Student Heartbroken After Impersonal Non-Rejection

UC Berkeley sophomore David King remains devastated, one night after a near-encounter with the girl of his secret dreams resulted in one-sided heartbreak. Upon seeing fellow sophomore Emma Sullivan walking hand-in-hand with an as-yet unidentified male companion on Channing Way, around 6 p.m., King immediately fell into a deep funk. King managed to force out a strangled, “How’s it going?” to Sullivan, his History 16AC classmate and secret crush of nearly two months, before going home and privately sobbing. Witnesses report that Elliott Smith’s XO could be heard through the closed door for nearly three hours after the non-incident.

The pseudo-falling-out was especially poignant since no one, aside from King, seemed aware of the vaguely existent relationship between him and Sullivan. Roommate Steve Wong commented, “So, he’s now going to silently pine after this girl while not dating her – and this changes things how exactly?” Coming on the heels of this summer’s pseudo-rejection from a Moffit Library co-worker, this new setback may keep King out of the imaginary dating pool for weeks.

Nevertheless, King’s capacity for self-delusion remains intact. “I think that maybe me and Emma just need some time apart,” commented King, unfolding and re-reading a tattered note from Sullivan. “You know, in addition to the nearly 24 hours a day we spend apart already, that is.”