Yesterday, during a routine discussion section for English 158, junior Derek Snyder was bombarded with intestinal cramps attributed to a local Thai eggplant dish. Snyder, who enjoyed the meal, immediately abandoned his comfortable lounging position when the onslaught began. “At first I felt the gas building, and I thought, you know, ‘I can hold this and let it diffuse within my body,'” said Snyder.
However, Snyder recognized the malignant nature of the cramps when the second colonic spasm hit. “It was obviously no false alarm. After that, I tried to act as natural as possible as I clenched my teeth, and my ass.” The next twenty minutes proved to be the longest of Snyder’s life: with every wave of internal noxious gas came the image of living life in shame flashing past his eyes.
The crisis came to a head when an adjacent student dropped a pencil and requested Snyder’s assistance. With the grace of a hawk and the discipline of a steer, Snyder swept down to retrieve the pencil while maintaining ultimate lockdown within his rectum.
Snyder’s sphincter, Heimdall, later commented, “I am Heimdall, lord of all sphincters! Dare not defile my domain. No one may leave or enter until Heimdall has spoken. The bowels of the Derek will open and shut as Heimdall commands. Fie on thee, eggplant! You will never get past Heimdall the Gatekeeper!”
Caught off guard by the voice of Heimdall, Snyder blushed, gathered his stuff, and left the building.