Dude, he’s reading this. What a moron.
You answered to moron, moron. Ha! Just kidding, man. Geez, it’s okay. I’m just messing with you.
Hey, fag.
You still here?… Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Man Narrowly Avoids Freeway Pileup
Early yesterday morning, a car careened out of control on the Ridgemont Expressway. The driver, Mitch Wiltman, did not appear to be hurt by the accident. However, when medical personnel helped him out of his totaled 1995 Suzuki Sidekick, it … Read More
Student Blockade Successful
Yesterday, during a routine discussion section for English 158, junior Derek Snyder was bombarded with intestinal cramps attributed to a local Thai eggplant dish. Snyder, who enjoyed the meal, immediately abandoned his comfortable lounging position when the onslaught began. “At … Read More
Students Find Housing On eHousing.com
With the housing crunch in the East Bay worse than ever, students are turning to the Internet for help. eHousing, a business which helps students find housing, announced Tuesday that it will now offer housing services on its website. Students … Read More
Hardcore Sluts Want to Fuck Unit 2 Resident
Several hardcore sluts want to fuck Griffiths Hall resident Dave Pruitt, according to a website banner encountered by Pruitt earlier this week. Pruitt discovered the sluts during his daily mid-afternoon porn search.
“This banner really caught my eye,” Pruitt said, … Read More
Man On Fremont Bound Train Actually Going To Fremont
Passengers travelling on the Fremont-bound BART with Bay Area resident Solomon Duvall became distressed and distraught as it began to appear as though Duvall was actually going to Fremont, the last station on the Richmond-Fremont line.
Fellow passenger Kevin Standish … Read More
Ironic Decor Held For Questioning After Thwarted Wooing
College student and loving older brother Teddy Hubbard had yet another would-be casual seduction unravelled last night by interloping personal possessions furnished as gifts by his ironically minded little sister.
Hubbard had half-strolled, half-stumbled into his apartment with a beautiful … Read More
Fraternities Return to Campus to “Help Men Become Better Date-Rapists”
After an absence of nearly seven years, the UC Berkeley chapter of the Delta Chi fraternity will return to campus in the fall of 2001 to teach male university students the intricate strategies behind succesful date rape.
Delta Chi was … Read More
Guy Writes Newsflash
Squelch writer Matt Holohan wrote a newsflash earlier this afternoon, a nominally humorous tidbit which is already being assailed by critics as worthless postmodernist garbage. Holohan reportedly spent the first paragraph introducing the concept of the newsflash and included a … Read More
Heartbreaker Gets Pacemaker
62-year old “Heartbreaker” Gram Robertson, who provides backup vocals, harmonica and guitar for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, recently acquired a pacemaker after doctors deemed his aged heart unfit to run itself. Ironically, Robertson is known as having a keen … Read More
