Top Four Worst Excuses for Getting in a Fight with a Grizzly Bear

February 1, 2005

To impress the bear’s girlfriend
You thought it was a cougar
You assumed the forest gave you home-court advantage
It took your pic-inic basket

Mark Thomas vs. the Internet

February 1, 2005

Let’s face it; the Internet had a lot to offer in its heyday: earth-shattering breakthroughs in communication, data access, and commerce, just to name a few. Yeah, the Internet was pretty cool.

Around the same time the idea of a global network of interconnected computing machines was picking up momentum, technology had a second Big Bang: the one that conceived me. As challenging the oppressive rule of Goliath was David’s charge, so was I pitted against the Internet, vying for my due recognition from within the shadow of an imposing behemoth.

After years of fierce and controversial debate that has torn nations, families apart, I have decided to compile a comprehensive comparison to once and for all settle this, the rivalry to end all rivalries.

Internet: Instantaneous access to virtually unlimited information
Mark: Access to the Internet

Thanks to the searching power of the Internet, I can help track down whatever it is you need to find, virtually anywhere.

Mark +1

Internet: Global communication
Mark: Strong interpersonal skills

The Internet may connect you to users in other countries, but can it effectively leverage synergies towards a common goal? The Internet can’t even drive a car. How lame.

Mark +1

Internet: Broadband connection
Mark: Connection

With the advent of widespread broadband and wireless access, the Internet is increasingly easy to connect to whereas, because of questionable parenting, I am not.

Internet +1

Internet: Vast and wildly diverse collection of pornography
Mark: Well-catalogued, vast, and wildly diverse collection of pornography

With Mark Thomas, what you see is what you get. I take the time to appropriately label and categorize my amalgam of adult media. The Internet expends no such effort; this often leads to one embarrassing oneself. I will never embarrass you while you are viewing your pornography.

Mark +1

In closing, even if we look at fundamental qualties such as leadership potential, we find the Internet painfully deficient. The Internet may have ushered in the digital age, but there are serious doubts as to whether or not it could quiet down a room in less than fifteen seconds. My can-do attitude embarrasses the Internet’s passive management style.

In conclusion, I win for all of the following reasons: I am not the Internet and I don’t suck. Also, the Internet can’t defend itself in writing.

Volume 14- Issue 5

Student Unable to Comply with Parent’s Request

February 1, 2005

newsflash, Unfunny Asshole 1

Sophomore William Hammersmith’s father was dismayed to learn yesterday that his son would be unable to “spend a semester flipping
burgers if you want a car,” because he is too un-Mexican.

“I’m a white male aged 18 to 35 GAA I can’t even get hired as a waiter,” Hammersmith lamented. “I looked all over and there was only one job
I could get.” Hammersmith then excused himself to dictate a memo to his executive assistant and put a down payment on a houseboat in Sausalito.

Volume 14- Issue 5

Pirate Battle

February 1, 2005

Evan Winchester, feature

Pirates ended the careers of many a brave seaman, even those who survived the tumultuous waters south of Cape Horn, the monsters of the great Atlantic, and the pleasant oases of the Pacific. Pirates were feared for their unforgiving tactics, pillaging and plundering without regard for the innocence of man,
woman, or child. But when pirate met pirate, the devil himself shook, for only the most ruthless of rap battles would settle their turf war. We found a transcript of just such a trial of wills, reprinted below:

Let it be known that this lyrical fistfight and verbal dynamite may take place between our two contestants, Lil Jon Silver and Arr Kelly. Sucka emcee spits first.

Arr Kelly: [nods, takes deep breath] When I set sail to your mother’s seas I drop
anchor with rancor / I give that broad’s broad side a broadside when I pull up and flank her / ‘Cause while you just a Lil Jon, this Long John sank her.

Lil Jon Silver: When I met your mother I crept up where she was layin’ then / And got her good with my belayin’ pin, I started dismayin’ then / ‘Cause your mom’s got crabs like the ocean’s got shore / That salty lass was on me
like, “Polly wanna crack whore?”

Arr Kelly: You know I made your mom my first mate / But she wasn’t my first
mate / Since I was a laddie I been raisin’ the birth rate / I cut lass with my cutlass / I’ve had more pirate booty than the loot in my trunk has.

Lil Jon Silver: The first time with your mother we was really in a rush / So
keep it hush-hush, but I musta bust my blunderbuss / Your mom’s sick like
Ahab GAA always lookin’ for Mo’ Dick.

Arr Kelly: You know the game ain’t the same since I came to the Spanish Main / I spent a few Gs just to sail these seven seas / And Zanzibar is nice, but I got spice / Up in the West Indies where the lassies be into me / I bust hymen like icebergs versus Titanic / An’ my rhymin’ panicks enemies / So get outta the Atlantic if you not a friend of me.

Lil Jon Silver: I give no quarter on the quarterdeck / If I plunder your booty, then you’ll never get a quarter back / I show less mercy than scurvy / And the rhymes that I drop is contagious like herpes / My ride is the S.S. Stallion, just one of my battalion / And the chrome on this galleon you gotta measure in gallons / I got diamonds on my main mast, making lassies gasp / And before I even start my rap, you like Smee / Wonderin’ what Captain Hook gon’ be.

A panel of judges, including Blackbeard, William Kidd, and Barbarossa, announces that Lil Jon Silver is the winner. JS gives a sporting hug to his competitor, to show that both pirates are truly winners. Still, Arr Kelly is forced to walk the plank.

Volume 14- Issue 5

Words from the Top

Enemy Mine

February 1, 2005

feature, Matt Loker

Everyone needs an enemies list. With all the talk of national disunity and the red/blue divide, I figure this “healing” is just a clever tactic. That’s right, they lull you into a false sense of security, then BAM, Senator Joe Biden (D-DE) punches you in the face and takes your shoes.

And that’s why I need an enemies list. But how to make one? Remember, Richard Nixon had one, and now he’s dead. Lesson: Never pick “natural causes” as an enemy.

The key to making good enemies is picking people who are less powerful than you.
Enemy #1: The Pope. I could take that guy. What, are you gonna release some doves at me?

Lesson: Have an enemy you hate with the sum total of all evil since the original sin.
Enemy #2: Little Debbie. She knows what she did.

Lesson: Consolidate your efforts to save time.
Enemy #3: A paranoid schizophrenic. That way, you can hate six people for the price of one. That’s not hating harder, that’s hating smarter.

Lesson: Don’t hate anyone that can get you in trouble for hating them under hate crime laws.
Enemy #4: Hate crime laws. Anything that prevents me from having more enemies is my enemy. Okay, now I’m done blowing your mind.

Lesson: Don’t write anything that other people are going to read if your writing is so bad that it makes depressed war widows cry onto puppies with two legs. And they’re both hind legs. How do the puppies walk, you ask? With their chins.
Enemy #5: Daily Cal columnists Eitan Bencuya and David Pekema. They know what they did.

Enemy #6: Endings

Volume 14- Issue 5

Being a Male Porn Star Is Hard Work

By Miles O’Dong

February 1, 2005

feature

Most people think that being a male porn star is a glamorous job. That all day it’s just sex and making that one face. But it’s not. For one
thing, it’s hard to tell where work ends and where everyday life begins:

Cashier at Bookstore: Okay, that comes to forty-two dollars even.
Me: Can I pay by credit card?
Cashier: Sure, but I’ll need to see your ID.
Me: [Starts to takes off pants]
Cashier: [Shocked] What the hell are you doing?!
Me: But I thought that “ID” stands for Incredible GAA
Cashier: No. It doesn’t.

And clothes shopping is always an ordeal:

Me: I’d like thirty-eight pairs of tear-away track pants, please.
Clerk: Whoa, buddy! Are you GAA
Me: [Sighs] No, I’m not starting an AYSO team.
Clerk: …a male porn star?
Me: Look pal, you wanna see my ID or not?

And the worst part is, porno doesn’t even pay
that well! I’ve had to work tons of part-time jobs just to make the rent. Like when I got that job as a bartender:

Female Customer: Whiskey sour, extra sour.
Me: Coming right up. [Starts pouring drink]
Female Customer: Why is it taking so long?
Me: [Still pouring] Almost there!
Female Customer: Okay…
Me: [Still pouring] Just a little more!
Female Customer: What?
Me: Yes! That’s it! [Pulls bottle away from glass, coating her face in whiskey]
Female Customer: What the fuck?!
Me: Towel boy! Over here!

Or that time I had to deliver pizzas to a sorority house:

Me: [Rings doorbell]
Sorority Girl in Negligee: [Seductively] Hey there, pizza boy.
Me: Uh, yeah. That’ll be thirteen-fifty.
Sorority Girl: So tell me, what’s on that pizza?
Me: Aww c’mon, don’t make me say it. Can
I just have the money?
Sorority Girl: Not ’til you tell me what’s on that pizza.
Me: [Sighs] Extra sausage.
[Slap bass starts playing]
Me: Goddammit, Jerry, will you stop that?
Guy with Ponytail: Sorry.

After a career in pornography, no one takes you seriously. Like that time I tried out for the
touring cast of the British Royal Shakespeare Company:

Director: Well, Miles, I was very impressed with your portrayal of MacDuff. But…
Me: Was it overwrought?
Director: No, not at all. Best I’ve ever seen, in fact. It’s just that if you want to do mainstream work, you have to start…somewhere else.
Me: You mean, like at a dramatic GAA
Director: You have to blow those eight guys dressed in army camos.
[Kenneth Branagh starts playing slap bass]