To quote every freshman in the history of ever: “I
was SOOOO drunk!” Problem is, there is no
objectivity to this claim. There are no gold
medals and no Jeopardy champions in the game of
Drunk. So how close can … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
Words From The Top
Advice for Freshmen
1. Go to your professors’ office hours, no matter how early they are. The interaction between student and old horny intellectual is a tradition dating back to Plato and Socrates. You won’t learn a damn thing, but smart people need … Read More
If Relationships Ended Like 8-Bit Videogames
You: Honey, I’m home–what are you doing with that letter?
Her: [reading from letter] THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.
You: What the fuck? I put all this time into it and all I get is a lousy note?
Her: PRODUCER – … Read More
U.S. Reveals New Plans for Iraqi Unification
Bombs, grenades, elections, and more bombs have proven unsuccessful means for Iraqi unification, so the U.S. will now require all Iraqi citizens to arm themselves with hot pink wrist bracelets. The bracelets, similar to the “Livestrong” wristbands popularized by Lance … Read More
Top Ten Things to Do with a Magic Magic Marker
- Sniff it
- Wish for more wishes
- Aw man, this one’s licorice
- Heal a man’s broken arm by signing
- Donate to low-income magic kindergarten
- Draw animated blinking penis on passed-out roommate’s face
- Accidentally leave cap off, dry up all the magic
Babies Most at Risk for Depression, Study Says
A recent study on depression demographics by UC Berkeley professor C. H. Diggs has shown conclusively that those aged 0 to 18 months make up the largest segment of America’s depressed.
“It’s rather surprising,” said Diggs, “but it looks like … Read More
A Message to White America
_Hi WASPs, I’m Daniel Brady. From my name you’re probably guessing that I’m white too, but I’m not. I am an Irish/African-American male who happens to looks like a Native American version of Aladdin. As complicated as this may seem, … Read More
We’re Pro-Life!
Let’s face it: death is really trendy right now. With US Weekly regulars like The Pope and 3000 Indonesians dying, kids are all rushing out to the malls to have their feeding tubes removed. But not so fast! Much like … Read More
Household Hints for Daily Home Use
Problem: Broken Light Bulb
Hint: Get a potato from the kitchen. Cut it in half. Dice the halves. Get three more potatoes and do the same thing. Cook a chopped medium onion and two tablespoons of butter in a two-quart … Read More
Everything in Berkeley Is Uphill
A recent study commissioned by the Office of Student Life has concluded that everything on the Berkeley campus is uphill. “No matter where a student begins, his journey to any campus building will inevitably lead him up a steep incline,” … Read More
