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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 8- Issue 2

Volume 8, Issue 2: The Daily Squelch

October 1, 1998

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 8- Issue 2

Top Ten Rejected De-Cal Classes

October 1, 1998
  1. Linguistics: Using the definite article in front of freeway names
  2. Entomology: Shit that bugs
  3. Economics: Managing a sports debt
  4. Religious Studies: Preaching the Bible like a maniac
  5. Tabloid Journalism: Writing for the Daily Cal
  6. Environmental Sciences: How to look like a science major
  7. Legal Studies: How to Avoid an Accessory Rap
  8. Greek: Successful Brainwashing Techniques
  9. Comparative Geography: Your ass from a hole in the ground
  10. Human Biodynamics: Intro to Jizm
Volume 8- Issue 2

Top Ten Withheld Excerpts From Kenneth Starr’s Report

October 1, 1998

  1. Kenneth Starr was abused as a child

  2. Diet Dr. Pepper does taste more like regular Dr. Pepper

  3. Get high, get stupid, get impeached
  4. Boris Yeltsin is personally responsible for 5% of the world’s liver transplants
  5. Alan Greenspan died in 1975
  6. Clinton’s a screamer
  7. Chelsea videotaped it all
  8. The stain was inside the dress
  9. Hillary is the only woman in America who hasn’t slept with the President
  10. Al Gore is more machine than man
Volume 8- Issue 2

Top Ten Reasons We Think We Beat Nebraska

October 1, 1998

  1. We have electricity

  2. They slept with our cheerleaders

  3. We slept with their cheerleaders
  4. We didn’t tear down our own goal posts
  5. BEAR-SNAK
  6. Cal Band Great!
  7. We won in spirit by being more ethnically diverse
  8. Bras are constraining and I hate ska
  9. The Daily Cal reported that we did
  10. They’re from Nebraska
Volume 8- Issue 2

Top Ten Worst Things to Say to Your Girlfriend When She Tells You She’s Pregnant

October 1, 1998
  1. Monica, now is really not a good time to talk about this.
  2. Newman!
  3. Thekid won’t look like you, will he?
  4. I don’t pay you $20 a hour to hear you bitch about your problems!
  5. You can drop out of school just like my last girlfriend.
  6. I think we should see other people.
  7. Condoms break, missy.Deal with it!
  8. Are you sure it was me? You were passed out a really long time.
  9. My wife’s going to kill me.
  10. Damn! You’re going to chunk up on me, aren’t you?
Volume 8- Issue 2

Top Ten Things Overheard During a Cal-PIRG Meeting

October 1, 1998

  1. Did you shave today, Jenny?

  2. Hey! I just came up with a sound that we can make that will increase our annoyingness by a factor of ten!

  3. Seal, I just sat on the baby Christ
  4. Pass the pipe
  5. I still don’t get the Whup-ass thing
  6. Tomorrow we’re going to distribute 10,000 leaflets on how to conserve paper
  7. Maybe we should start reading the bills before circulating the petitions
  8. Somebody ignored me today
  9. I’ve got this sudden craving for pork chops
  10. Christ, I just sat on the baby seal
Volume 8- Issue 2

Top Fifteen Little Known Poker Variants

October 1, 1998
  1. Fuck your Father in the Shower and Have a Snack
  2. Shit in the Ocean
  3. Out the Dealer
  4. Progressive Five Card Draw, Royal Flush or Better
  5. One Card Stud
  6. Make your Inside Straight By Any Means Necessary
  7. The New Guy Gives Everyone Else at the Table All of his Money and Goes Home
  8. Aces and Eights and Threes and Nines and Queens
  9. Texas Stroke-’em
  10. I Hardly Even Know ‘er!
  11. Anacondas in my Pants
  12. Native American Poker
  13. Seven Card Slut
  14. Spit on the Dealer’s Wife
  15. Who’s Got the Chancre?