In a move that threatens the already volatile political climate in the Durant Food Court, northern barbarians have taken control of the Mandarin House and established a provincial government. The popular Chinese restaurant was seen as ripe for potential takeover … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Student Ass-Raped by Midterm
A UC Berkeley engineering student was totally ass-raped by a recent midterm in Lewis Hall, Berkeley and UC police said yesterday. The victim, Daniel Chang, reported that he was coerced into entering the lecture hall where the assault took place … Read More
UC Berkeley Doles Out Justice
Looking to respond simultaneously to student complaints about the horrible lack of variety in campus dining facilities, and to student concerns about the lack of justice in official UC policies, the UC Berkeley administration has announced the implementation of a … Read More
River of Slime Discovered Beneath Berkeley Campus
While digging trenches last week as part of UC Berkeley’s infrastructure replacement project, workers discovered massive rivers of slime flowing through the sewer lines under the UC campus. After accidentally falling into the river, two workers emerged covered in slime … Read More
NYSE Floor Broker Trades Insults on Record Volume
New York Stock Exchange floor broker Russ Jones traded insults at an unprecedented volume Friday, ending the day with the line, “Hey Barnes, your wife’s ass is so big, she must have been baptized in buttermilk!” and bringing his daily … Read More
Berkeley Resident Ignored, Capitalism Thrives
Berkeley resident Mike Willis was doing some routine shopping at Safeway on College Avenue yesterday, when the unexpected happened. The shopper in front of him, a Joshua Martinez, was informed jubilantly by Sarah, Deputy Manager since 1992, that he would … Read More
NASA Streamlines Operations
In the wake of two horrific and costly failures involving the exploration of Mars, NASA officials have announced plans to increase the administration’s efficiency by reducing certain intermediary steps in its operations. NASA scientist Hal Melina summed up the plan … Read More
Andy Singer Announces Retirement, Berkeley Students Rejoice
The campus community was overjoyed this week when “cartoonist” Andy Singer, the diabolical mastermind behind the Daily Cal’s “No Exit” comic panel, announced that he would be retiring from his post as the newspaper’s most nonsensical contributor.
An emotional Singer … Read More
Magazine Dries Up
A somber and humorless M. C. Holohan, editor-in-chief of The Heuristic Squelch, announced that UC Berkeley’s premier humor magazine had tapped out its resources of funny. “We haven’t had a funny submission in weeks,” the monotonic Holohan told reporters. “Our … Read More
Student Receives Worst Hand-Job in History
UC Berkeley 3rd-year student Horace McFeelenstein recently reported that the result of an amorous encounter last weekend has been nothing but pain and suffering. “Things were goin’ pretty good, y’know?” McFeelenstein was overheard telling his floormates in Griffiths Hall. “So … Read More
