin. Eric the Mirror, so pasty white that in direct sunlight he became impossible to look at without going blind. And worst of all, they had The Babe, the sexiest girl in EECS department, 160 pounds of sheer desire. No one could shoot at The Babe. Our collective masturbation fantasy where we accidentally snuck into the same shower stall would be ruined.

Worst of all, MB was out of the game. He had strained his pelvis making lewd gestures towards female passersby.

And then the game was on. “Octagonal formation!” shouted Coach J, and we all shuffled into position, looking around to make sure we had gotten the angles exactly correct. The Babe helped them out from the backfield by pouting with lipstick on. Fortunately, we had had the foresight to wear special underpants, allowing us to run despite straining erections. I checked one of my watches. Two minutes in. Crap.

The game continued like that for a long time. But with 10 minutes to go, we were all practically collapsing. I even had a charley horse in my left hand, the only part of me that gets any workout. Finally, Terry took matters into her own hands. She marched over to where MB was rocking back and forth, holding an ice pack to a crotch the size of the Two Towers Bonus DVD pack, with 20 hours of special features. Putting his hand on where her boobs probably were, she shouted “There! You touched a girl! Booooooooobs!”

MasterBerator sprung up like a phallic metaphor. Racing onto the field, he grabbed the ball and worked his way past their entire field. He sped past Caffeine Jack, and did such a good juke past Eric the Virgin that he had to add ‘Probably’ to his nickname.

That left only The Babe, who looked cute and determined. And MB was racing right for her. I realized his plan. “Don’t do it, MB! If you run into her, she’ll be in control!” And, in fact, The Babe looked braced for MB, waiting to ensnare his balls. Ball. But then, as he was just about to crash, MB neatly stepped to the side, waited for The Babe to lunge where he had been, then scored on her from behind. 1-0, and time expired. “Was it good for you too?” he asked The Babe innocently, before racing off to a bathroom stall.

And we were Champions. That night we drank until the early AM. I slipped a Mickey into Terry’s drink, but she fished it out and added it to the rest of her Disney collection. Then we called it a night and went back to Cory to finish some coding. I kissed Terry that night, too. Turned out she was a guy all along, but oh well.