In an effort to restore peace and stop world hunger, Squelch researchers have rigorously tested the original Nintendo Duck Hunt Gun. We hope our research will give us a better understanding of its mystical powers. To those unfamiliar with the Duck Hunt Gun, it was used in conjunction with the Nintendo Entertainment System. The Gun has the amazing capabilities of shooting pixelated fowl and causing oversized beagles to bark when threatened on your home television set.

Basic Structure of Gun: Classic Single barrel with plastic trigger.

Tests Run in controlled laboratory settings.

Turn off screen but keep game running and play Duck Hunt (may be hard to tell if ducks actually die)

As hypothesized, ducks could not be seen dying. Attempts to the turn the TV on and off between shots did not provide enough time to see ducks twirling towards ground.

Play using two televisions. And shoot only at the one not showing.

Duck Hunt Researchers might have killed five unarmed teenage Palestinians. It’s best not to aim Gun at television during live coverage from Gaza Strip.

Attempt to play Duck Hunt on one of the scrambled porn channels

Rapid firing of gun improved reception of scrambled porn.
Note: Good idea!!!

Play Duck Hunt in another medium like milk or water.

Researchers attempted to enter tub with television, console, and Gun. As a result, two researchers are in critical condition and a lab assistant’s hair spontaneously braided itself into cornrows.
Note: Bad idea

Aim Gun at real ducks or other fowl outdoors (Take note of which ducks die)

Ducks were targeted in close range. Upon firing, real ducks fled and dodged ammunition.

Mentally envision act of killing ducks while looking at television

Ducks seemed to move faster as researchers strained harder. One researcher had a horrible dream that night of the dog from Duck Hunt attacking his leg while the ducks pecked at his head. He’s sleeping fine now.

Set up Duck Trap using common household products to lure ducks out of television

Ducks seemed to be enticed by graham crackers, yet bounced off the edge of the screen and changed trajectory without harm.

Feed rats deuterated water, chop up 35 rat spleens, add chloroform to 100 sample tubes, vortex for 5 minutes, centrifuge for three days at 30000 RPM, esterify samples in preparation for mass spec. Isolate labeled histidine, write a two-hundred-page paper on findings, earn PHD, play Duck Hunt with PHD and see if you can kill the dog now.

Conclusions:

Gun uses lethal combination of sound waves and concentrated radiation to disintegrate ducks. Luckily, digital dogs have adapted remarkably well to dodging virtual gunfire.