In what can only be described as a surprising turn of events, actor and former drug addict Charlie Sheen was right about everything he has declared in the past several weeks.
In response to what had previously been considered exaggerated … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Words From The Top
A Rags to Deputy Creative Editor Story
Hello reader,
As the new deputy creative editors, we thought we’d give a few words of friendly advice to those who dream of holding the glamorous position that we hold today. Now look, we’re not “better” or “smarter” than any … Read More
Local Man Wins Lottery, Nothing Goes Wrong
Last month, Berkeley resident Mark Halloway won the California Mega-Millions lottery jackpot of 47 million dollars. Sources have confirmed that, contrary to the popular aphorism, he is now happier than ever before.
“Everybody always says that money can’t buy you … Read More
New “Mouth-Handjob” Theorized
A press release from the Vatican announced Monday that cardinals researching in the field of theoretical deviance have hypothesized the existence of a “mouth-handjob,” a sexual act unlike any currently recognized by Vatican law.
“Imagine if you will a type … Read More
Top Ten Capital Offenses
- Washington D.U.I.
- Libelgrade
- Touching Boise
- Consparisy
- Hanoise violation
- Frankforgery
- Oklahomicide City
- Child Pierrenography
- Arson City
- Tallaharassment
Heuristic Squelch’s Treasury of Soul-Crushing Quotes
- Beggars can’t be choosers, but choosers could be beggars after one little fuck-up.
- If at first you don’t succeed, you’re a fucking failure.
- I think therefore I’m sad.
- A bird in the hand would peck your eyes out if it
Welcome Week Packet for Incoming Freshmen, 1869
[A LETTER]
Dearest Students,
Salutations to the Second Freshman Class in the history of the University of California! Welcome to what will surely be the most celebrated university in this Golden State, provided an eccentric railroad baron does not build … Read More
The Kitten Manifesto
WE are the Arbiters of man’s destiny! Furry adorable death machines nibbling at the catnip of eternity.
Our teeth are sunk into their youtubes,
that million fathom deep
pit of futile commotion.
Not since those Egyptian foolS have … Read More
Top Ten Sexually Transmitted Rappers
- Chlamidionare
- Rihannarrhea
- Run-H.P.V.
- Pubic Enemy
- Will Smyphilis
- Beastie Boils
- Pee-Pain
- Vanilla Lice
- Notorious H.I.V.
- Wu-tang Clap
Things I Wouldn’t Mind Raising Tuition For
With all the talk of budget cuts and fee hikes, no one has considered the blunt reality: tuition increases could be totally awesome. Sure, there are a few drawbacks, but here’s some of the cool shit we could afford if … Read More
