They say Mussolini made the trains run on time, but I’m still not okay with Italians running Amtrak.

Maybe it’s just the beer talking, but a lot of noise is coming from this beer.

Women belong in the kitchen…and the Senate!

All I’m trying to say is, it’s not gay unless you love him.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean one enjoys it?

I’ve heard that writers are flaky people. That’s completely

I used to want to be a firefighter. Then I went to school.

They say if you die a martyr you get 72 virgins. But what if I get to heaven and they’re all just me?

They say that time will legitimize the Church of Scientology. I say that it’d go a lot faster if Scientology weren’t stupid fucking bullshit.

You shouldn’t ingest Diet Coke and Mentos at the same time as cyanide.

CUjo theBIGASS DOG

By drunk Stephen King

“oh, shIT” thought this fuckin woman as she got into her car. “loook at that fucking dog. i am just goonna lie down”

she lied down in the car because she was tired

then this fucken dog shows up at the gotdamn window! The Dog was all aslobbery and put its face on the window

THE dog was all big and killed epople bceause it hada VENDETTA or a CRINIMALS” GHOST in him

Wait the woman had a kid with her I think, this kid was reasonably scared of the dog

hold on wait! also i forgot they forgot to close one of thew indows in there car so cujo does that thing that dogs do where they put their head outside and let their tongue flap in the breeze as you are driving only this time it was THE OPPOSITE AND THE DOG WAS COMING IN

SHIT, I spilled whiskeys on my lapp Myhead hurts so fucking much” thoughet me.

I mean the lady, she gots up andshe went to the fridge and, she started it. she Locked the door and put her head against the fridges dashboard and moaned until my wife found her>

Journey to the Center of the Earth

by Jules Verne

The first mile was finished! The intrepid adventurer-cum-academic Professor Lidenbrock looked over the hundred-man digging operation and allowed himself a satisfied smile. “Only 3,948 vertical miles to go until we get to the center of the Earth and its innumerable treasures!” he exclaimed, accurately.

“Sir,” panted his nephew Axel, who toiled in the pit below and was presently damp with sweat, “You’ve been working us for days. These men need a break. And the shovels you’ve given us are shoddy!” He was right. The shovels had been pieced together at the last minute from various bits of silverware that the Professor had stolen from History Department luncheons, and the coolie laborers were exhausted and demoralized. Some of the more insolent among them had questioned the Professor’s prescient decision to begin the journey to the center of the earth from the summit of Mount Fuji.

“If you saved the pocket-money I gave you, boy, you might’ve been able to afford the steam-shovel in which I am currently riding!” chortled Lindenbrock, who took hold of a lever and pulled it. The machine under him shuddered and whined, and steam poured from its many, many mechanisms for legitimate scientific reasons which shall not be described here.

The DaVinci Code

By Dan Brown

DaVinci had stayed up all night writing code, but he just couldn’t get the syntax right, “Dammit!” he yelled, throwing down his quill pen. “When is Alan Turing gonna invent some fucking computers so I can put this code in them?”

“You don’t have to shout, DaVinci,” said a low voice behind him. DaVinci jumped, startled, then whirled around like a ballet dancer who is supposed to pirouette in full revolutions but is lazy. Turing stood in the doorway, the stench of the time-machine’s exhaust hanging about him like a sweet musk. He smiled the smile of a man who had invented computers in the present and was satisfied with the work he had done.

Suddenly, 1500 years ago, Jesus had a family and wasn’t divine.

Dinosaur Park

By Michael Crichton

As Malcolm looked at his calculator, his hands began to shake. “No,” he thought to himself, “This can’t be true. Not yet, anyway…” But the evidence was all there. Because the dinosaur skeletons were reanimated by harnessing the power of lightning, they all had too much DNA and would soon start going crazy. And according to Malcolm’s chaos theory calculations, they would start now. Off in the distance, an alarm sounded.

Dr. Grant was busy impregnating dinosaurs with mosquitoes when the alarm startled him. “Probably just another velociraptor flying into a transformer,” he said to himself, and then returned to his work. A crashing sound from the triceratops tank snapped him back to reality, just in time to see a brontosaurus break into the aquarium and feast on one of the triceratops’ furry hides before breaking through the tank’s lead wall with its razor-sharp antlers. Grant reached for his shotgun but was stopped when Malcolm rushed into the room. “Don’t do it! Their genomes are completely unstable!” But it was too late. Grant fired off a shot directly into the leviathan’s DNA core, causing it to evolve into a bird.

I’ll bet back in the day people didn’t pose for portraits; everybody just moved slower.

They say that dead men tell no tales, but old men really pick up the slack for them.

I once saw a magazine that said “Is Your Man Gay? The Telltale Signs.” I think there’s only one telltale sign and that’s, “are you a man, too?”

I thought those cavemen would be more impressed with my fire. I also didn’t know they preferred the term “homeless.”

I like my women like I like my coffee: carried in a sack on the back of a mule.

The things my dad has done have eaten at his conscience. He used to drop Agent Orange on Cambodian peasants, until they made him stop last week.

Losing your wallet is worse than losing your virginity, because without my wallet I never would have lost my virginity.

If I were an Irish cop, I’d probably be upset about media stereotypes of Irish policemen. Then again, I’d probably also be too busy beating my wife to notice.

Too many cooks spoil the soup. They tend to clump up in the bowl.

You can’t fight fire with fire, but you can use it to fight firefighters.