It seems safe to say that none of the toke-addled, black-clad, sore-assed clientele of Pat’s Puff Palace are getting high on Jesus. Store owner Patrick Uter’s problem is that they won’t get high with God– by buying one of his … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Pants-Related News Stories Skyrocket
A spate of high-profile news stories related to pants has many wondering if the phenomenon is not indicative of a larger trend. From difficulties coordinating undergarments with fashionable pants to worldwide pants conspiracies to eerie supernatural incidents, pants have dominated … Read More
Jessica Stein Causes Collective Pants-Creaming
America’s homosexual community is still in the process of collectively creaming its pants following the release of the film Kissing Jessica Stein which chronicles the painfully obvious story of a successful young woman who, fed up with men, learns the … Read More
U.S. Withdraws Support for Israeli Baby-Killing
Critics of U.S. foreign aid to Israel had reason to cheer this week as the U.S. withdrew financial support from a state-run factory in Tel Aviv. American diplomats were taking a tour of the facility when they discovered that the … Read More
Tang Information Lady Not a Grandma
When Berkeley sophomore Billy Williams showed up for his 10:15 AM appointment at the Tang Center for “strange fungal growths” on Tuesday, he was shocked to be greeted at the front desk by a young, attractive woman.
“I don’t get … Read More
New Safety Tape
All-Purpose brand safety tape announced at a press conference Tuesday that the company would soon be unveiling their first new tape color for the first time in decades: “Run Recklessly Green.” All Purpose is known for their other colored tape, … Read More
Neighborhood Dog Mauled by Small Child
Jessica Perkins, age 3, was taken into custody last week after what authorities call a “malicious and unprovoked attack” that left Thor, the Jervis family’s pet dog, in critical condition. Thor, a six year old Rottweiler in good standing with … Read More
Student Digested
At 2:07 PM Monday UC Berkeley junior Michael Ortega was assaulted and summarily digested by a 20-foot starfish.
Ortega was walking across Memorial Glade from the Bechtel Engineering center to meet friends at the Free Speech Movement Cafe when the … Read More
“Secret” Cuts Costs
Posting massive losses for the current financial quarter, Procter & Gamble has laid out cost-cutting plans for the coming year, including a retooled Secret Anti-Perspirant line promising no more than “the exact amount of strength a woman needs.”
P&G rep … Read More
UC Police Crack Down
During a recent press conference, UC Police Chief Victoria Harrison commented on a new policy the department plans on implementing next month. UC police officers predict that the controversial new plan will give them the “upper hand” against “bicyclist renegades.” … Read More
