Levi Strauss & Co., in conjunction with other denim manufacturers, has concocted a diabolical secret network with ultimate long-term goals set on world domination, investigators found Tuesday. The plot, the likes of which the world has never before seen, calls … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
M. Night Shyamalan Reveals Plot Twist
In a special sneak preview for selected media outlets, M. Night Shyamalan, hit director of such films as The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Signs, issued top secret information about his next project. “It’s going to be really slow-paced … Read More
Tang Information Lady Not a Grandma
When Berkeley sophomore Billy Williams showed up for his 10:15 AM appointment at the Tang Center for “strange fungal growths” on Tuesday, he was shocked to be greeted at the front desk by a young, attractive woman.
“I don’t get … Read More
New Safety Tape
All-Purpose brand safety tape announced at a press conference Tuesday that the company would soon be unveiling their first new tape color for the first time in decades: “Run Recklessly Green.” All Purpose is known for their other colored tape, … Read More
Neighborhood Dog Mauled by Small Child
Jessica Perkins, age 3, was taken into custody last week after what authorities call a “malicious and unprovoked attack” that left Thor, the Jervis family’s pet dog, in critical condition. Thor, a six year old Rottweiler in good standing with … Read More
Student Digested
At 2:07 PM Monday UC Berkeley junior Michael Ortega was assaulted and summarily digested by a 20-foot starfish.
Ortega was walking across Memorial Glade from the Bechtel Engineering center to meet friends at the Free Speech Movement Cafe when the … Read More
“Secret” Cuts Costs
Posting massive losses for the current financial quarter, Procter & Gamble has laid out cost-cutting plans for the coming year, including a retooled Secret Anti-Perspirant line promising no more than “the exact amount of strength a woman needs.”
P&G rep … Read More
UC Police Crack Down
During a recent press conference, UC Police Chief Victoria Harrison commented on a new policy the department plans on implementing next month. UC police officers predict that the controversial new plan will give them the “upper hand” against “bicyclist renegades.” … Read More
Jessica Stein Causes Collective Pants-Creaming
America’s homosexual community is still in the process of collectively creaming its pants following the release of the film Kissing Jessica Stein which chronicles the painfully obvious story of a successful young woman who, fed up with men, learns the … Read More
U.S. Withdraws Support for Israeli Baby-Killing
Critics of U.S. foreign aid to Israel had reason to cheer this week as the U.S. withdrew financial support from a state-run factory in Tel Aviv. American diplomats were taking a tour of the facility when they discovered that the … Read More
