U.S. Reveals New Plans for Iraqi Unification

Bombs, grenades, elections, and more bombs have proven unsuccessful means for Iraqi unification, so the U.S. will now require all Iraqi citizens to arm themselves with hot pink wrist bracelets. The bracelets, similar to the “Livestrong” wristbands popularized by Lance Armstrong, will read “Fahhrrk, djiina blg, sckkahug vblar nkk,” which means “acceptance” in Farsi.

“We are confident that these colorful bracelets will unify each and every Iraqi, ending their current resistance,” said Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “If this doesn’t work, then I’ll threaten to attempt to smile.”

The bracelets are getting mixed reviews among Iraqis. According to Nike, co-sponsor of the efforts, some find the bands extremely cool, whereas others find them extremely, awesomely cool.

It remains unclear whether the mandatory bracelet enforcement policy will indeed end the resistance and spread democracy throughout Iraq, but several Iraqis have been seen wearing Lebron James jerseys and drinking McDonald’s milkshakes while simultaneously giving U.S. troops back massages and blowjobs. A car bombing followed shortly thereafter, killing forty-seven.