In the last week or so, some serious shit has gone down in Haiti, according to a White House statement released Thursday. “Shit’s all fucked up and we don’t think anyone really knows what’s going on. Totally random,” said press … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Student Tires of Philosophy-major Girlfriend
Michael Nash, a third-year Berkeley student, has decided to end his eight-month relationship with Jamie Peters, a second-year Berkeley student and philosophy major.
“I just can’t take it anymore,” Nash lamented to a close friend. “Every time I ask her … Read More
Kucinich Delegates Pile into Chevy Astrovan
As the race for the Democratic presidential nomination nears its end, frontrunner John Kerry continues to vie for the largest percentage of voting delegates come August. Not to be outdone, however, is Dennis Kucinich, who treated all of his eight … Read More
National Stacy Association Blasts Fountains of Wayne
On Monday morning, the National Stacy Association (NSA) released a formal statement denouncing critically lauded pop group Fountains of Wayne for “gross recklessness and utter lack of consideration.”
“As America’s largest lobby of girls named Stacy, we knew we had … Read More
SARS Makes a Comeback
The international world was shocked last week by the surprise return of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, or SARS, in the same region of China where the original outbreak took place.
“I thought that we had seen the last of SARS, … Read More
American Studies Majors Beg US to Annex Cancun
American Studies majors from across the country gathered in DC yesterday to argue for the US to “liberate Cancun.”
“With Cancun in the US we could do so much studying,” said Junior Mark Chard, “I can just see myself on … Read More
Bush’s Ouija Board Again Points to Yes
Officials close to President Bush report that his closest advisor, a mystical Ouija Board, has once again pointed to Yes. This is reportedly the 39th straight time the Ouija Board has pointed to Yes.
“Oh, oh, I think it’s going … Read More
Supposed Straightedge Looks Totally Ripped on ID
An uproar struck Freeborn Hall late Thursday when it was revealed that resident and self-professed “straightedge” Eddie McAllister looks way ripped on his student identification card.
The veracity of McAllister’s claim that he lives free from drugs and alcohol was … Read More
Man Only Mildly Appreciative of Radiohead
Bay Area resident Larry Wilson is to be publicly stoned to death by a mob of angry music fans for expressing a less than glowing opinion of the band Radiohead.
“I don’t know, they’re cool I guess,” stated Wilson, “I’m … Read More
Goth Actually Commits Suicide
A community has plunged deep into the despairing nether-regions of its soul today as word spread about the death of seventeen year old Albany resident Ravyn Glyttr, who took her own life yesterday in what police are calling a failed … Read More
