Man Narrowly Avoids Freeway Pileup

Early yesterday morning, a car careened out of control on the Ridgemont Expressway. The driver, Mitch Wiltman, did not appear to be hurt by the accident. However, when medical personnel helped him out of his totaled 1995 Suzuki Sidekick, it was clear that he had sustained extensive damage to his sensitive side.

“It happened so fast,” explained Wiltman. “One second I was reaching down to pick up a copy of Toni Morrison’s Beloved that had fallen beneath my seat and the next I was skidding towards the center div–hey, has anyone ever told you that you’ve got really fucked-up eyelashes? Well, someone should have, because they’re all discolored and have a totally fucked-up curl to them.”

Wiltman was taken to La Costa Memorial Hospital for treatment, but not before bringing several medics to tears and called his son a “fucking pussy ass” upon learning that the child broke his “pussy ass arm” during the collision.

La Costa Memorial Doctors treated Wiltman on-site for several minor abrasions and prescribed a light dosage of the Oxygen and Lifetime Networks for three to four weeks.

1995 Suzuki Sidekick commented, “I am an overly top-heavy and poorly engineered automobile made by incompetent individuals who value price margins over consumer safety.”