UC Berkeley 3rd-year student Horace McFeelenstein recently reported that the result of an amorous encounter last weekend has been nothing but pain and suffering. “Things were goin’ pretty good, y’know?” McFeelenstein was overheard telling his floormates in Griffiths Hall. “So we were all makin’ out and shit, and she starts goin’ down to my fly and all. Before you know it, she was giving me this monster hand-job!” McFeelenstein paused for the appreciative “Hell, yeah!”s from his gathered peers.
Things rapidly took a turn for the worse, however. McFeelenstein sobered quickly as he continued: “So she was stroking me and it was all good, y’know what I’m sayin?” But then we switched positions a little, and she started goin” against the grain. So pretty soon, I told her that was enough.”
“You mean you didn’t come?” one of McFeelenstein’s chums piped up.
“Naw, man! And when I got home later that night, I couldn’t even finish myself off, cuz I was all chafed and shit! The next morning, I checked my email and she said she was breakin’ up with me because things had gotten too serious too fast. And now, my left nut”s been buggin’ me. I think I”ve got gonorrhea or rabies or some shit.”
“Didn’t you use a condom, man?” another of the assembled fellows asked.
“Naw, man. But I’m goin’ to the dick doctor tomorrow to get it checked out.”
“Hey Horace, who’s this guy with the notepad?” the first acquaintance asked.
“He’s writing down everything we say!” noted the second.
“Hey, man, get outta here! Who do you think you are?”
“I’m a journalist,” I said.
“Fuck you. I’ll fuckin’ kick your ass!” Horace yelled. This concluded the interview.
