Congress Declares Thumb War

In a joint session of Congress this week, both houses moved to declare a “thumb war” on Iraq. Citing numerous violations of the Geneva Convention including “sorta moving up their arm to get better leverage,” Senator Phil Gramm (R-Texas) said a thumb war with Iraq was “inevitable.” “The Iraqi people have been under Saddam Hussein’s oppressive thumb for too long,” remarked Gramm, before joing fellow lawmakers in solemnly intoning, “1,2,3,4, I declare a thumb war.”

Pundits are divided on the controversial thumb-military intervention. While some are confident that the conflict can be resolved swiftly, through hand-to-hand combat, others fear that the thumb war might escalate to Indian burns, or even Bloody Knuckles. Military officials declined to comment specifically, though they have not ruled out the use of Chinese finger cuffs.