A grossly hung-over and dangerously dehydrated Jesus woke up last weekend at a friend’s apartment and then attempted to rehydrate himself by transforming the party’s leftover wine back into water. Jesus had transformed the water into wine to impress chicks … Read More
Tag Archives: newsflash
Egg Donor Ad Way Too Specific
Berkeley women interested in giving the gift of life to a childless couple in exchange for cold hard cash were upset Friday to find the Daily Californian’s latest egg donor ad impossible to satisfy. The ad read as follows:
“Loving … Read More
Kucinich Delegates Pile into Chevy Astrovan
As the race for the Democratic presidential nomination nears its end, frontrunner John Kerry continues to vie for the largest percentage of voting delegates come August. Not to be outdone, however, is Dennis Kucinich, who treated all of his eight … Read More
Mel Gibson Probably Anti-Semitic
With the success of his latest hit, The Passion of the Christ, Mel Gibson is already working on a new religious thriller entitled Jews Murdered Jesus.
“While The Passion was quite an undertaking, I still feel like I need to … Read More
Famous Actor Vanishes
Several witnesses claim that formerly ubiquitous child actor Haley Joel Osment disappeared into a thick haze that settled down around his West Los Angeles home on Wednesday. While eyewitness accounts are still unclear, some speculate that this reported haze was, … Read More
Berdahl Announces New Classroom Renovation Plans
With only weeks remaining in his term, Chancellor Berdahl has announced new renovation plans in a desperate attempt to leave some sort of mark on the campus. Mulford Hall will be renovated and renamed “Berdahl Hall,” as well as moved … Read More
Bookstore Charged with Obscenity
Citing hundreds of complaints since the start of the school year, Berkeley police filed formal obscenity charges over the weekend against prominent student bookstore Ned’s.
“I’ve been getting my books at Ned’s since I was a freshman, and I say … Read More
Not a Single Laptop Being Used to Take Notes
A recent campus-wide study has revealed that not a single laptop is currently being used to take notes in class.
The leading uses reported for laptops were playing card games, Minesweeper, that one pinball game, and surfing the Internet. “Anyone … Read More
Comcast Gives Back for Not Giving
Today Comcast announced its first annual public luncheon to give back to the community for paying exorbitant amounts of money while rolling the dice on whether or not to actually provide service to thousands of customers. Said service technician Johnny … Read More
Chancellor Excited About New Career
In a recent interview, Chancellor Berdahl announced his intention to drop his post-retirement teaching plans in the hopes of realizing his full potential as “that guy who plays the Campanile bells every day at noon.” The grueling nature of his … Read More
